Keeping Emotion in Check: 7 Ways to Tame the Tension in Divorce Negotiations

May 31, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Out-of-court divorce negotiations are highly charged. To save legal costs and get an agreement that works for everyone, you’ve got to stay calm. That’s easier said than done, especially when triggered by the situation. Whether you tend to yell or shut down, here are some practical steps to keep things calm and focused during your tough negotiations.

Seek a Compassionate Mediator

Finding a compassionate and empathetic mediator is essential. Look for someone who has experience working with divorcing couples, who understands the legal issues and emotional turmoil involved. A sensitive mediator will be attuned to your emotional triggers and create an environment where both parties can express their concerns without judgment or bias. Their ability to listen and offer support often makes the difference between agreement and breakdown.

Prepare Yourself Mentally

Before each mediation session, take some time to prepare yourself mentally. Take a few deep breaths and focus on your breathing. Remind yourself that you are going into this meeting with the goal of reaching an agreement that is fair to both you, your ex and your kids. You may also find it helpful to set an intention for the mediation, such as "I will remain calm and focused throughout this session."

Identify Your Triggers

Let your mediator know what gets you fuming or shuts you down. Tell them what topics, gestures or comments are most likely to set you off. By doing this, you allow the mediator to adopt an approach that supports you throughout the process. You can come up with a plan for how to deal with touchy topics. For example, if you know you ex makes comments that trigger you, you can arrange for a signal to alert the facilitator that they need to intervene.

Use "I" Statements

Using "I" statements can be a powerful tool for expressing your feelings and needs without coming across as aggressive or confrontational. For example, instead of saying "You're being unreasonable," you might say "I'm frustrated now because I don't feel like my concerns are being heard." By using "I" statements, you can communicate your feelings without making blame statements that put your ex on the defensive.

Respond to Escalation by “Going With” the Comment

Most of us push back when we hear things we disagree with. We challenge, counterattack, or provide information to correct the other person. That’s going to make them defensive and escalate things. If they have been insulting or hostile the mediator should take over. But even if they don’t, you can defuse the moment by “going with” the statement. Instead of “I am not being selfish” try “Tell me more. Help me understand what I’m I saying that makes you think I’m selfish?” If you have the patience to do this, I promise it will defuse their aggression.

Take Breaks

After point #5, you might feel yourself becoming overwhelmed. Then take a break. Taking a few minutes to step outside, take some deep breaths, or even just stretch your legs can be incredibly helpful in reducing your stress levels. Remember that it's better to take a break and come back to the conversation when you're feeling calmer than to continue the discussion while you're feeling triggered and risk making things worse.

Practice Active Listening

Finally, it's important to practice active listening during mediation. This means really listening to what your ex-partner is saying, and summarizing what you’ve heard to prove you were listening, whether you like it or not. By focusing on what your ex-partner is saying, you can better understand their perspective and work towards finding a solution that works for both of you.

In conclusion, negotiating a divorce can be a difficult and emotionally charged experience, but a sensitive mediator can help keep emotions in check and foster open dialogue. This helps create a shared understanding of each other's perspectives, facilitating the resolution of conflicts and enabling fair compromises. The guidance of a sensitive mediator can help you navigate difficult conversations and defuse potential triggers.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Internal Mediation Finding Harmony Within Yourself

April 26, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Have you ever felt like you are at war with yourself? Like there are different parts of you that are constantly in conflict, each wanting something different. Maybe you want to be a better listener, more sensitive to the needs of your partner, but your loner side just wants to go into the den and surf the net. Or maybe you want to get started on that new recipe, but another side of you can't resist a nap on the sofa.

We all have different parts of ourselves, and sometimes they don't agree with each other. It's easy to judge these sides of ourselves as bad and declare war on them; but what if we approached them with curiosity and compassion instead? We all know some people who aren’t bothered by their different aspects of their personalities.

For those who are troubled by it, the work of Richard Schwartz can be helpful. He was an influential psychotherapist in the 1980’s who introduced Internal Family Systems theory. According to Schwartz, the self contains subparts that make up our internal family. These parts are identified by him in three main categories: managers, firefighters, and exiles.

Managers are the parts of us that try to keep everything under control. They set rules and boundaries to protect us from harm. For example, your manager part might be the one that makes sure you’re a reliable partner, trying hard not to raise your voice even when you’re upset.

Firefighters are the parts of us that spring into action when something goes wrong, helping us cope with stress and trauma. For example, your firefighter side might be the one that provides a special treat when your partner is feeling down.

Exiles are the hidden parts of us that carry our emotional pain and trauma. These are secret sides of ourselves that can cause us a lot of pain if they're not recognized and dealt with. Maybe since being raised by dismissive parents you’ve never quite felt fully appreciated by your spouse.

The key to working with these parts is to approach them with respect, curiosity, and compassion. Instead of judging them, we can try to understand why they're there and what they're trying to do for us. That means slowing down to acknowledge and become better acquainted with ourselves. We can ask questions like, "What is this side of me really seeking right now? What is it showing me about what really matters to me?” Rather than shutting it down or acting on it impulsively, we can ask, “are there other ways to satisfy it that I haven’t yet considered?"

These questions help us remember that every part of ourselves has value when treated with respect. Your lazy side might point to the importance of down time in your life, while that ambitious streak may indicate the importance of accomplishing things. Recognizing this may help you to accept that each side is legitimate, which is an important first step in finding a balance between them.

So, the next time you feel like you're at war with yourself, try approaching your different parts with curiosity and compassion. You might be surprised at what you discover. And if you need a little extra support, consider finding a life coach Reflective Mediation or therapist to guide you into this domain. Or if you are a DIY type, consider checking out Richard Schwartz's internal family systems theory. Richard Schwartz One of these steps could be just what you need to find greater harmony within yourself.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

How to Tell the Children You’re Getting Divorced

March 29, 2023 Mike MacConnell

With divorce comes grief over the loss of your identity as a couple and uncertainty about the future, then the hurdle of telling the news to the kids. You love them more than the world and want to spare them the worst. Yet they need to know that their lives are going to change in ways they won’t welcome. Is there a way to say it that minimizes the pain?

The answer is yes. You may want a mediator or child therapist to guide you, although you can do it safely yourselves if you follow these guidelines, keeping in mind that the approach you use will vary depending on their age. Telling the Kids: An Age By Age Guide.

Research is quite conclusive regarding best practices and suggests that when parents cooperate in presenting the news, the negative impact on kids is greatly minimized. You CAN deliver a message that is reassuring and hopeful, while modeling a positive response to change.

It's not just about the words. Your tone of voice and body language are equally important in communicating a message of reassurance. Here are some helpful hints for couples who can work together for the sake of their children.

1. Wait to tell them until after you have reached agreement on key issues relevant to their lives, and after you’ve agreed how you’ll be saying it. To do it right, it’s essential to get yourselves on the same page first.

2. Gather the family together, both parents and all the children. Keep your gaze calm and steady, posture upright, face and shoulders relaxed. “Your parents are going to separate. We will be living in separate houses, but we will always be united in our love and care for you. We have worked together on arrangements with your best interests in mind.” Saying something like this calmly, sitting next to one another, is a way to show it while saying it.

3. Keep it calm and simple, taking turns speaking so they hear it coming as a united message from both of you. Be prepared for emotional interruptions, and if they occur, go with the emotion rather than pushing against it. “I know this is upsetting. It is a big change, hard to accept” rather than “don’t worry, there’s nothing to be worried about.” Respond to strong emotion by asking questions rather than making assumptions and giving information.

4. That’s it. Now check in with them, responding at an age-appropriate level to whatever questions they have or emotions they express. Whether it’s anxiety, outrage or whatever, reassure them that the feelings are natural, understandable, and that you’ll all be working together to adjust to these changes.

5. After the conversation is done, you’ve just begun. Checking in with them over the coming days and weeks will be crucial. Stay attuned to what they don’t say as well as what they do. Glum silence may be the most troublesome behaviour. Get help as needed to empower them to accept the situation and express their needs.

Unwanted change is a fact of life. By working together to manage it, you model the calm assertiveness that helps your children grow into resilient adults.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Why Advocates of Equity, Diversity, Inclusion Should Consider Meditation

February 22, 2023 Mike MacConnell

It is rare these days to hear a Canadian voice arguing against the idea of equity, diversity or inclusion, as most of us are rational and ethical enough to acknowledge those values. EDI (Equity, Diversity, Inclusion) goals are claimed now, not only by activists, but by governments, educational institutions and corporations. The challenge therefore is no longer to convince average Canadians that the goals of EDI are valid, rather to decide HOW best to implement those values so they become a lived reality.

I come to the conversation as a former teacher/co-owner of a private school that served bright underachievers. I am now an Accredited Family Mediator in the area of ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution). ADR is a relatively recent, evidence-based industry with much to offer the activists for social change. The fundamental message of ADR research is that conflict is most effectively resolved when opposing parties switch from an adversarial to a collaborative approach. I occasionally observe an adversarial tone being used by zealous EDI advocates. Doing so undermines the very principle of inclusion they intend to be support.

The collaborative approach of ADR requires a deep attitudinal shift. In any campaign for social change, there are valid arguments and legitimate emotions on the side of advocacy for immediate transformation as well as on the side of slower, gradual change. Individuals on each side naturally defend their own position while becoming hyper-aware on the faults of the other side. It is a recipe for escalation, with neither group grasping the legitimacy of the other group’s point of view. I am writing to suggest steps to prevent adversarial, ideological elements from taking over the conversation. For example, there is a contradiction between the stated goal of inclusion and the strategy of attempting to silence disparate voices. EDI raises delicate and difficult topics. Feelings run high on both sides and must be respected. Shutting down voices on either side of an issue isn’t the best strategy for attaining diversity or inclusion. It isolates each side from the other, thereby enhancing misunderstanding and narratives on both sides that demonize the other.

ADR strategies seek connection. By bringing different voices into non-adversarial conversation, an understanding can be built, leading eventually to solutions that address the legitimate interests of all parties. The starting point must be a willingness to listen respectfully to voices on all sides. The principle underlying ADR is that humans from competing groups have more needs in common than in conflict. All humans prefer security, peace, autonomy, connection and justice. Identity politics tend to define us by our differences, based on factors such as race, nationality, ethnicity, disability, sexual identity, wealth. These differences are important and true, but obscure the deeper underlying commonalities.

We all need healing. We all suffer from emotional wounds and insecurities that blind us at times to the hardship of others. Authentic conversation with members of an unfamiliar community can spark deep reflection that shifts individuals from defensiveness and anger toward open collaboration. Those born into privilege can shift from guilt or denial about the advantages they possess to empathy, by listening respectfully to the life experiences of the disadvantaged. Those in marginalized communities can shift away from a stance of judgement and anger, however justified those emotions may be, and seek instead to understand the dilemma faced by the colonizers’ descendants.

Meaningful inclusion can only be established when we seek more authentic communication that goes beyond judgement, beyond ideology and asks us to meet one another as struggling human beings who jointly seek greater justice for all. Judgement is a risky strategy when the speaker claims higher ground in judgement over another person or group’s perspective. We can judge our own and others’ behaviours; but to judge the person pits us against the person instead of the behaviour, thereby defining the person by the deed. Understanding grows when we sit at the same level around the circle, all of us seeking greater wisdom and growth. These principles of ADR are borrowed in part from indigenous communities. The formalities are different, but the goal is the same: not to shame, punish or exclude those who have done harm, (or who are descended from those who have done harm), rather to bring them into community with those who have been harmed or excluded from the dominant narrative.

Some promoters of ADR employ a tone that sabotages the stated goal by excluding or presuming superiority over other voices. True inclusion moves from the surface to the depth. Instead of heightening our awareness of differences, we would be wise to shift the conversation in a more colour-blind direction, toward the deeper underlying commonalities shared by all justice-seeking communities. And then to invite all voices to share in the conversation.

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The Steel Woman Defeats the Straw Man Argument The Guaranteed Route to Respect

January 25, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Each one of us sees the world from our own angle. Viewing things differently can even be helpful in sharpening our understanding. Differences only lead to hostility when we stop listening.

Less skillful listeners often employ what is called a Straw Man argument. This is when someone misrepresents what the other person says, making a “man of straw” that is easier to defeat. For example, one spouse might say “we are not going out on dates and having fun with one another as often as we used to. It feels dull to me, like our life is all business.” A Straw Man response by the person’s partner might be, “Really? You want us to spend more money? You feel like we can afford to have fun all the time?”

It's not hard to see how quickly that will escalate the conversation. It twists and belittles the first speaker’s real concern, and suggests the one responding doesn’t care. What if the person who employed the Straw Man fallacy actually does care, but is distracted and worried about the household debt load? Each viewpoint has validity and both must be heard to resolve the dispute. The problem is the way the second person responded, causing the first person to feel misunderstood. Meanwhile, the second person hasn’t expressed what really matters to them. These people are well on their way to feeling hurt and disconnected.

In contrast to the Straw Man argument, the Steel Woman approach builds connection, provided you’re sincere when you practice it. The Steel Woman approach asks you to deliver the strongest sales pitch possible for your opponent’s argument. It powerfully demonstrates that you have listened respectfully and understood the other person’s main points, despite your differences on some issues.

I’ve discovered the power of the Steel Woman approach in the relationship coaching that is part of my mediation work. When one party proves they have listened, it creates a respectful tone and allows partners to stay connected despite their differences.

For the couple quarreling about the infrequency of date nights, a Steel Woman response could go something like: “You’re remembering that we used to go out more often and have more fun. And that these days we tend to dwell on responsible, adult activities. You feel sad that we’re not as carefree. Is that it?”

As with active listening, the first speaker now feels validated. They are more likely to trust that the listener cares about what they are feeling. The person who practiced the Steel Woman approach is now able to introduce their own concerns about financial constraints and be respectfully heard in turn.

Differences haven’t been erased. One person continues to care more about fun and the other more focused on financial restraint. But by pausing more mindfully to take turns, by responding to one another in a Steel Woman style, they will be on the same team when they begin suggesting solutions, such as low cost ways to have more fun again together.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

In Praise of Courage

December 28, 2022 Mike MacConnell

A friend of mine deals daily with a serious, ongoing medical problem. Every aspect of her life: her diet, daily exercise, medications, have all been radically adjusted. Due to a weakened immune system, she has to take great care, but she continues to go out in the world, connecting with friends and living her life as normally as she can.

She is one of the most courageous people I know. Imagine my surprise when she rejected my acknowledgment of her bravery. “I’m not brave at all,” she told me, “I never chose this. Brave ones are those who do what they do by choice.”

“Courage has nothing to do with whether your circumstances were chosen,” I argued, “It is about how you respond to the circumstances you face. You are making choices. You make choices every day when you face the facts and take action despite risks. To me, your choices are courageous.”

Whether you are a soldier in battle or a patient in hospital, a young lover or a spouse at the end of a marriage, external circumstances are always beyond our control. We don’t create the conditions we find ourselves in. But we always have choices in how to respond.

I work with couples who are grieving the death of their marriage. Whether they initiated the divorce or are reacting to it, they are confronted by a choice between two paths. Do they resent, lament and shrink away, or stand tall and move toward the challenge? Courage is not about choosing the challenge, but about facing it without turning away.

We live in a risk averse culture. Parents and teachers encourage kids to be safe. That’s important, of course, since there’s no benefit to rushing headlong into danger. Liability issues cause us to overly emphasize safety, however, when it is only one component of a vital life. I fear we do a disservice to our children and ourselves when we are too intent on avoiding risk. Ultimately, unwanted change will happen to us all. Life carries unavoidable risks. We are well advised to nurture attitudes that embrace a certain amount of risk as a route to enriched living.

Courage isn’t to be confused with impulsivity or recklessness. I recommend embracing risk carefully, even strategically, as a necessary ingredient to meaningful growth. Falling in love, launching a career, starting a business, driving a car: all carry risks. It isn’t courageous to rush blindly into those activities, or to pretend there aren’t any risks attached. Such denial borders more on foolishness than bravery. The courageous person clearly assesses the risks, balances them against the potential benefits, and chooses to proceed.

When my friend researched her disease instead of turning away from the unpleasant information and explored safe steps she could take instead of retreating to her room, she not only reengaged actively in the world, she also set the model, in my eyes, for what it means to be brave.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

How to Raise the Topic of Separation or Divorce

November 30, 2022 Mike MacConnell

With 40% of Canadian marriages ending in divorce, the question of how one partner should raise the topic is as common as it is crucial. When a spouse broaches it skillfully, the steps that follow flow more safely and smoothly.

To Start

1. Self-care comes first. Take time to create the space you need to reflect deeply on your own and your family’s needs.

2. Recognize that the best interest for everyone is a renewed relationship in which differences are respectfully managed.

3. Is it possible to improve the relationship? Talk about it with your partner. Listen. Seek advice and professional help. Separation is the last resort.

4. Ask yourself whether you are clear in your own mind that separation is the solution.

5. If you decide it’s over, think about freedom for both spouses, not about winning.

6. Think flexibly about how assets might be divided and children raised. Be ready with suggestions for when you talk to your partner.

7. Don’t stick it out “for the kids” It’s better to be FROM a conflict-ridden home than IN one.

Next Steps Depend on The Stage You’re In

1. Undecided

a) Raise the concerns you have with your partner at a time and place that are comfortable, private and not rushed.

b) Seek collaboration on mutual goals and steps to manage differences more effectively.

c) If the topic is too dangerous to discuss, or if, after a number of approaches, the other party refuses to acknowledge the legitimacy of your concerns, then it’s likely already too late.

d) Make it about you. Your wishes, fears, goals. NOT about blame. Not about threats. Present an open, vulnerable heart. Inquire what your partner thinks, feels, wants.

e) Inquire about their goals that are not being met. Listen. Breathe. Respond to their responses.

f) Encourage your spouse to be a partner in the project of renewal. If not, take time, reflect, try again.

g) Have a strategy for cooling off. Ie. “I know this is difficult – let’s think about it for a couple of days and talk again.”

2. You’ve Decided. Communication is Possible

a) Be direct, clear, decisive and responsive. Listen deeply. Speak without blame.

b) Focus on positive values, on paths to the future NOT faults of the past.

c) Frame the decision to separate as a mutual project in your family’s best interest.

d) Seek collaboration to uncouple consciously, with positive role-modeling for kids.

e) Allow space for both of you to process these changes. Don’t rush things.

f) Team up to research low cost, low-conflict options to court, such as marriage counselling, communication coaching and mediation.

3. You’ve Decided. Communication is Low-to-Nonexistent

a) Strategize ways to communicate that are least likely to trigger them or create additional conflict for you, such as those mentioned in section 2, above.

b) Consider having a support person present.

c) Perhaps express your decision via a letter or email (dated and copied).

d) Meet with a lawyer or family mediator to learn your rights and procedural options.

e) Allow space for them to process the news. Suggest opportunities to meet/discuss safely, calmly.

f) Research out-of-court processes and present names of skilled mediators and collaborative lawyers to reduce risk of a court battle.

g) Have a safety plan in case this escalates to group 4.

4. You’ve Decided. You’re Afraid of Reprisal

a) In cases of coercive controlling abuse, prepare carefully in advance of taking steps.

b) Do NOT attempt to salvage the relationship. Abusive behaviour will reappear.

c) Secrecy and isolation assist the abuser. Seek advice and support from others. Engage family, friends, medical team, Children’s Aid Society, shelter services, and/or police.

d) Separate your bank accounts and credit cards.

e) With assistance, create a safety plan including alternate housing and if possible, a separate source of income prior to leaving.

f) Make arrangements to leave the home while the other party is out.

g) Use a 3rd party to provide notification of your decision to seek legal separation.

h) Research ways to proceed that don’t involve a court battle. Less traumatic options do exist such as mediation with a support person and at a separate location from the other party.

None of it is easy. It may be one of the most difficult periods of your life. Be assured, however, that the care you put into it ahead of time will spare enormous problems in the future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Collaborative Law – A Good Idea with The Right Lawyers

October 30, 2022 Mike MacConnell

I was contacted this week by a couple whose separation I mediated almost two years ago. When we were almost done they moved on to a pair of collaborative lawyers to tie up financial loose ends.

They are asking me now to help them complete that agreement without lawyers. They explained that the two “collaborative lawyers” they hired had made no progress, and barely communicated with them over the intervening two years. The couple is furious, and wants nothing to do with lawyers of any kind.

This case dramatically drove home the truth that just because a lawyer calls themself collaborative does not mean they are non-adversarial, efficient or responsive.

Collaborative family law is a relatively new approach to separation and divorce in Ontario. To quote google: “The goal of collaborative family law (CFL) is to allow parties, in the midst of a divorce or separation, to work collaboratively with each other, their lawyers, and other third-party specialists to reach a mutually acceptable resolution of the issues stemming from the breakdown of their marriage.”

Most importantly, they accomplish this without going to court. In fact, if the collaborative process breaks down and clients do go to court, lawyers who have signed a collaborative agreement are required to resign from the case. This ensures commitment from all participants.

In principle, this is far superior to old style, adversarial courtroom combat. Finding a “mutually acceptable resolution” allows decision-making to reside with the clients, and with their lawyers, rather than handing that power over to a judge.

I work closely on a team with two collaborative lawyers who engage promptly in a manner that is truly collaborative. They communicate regularly with clients and other professionals on the team to ensure that a lasting, comprehensive agreement is reached in a few months. Each lawyer is still obligated to work zealously for the welfare of their client. But they see the bigger picture to consider, including the best interest of children and emotional interests that may be as important to their client as the money. They listen to their client, provide legal advice, then pass the case along to me, as the facilitator, to help the clients reach a settlement within the legal model that is unique to their own situation.

They even offer a flat rate package, so clients know in advance exactly what their costs will be, provided undue conflicts don’t arise.

What’s the bottom line? Should you be seeking a collaborative team?

My advice is “yes IF”.

Yes if you and your Ex are genuinely committed to a peaceful, out of court settlement.

And yes if you get satisfactory answers to these questions before signing on to any collaborative law agreement:

1. Do you offer a flat rate fee? If not, what is your hourly rate?

2. How regularly will you communicate with the other lawyer?

3. How regularly, and by what means, do you communicate with me?

4. Do you accept terms in the agreement I might want that don’t follow your legal advice?

5. Will you include less expensive neutrals in the process, such as a mediator or certified divorce financial expert?

So now I’m back working with the frustrated couple, to help them finalize their agreement.

I have informed them not all lawyers are inefficient or poor communicators. I will advice them to hire new ones to review their settlement, once we complete it. Although a divorce can be obtained without legal advice, they will have much greater protection if they do. Only this time I will make sure I refer them to lawyers who I know can be trusted to complete it promptly and efficiently.

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Finding Resilience: An Attitude of Abundance

September 29, 2022 Mike MacConnell

I come into contact regularly with people in crisis. Tension is extreme and resiliency most needed when their emotional resources are most drained. It might be a parent in the midst of a separation wondering “How will I provide for my children? Am I destined to a life of loneliness?”

The uncertainty can be terrifying. For some it is traumatic, prompting resentment and a bitter feeling that the situation, or maybe life as a whole, is unjust and unfair. But the following quotation from Hamlet happens to be true: “There’s nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” It’s only bad if you believe it to be.

The stories we tell ourselves become self-fulfilling prophecies. If you believe you are a decent person with sufficient resources, you will be more likely to willingly accept hardship and thereby find ways to succeed. Conversely, by focusing on what you lack, you sap yourself of the will to make an effort.

It isn’t about pretending everything’s OK. Resilience is about making the effort to shift your attitude away from despair. What appears in the moment to be an unremitting disaster can in fact be a wake-up call.

My job as a mediator involves coaching you in those vulnerable moments, when you are most overwhelmed and least able to think clearly. I acknowledge, yes, that things are unpleasant. You didn’t want this. But I encourage you to shift your mindset. Resentful anger or despair prompt you to fixate on what’s wrong and on who’s to blame, preventing you from considering the most effective next steps.

In other words, RESILIENCE CAN BE LEARNED. It’s a matter of attitude.

Stephen Covey, in his 1989 bestseller Seven Habits of Highly Effective People coined the notion of “an abundance versus a scarcity mindset”. In the intervening decades, positive psychology and the success of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy have largely confirmed Covey’s view that mental health is to a large extent determined by how we think about life’s struggles.

So seek out abundance. This isn’t magical thinking. You recognize the problem and face it squarely, but direct your attention toward the resources at hand that ARE available, rather than lamenting those that aren’t.

Here are a few additional suggestions about how to convert your conflict into connection and unwanted change into new growth.

List resources available to you, both inside and out.

· See this change as an opportunity to fix what’s wrong with your life.

· Be grateful for what is going well.

· Seek out people who have a buoyant attitude toward life and hardship.

· Accept that resolving conflict can benefit both sides.

An abundance mindset will help you grow from resentment to resilience and from victim to victor.

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“Best Interest of the Child" Easy to say it - but how to find it?

July 27, 2022 Mike MacConnell

Anyone familiar with Canadian family law has heard the phrase “best interest of the child”. It’s the ONLY criterion a judge can use to decide on disputes between parents. That says a lot. The convenience of the adult doesn’t matter, only the welfare of the child(ren).

In my experience as a family mediator, working with parents getting divorced, this “best interest” principle provides a solid foundation. If adults disagree on any parenting issue, the only argument that works is to explain how your position promotes your child’s best interest.

It is an elegant measuring tool. It banishes all discussion of who is a better spouse, parent or person. Canadian Family Law has been a no fault process since 1968. Instead of judging who was right or wrong in the past it simply seeks the best decisions for the children’s future.

But like many enlightened principles, the devil is in the detail. How do you predict what’s in the child’s best interest? Let’s see how this can play out in key issues.

Should We Divorce?

Does our child fare better if we stay together, or if we separate our homes and financial resources? Contrary to popular belief, divorce can actually be better for children. Child psychologists generally agree that the single greatest predictor of long term mental health issues for children is not whether their parents were divorced, but whether they were exposed to prolonged, unresolved conflict. Cold, silent conflict is as harmful as the loud, hot variety. So the verdict is, if you can’t resolve your ongoing conflict, the best interest of the children may well be to separate.

What Parenting Schedule?

This can be intensely difficult to decide. Women are more often the primary caregiver for very young children, yet mom needs to let go eventually because close bonding with dad is equally important. Shorter blocks of time with each parent work best in the early years, while older children thrive on less shuttling back and forth. In other words, schedules should evolve over time. To do that without conflict, positive communication is essential, which is one main benefit of mediation over court.

Parenting Style – Hers or His?

Both. Mom might be strict and dad more playful. Or dad cooks vegan and mom orders out. If you’re living in separate homes this isn’t your problem. When the kids are with you, do it your way, and give your ex space. Kids benefit from the best of both worlds. Instead of worrying, try having faith in their natural intelligence. In the long run your kids will gravitate toward the parenting style that is most healthy for them.

Who’s the Boss?

In my child protection training I learned to “give the child a voice, but not the choice”. Adults are responsible for decision-making. But decisions truly in the best interest of the child require the adult to be attuned to their changing needs and emotions. That means asking. And listening. And maybe inquiring about the solution they think is best. This begins an early training in thinking through the pros and cons of difficult decisions. Although the final decision is yours, the more you collaborate with the child on arriving at it, the more empowered by it they will be.

I “best interest” principle may not be easy to employ, but it provides a wise guide to our thinking.

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In Praise of Difficulty Light on Other Side of Hardship

June 29, 2022 Mike MacConnell

I had a divorce client - I’ll call him Jake - who was devastated by his wife’s announcement that she wanted a divorce. He told me he felt threatened by the loss of his identity as a family man and feared the inevitable reduction of his assets. In rapid succession, he experienced all the stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining and depression before finally arriving at acceptance.

He didn’t want the whirlwind of change he found himself facing. He had been comfortable in the marriage. Although it lacked passion, Jake never saw his marriage as broken. It was only in retrospect, after the legal process was over, that he came to recognize the marriage really had been dysfunctional and that his ex had been right. For years, he and his wife had been co=existing, without any real connection or deep intimacy.

My work as a conflict mediator brings me frequently into contact with clients like Jake, people have been thrust into turmoil. But one thing always within their control is their response to change. They can choose to embrace it, learn from it and grow.

For Jake, the period after the divorce was a revelation. By the time he and his wife had completed their Separation Agreement he had begun referring to his old life as his “Rip Van Winkle phase”. He felt like he had been sleepwalking, or under a self-induced spell. He knew he would never have shaken himself awake if his ex hadn’t rung the alarm. Difficult as divorce was, he was glad she prompted him to enter this new phase of his life.

Jake didn’t ask for the marriage to end. But when I checked in with him a year later, he told me his ex’s decision had prompted him to reflect. He felt more engaged, and had taken on a more communicative approach to the relationships he was now in. He was willingly working harder at keeping love alive by being more attentive to his new partner’s needs and more expressive of his own. He regretted that he had to learn it the hard way, and felt sorry for the pain he had caused his ex. I told him I wasn’t sure if there was any other way to grow. That pain is our best and maybe our only teacher.

I’m not suggesting you should ask for difficulty. There’s no need to seek it since difficulty has it’s way of finding you. When it arrives, just challenge the impulse to complain about it. Pivot away from the impulse to complain and direct yourself to become curious. Like coming upon a new exercise machine at the gym, try asking yourself: “What can this do for me? What skill I don’t yet have might this strengthen in me?” An answer will arise.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Why Mediation Works

May 25, 2022 Mike MacConnell

People hate to be in conflict. Shifting the lens can help.

As a mediator, I facilitate difficult conversations, most often between family members whose emotional issues with one another may have been brewing for decades. The threads of misunderstanding are always difficult to untangle. Yet most of these conversations work out well – surprisingly well from the viewpoint of participants who often begin with negative expectations. I count on the fact that people dislike being entrenched in conflict. They are hungry for healing. When offered an attentive ear and a safe space, most individuals open up. They speak honestly and learn to listen responsively to one another’s point of view. They hear and are surprised by one another’s pain. People feel relief because they feel heard and have gained a new perspective on an old story. The process reduces bitter feelings and helps repair relationships.

That is my experience most of the time. People are willing to change the lens through which they view their conflict, and to see matters from a new point of view.

I am often moved by moments of beauty in these conversations, by a sudden breakthrough that enables one person to see the other in a new light. Moments like that explain why I love the work. There are also slower transformations that gradually cause one family member to appreciate the hidden motivations of another, and thereby rebuild empathy and respect.

When the opposite occurs, it can be disappointing. I’ve never seen a case when dislike or distrust is greater at the end of the process than it was at the beginning. But sometimes one party or both are unwilling to consider the situation in a new light. This might happen because a person doesn’t get that mediation doesn’t work like court. It doesn’t investigate fact scenarios, doesn’t seek “objective truth” or try to judge whose story is most truthful. Disputes over facts aren’t the focus of our discussions. The goal is to rebuild a respectful relationship, and we do that by focusing on practical, soloution-oriented questions. “What behaviours do we need to agree on for things to be better in the future?”

The idea of “shifting the lens” to see the conflict in a new way is asking a lot. Change is always frightening and never easy. It requires significant courage and humility to consider conscious, willing change. In the short run it may appear safer to insist that their own version of truth is the whole truth, to stay secure in the story as they have told it. But those who remain unwilling to look through a new lens, who try to play it safe, are sadly not the most successful at resolving their conflict.

My heart goes out to those people. I respect their wishes, their timing, their goals. It’s not for me to say if, or how, or when they should change. But I can’t help wishing I had a way to encourage them to consider shifting their approach. I keep looking for ways to help family members view themselves and others through a new lens.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

FAQs about 2-Party Mediation

April 26, 2022 Mike MacConnell

What is mediation?

Mediation is a non-adversarial dispute resolution process. A neutral third party, the mediator, helps the two sides reach a resolution acceptable to them both, through a series of respectful conversations. The mediator has no decision-making authority.

What issues do you address in mediation?

I help address relationship issues in family and workplace settings, from minor irritations to legal issues such as separation and divorce. The range of issues is infinite. They are unique to each case. Communication is the one issue relevant to all cases.

How much does mediation cost?

My fees are $210/hr. + HST = $237.30/hr. That’s $118.65/hr per person when costs are split equally. I also provide reduced rates to clients who qualify. Although these fees can be an impediment to some people, they are vastly less expensive than litigation.

Do you offer free consultations?

Yes. I require an initial, free-of-charge session with each party. Prior to accepting payment, I must assess whether the case is appropriate to my skills, and describe the process so you can make a fully informed decision about whether to move forward.

What is the protection for privacy?

I only offer closed mediations. That means nothing said in mediation is admissible in court. Everything is confidential, unlike court statements which are on the public record.

How do I know mediation will be fair?

Power imbalances exist in all conflicts. To ensure a balanced process, I can introduce accommodations such as a support person or separate rooms for each party. If a perception of unfairness arises, it gets named, addressed and resolved or the process is terminated.

What if one party is right and the other is wrong?

We’re not passing judgment, presenting evidence or proving a case. Even those who have behaved poorly have legitimate feelings and needs. We don’t mediate opinions or beliefs. The goal is to agree on behaviours that will reduce future conflict and improve relationships.

What happens if one party refuses to mediate?

Mediation must be voluntary, from the start and all the way through, and both must be willing. I can reach out to hesitant individuals to describe options, respond to their concerns and assure them it is safe, autonomous and confidential. It is up to them to decide.

Can youth request mediation?
Yes, I frequently assist youth who are at odds with peers in school or with parents/siblings at home. This enables their voice to be heard. They are empowered by participating in conversations that build understanding and in creating solutions respectful to both sides.

"We've tried to talk already. Why should we meditate?"

If “kitchen table” conversations are productive, there is no need to bring in a third party. But most people aren’t trained in conflict communication. Tempers get hot. Voices rise. People stop listening to one another. That’s when the facilitator can make a world of difference.

Couldn’t we do it ourselves without your help?

Yes, and you would save money. But it takes a lot of skill and patience to communicate successfully about difficult subjects. I’m experienced at managing the “temperature in the room” to ensure each person is heard and understood. I model (and often offering coaching on) conflict communication skills and strategies that remain with you after mediation ends.

Is a mediation agreement binding?

No, a mediated agreement (called a Memorandum of Understanding) is not signed and not legally binding. If you wish to make the agreement legally binding, the terms agreed upon are converted by a lawyer into a more formal document to be signed by all participants.

What happens if I say something in mediation but then change my mind?

You are free to change your mind at any time during mediation. Once terms have been agreed upon, then no party can unilaterally impose a change.

How is mediation different than arbitration?

Arbitration is an adversarial dispute resolution process that is similar to court, but is usually held in a less formal setting. Each party presents their argument to the arbitrator, who has full authority to make a binding and final decision.

What are the advantages of mediation over court?

You control the time. You control the costs. You control the outcomes. Complete privacy and confidentiality. The process is flexible to your needs. Relationships typically improve since mediation encourages participants to collaborate on a solution that satisfies both sides.

What are the disadvantages of mediation compared with court?

It is possible for mediation to not reach a settlement. That’s it’s only disadvantage. Even when no settlement is reached, parties usually understand one another more respectfully.

Does mediation only work when two people are involved?

No. Two participants is the standard situation, but I also offer multi-party mediation sessions for up to 3 or 4 participants, and restorative justice circles for groups of up to 15.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The Modern Divorce Team

March 30, 2022 Mike MacConnell

The cost of an uncontested, out-of-court Separation Agreement is normally unpredictable. Fees routinely range to well beyond $15,000 per person. Our expert team of four collaborative experts has just introduced flat-rate divorce packages ranging from $4,775 to $9700 per person. Moreover, clients who qualify won’t need to pay a penny until the process is over.

The Modern Divorce Team provides a mediator, a financial expert and two lawyers, one who will represent the interests of each spouse. This is all the expertise you need in one place – for much less time and money than the standard divorce solution. We created this option to ease the stress of our clients, who are often grieving the loss of their family dream, fearing an uncertain future for themselves and their children, and feeling very alone.

We help couples reach a legally binding settlement within 6 to 10 months, or less. For clients who qualify, payment can be deferred until the case is settled. This can also include financing the rental of separate living quarters, if needed, while your agreement is being negotiated.

We offer 3 packages:

The Family Package- $19,400 per couple or $9,700 per person + HST*
The Couples Package- $14,650 per couple or $7,325 per person + HST*
The Starter Package- $9,550 per couple or $4,775 per person + HST* (no children, less complex financials)

* We reserve the right to change current pricing.

We can also customize a plan for specific needs, such as owning a business, in addition to offering deferred payment for those who need the extra “wiggle room”.

All of our packages involve a co-ordinated team of 4 divorce specialists:

Two neutrals:

Mike MacConnell, accredited family mediator, your point person, who handles all negotiations. www.reflectivemediation.ca

and

Eva Sachs, divorce financial expert, who gathers and completes joint financial disclosure. www.evasachs.com

Plus two lawyers:

Anna-Marie Musson, collaborative family lawyer, representing and supporting one spouse. www.mlawgroup.ca

and

Ryan Osbourne, collaborative family lawyer, representing and supporting the other spouse. www.osbournecollaborativelaw.com.

Even if you avoid going to court, which is notoriously lengthy and expensive, there are risks to traditional Out-of-Court settlements.

These include:

· If you do it yourself, you will almost certainly lack the full financial disclosures and legal expertise that are required to provide you with full protection;

· Family lawyers charge by the hour, and are trained in an adversarial system. Expenses mount unexpectedly when they quarrel and charge for each interaction;

· The time frame is unpredictable when you hire lawyers or, a mediator, who do not communicate regularly with one another or interact smoothly;

· Family lawyers are not financial specialists. You risk a settlement that doesn’t have the expertise to accurately determine support obligations and equalization of assets.

We are committed to avoiding the tensions that can arise between lawyer and client when the total service costs are open ended. Many lawyers will need their retainers topped up several times during the course of finalizing a divorce. Clients are usually okay with this once or maybe twice, but as the costs escalate over time there can be a loss of goodwill in the relationship

We want to ensure our relationship is pure, secure and transparent at all times

With The Modern Divorce Team as guides, clients are the decision-makers. You come away with the full protection of an expertly crafted Separation Agreement that has been customized to meet the unique needs of your family, now and for the future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The Role of the Mediator in Family Disputes

February 20, 2022 Mike MacConnell

Mediation has recently become a popular way to settle cases of separation and divorce. Unlike a lawyer, who is trained to take the side of one client and give advice, a mediator is asked to be “in the middle” of those in dispute. Mediators facilitate conversations that ensure you negotiate respectfully with one another. You reconcile your differences by constructing an agreement acceptable to both parties, without the mediator taking sides or imposing any binding decisions.

There are some real advantages to this way of resolving disputes:

· It is less stressful than a court trial

· It’s less expensive and is over more quickly

· A judge doesn’t make the final decision. Parties in dispute work it out together

· The process is confidential, whereas court trials are on the public record

· Because mediation requires respectful communication and mutual decision-making, it tends to improve communication between divorcing parents. This has future benefits when you are co-parenting.

Family mediation has applications far beyond separation and divorce, such as parent-child or sibling disputes. Only some marriages come to an end, but nearly all families experience conflict and tension at some time or other. Many families could improve relationships and avoid future breakdown if they brought in an impartial third party to facilitate respectful, open conversation.

Disputes also arise in workplace and commercial settings, but at the end of the day you can go home and get on with your life. Not so with family disputes. You can’t change your blood relations. Family conflict impacts the most important relationships in your life, your core identity and deepest values.

Differences between people are natural and inevitable. The problem isn’t that differences exist. The problem is that we communicate poorly and avoid issues until they grow out of control. People may react with frigid silences, explosions of fury or suppressed emotions that affect their health. Well managed communication can prevent those misunderstandings and heal those wounds.

Facilitated conversations are not easy, nor are they guaranteed, even with the help of a mediator. To provide a safe space, mediators need to screen clients to ensure willingness and ability to negotiate in good faith. By that, I mean a readiness to accept the legitimacy of the other person’s point of view and a willingness to collaborate on reaching terms of agreement that meet the needs of both sides, not just your own.

Private coaching is often offered in advance of joint sessions to cultivate non-adversarial skills. In the heat of conflict, you are likely to discredit the other person. You imagine they are less worthy, that their motives are less noble than your own. When you are hurt, you may want to defeat and punish those who hurt you. These are natural reactions, but Mediation requires a calmer frame of mind. This process asks you to put aside the impulse to win and instead to seek what is fair.

This often amounts to mediating first within yourself. Check in to calm yourself down and challenge the impulse to label and judge the other person. The truth is you probably don’t understand them. This is family. There is love here, or at least there once was. Your goal is to cultivate your relationship so each of you thrives and love returns. Instead of judging and blaming yourself or the other person, mediation asks you to listen deeply to understand their unmet needs and thwarted wishes. Only then will they be open to understanding the needs and wishes that matter to you.

The presence of an impartial third party is helpful to keep the temperature of the room calm, to stay focused on one topic at a time and to slow the back-and-forth flow so that each person feels fully heard before moving to the next speaker.

Solutions are built on a foundation of understanding. Once you have listened deeply to one another, you will not find it difficult to reach agreement on how you each want to behave in the future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

How to Mediate Opposing Views on Vaccinations

January 26, 2022 Mike MacConnell

One of the growing areas of my mediation practice is mediating family disputes over COVID vaccinations. Here’s what I suggest to family members who want everyone to be vaccinated.

A direct attack on the ideology becomes an attack on the person. Respectful engagement is the only approach that has been shown to bring about change that is safe and socially beneficial.

1. Pause. Take a Breath. Get Curious.

Avoid aggression; cultivate curiosity. Resist the impulse to judge and inquire instead into what the person is worried about. Is it fear of vaccine? Anger at society? Distrust of experts? Inquire with sincerity to learn the human story behind their beliefs.

2. Identify values you share

Build rapport by finding out what matters to this person. Are they refusing the vaccine because they fear it will make them sick? Then you both share the goal of avoiding illness. Is it because they distrust the source of information? If that’s the case, then you both agree that finding truth matters. You can connect with one another’s humanity even though reached different conclusions. “We both don’t want to get sick. Tell me why you think global research results are wrong?”

3. Challenge their method, not their facts

People who are vaccine hesitant don’t usually consider themselves anti-science. They believe themselves to be sceptics who just have doubts. Beneath their doubt, however, lies a deep distrust. They frequently rely on conspiracy theories posed by fake experts and denigrate the evidence presented by respected experts.

Instead of contradicting their “facts”, challenge how they acquire and use their facts. How certain are they about the sources they rely upon? How did they gain such trust in their experts? Is their expert selling anything or making a profit by promoting their ideas? On what basis has their expert refuted the authority of global research? Does your expert claim certainty?

4. Focus on how science functions.

The vaccine hesitant commonly believe that science must be perfect to be credible. They interpret the changing advice from health experts as evidence of flawed research. Actually, a defining feature of sound science is that theories are matters of probability, always open to adjustment as new evidence emerges. The fact that medical advice on COVID keeps changing shows that science is functioning well by responding to new evidence.

Ask if they’re motivated by science or ideological belief. If they claim science, try asking “what evidence would cause you to change your mind?” They can’t claim a scientific attitude unless they can identify the evidence that would disprove their belief. Have they actively looked to see if evidence exists that would challenge their theory?

In Summary

The subtext of this approach is that you are positively aligned with one another in a shared inquiry. You agree on the importance of finding truth. At the same time, you are scrutinizing their method to encourage them to question their rock-solid certainty. You aren’t claiming certainty that they are wrong, only inviting them to explain their reasoning.

You are treating the vaccine-hesitant person as an intelligent and ethical seeker after truth. This respectful approach CAN shift their stance so they decide freely, without coercion, to become more socially compliant. In doing so they will better protect themselves and others.

Individuals are open to change when they feel safe. It comes about following connection with someone they trust, with whom they are personally engaged, and by whom they feel respected.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mediation is Restorative Justice

December 28, 2021 Mike MacConnell

I’ve heard the term “restorative justice”. What does it mean?

You may have heard it on the news regarding criminal cases. Restorative justice “seeks to repair harm by providing an opportunity for those harmed and those who take responsibility for the harm to communicate about and address their needs in the aftermath of a crime.” https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/rj-jr/index.html

The government’s definition is overly narrow. Yes, it’s an attempt to repair harm. But R.J. can be employed between people whenever harm occurs, not only in “the aftermath of a crime”.

In my practice as a family and workplace mediator, for example, I facilitate conversations to resolve disputes and repair relationships in cases where individuals feel harmed even though no crime has occurred.

Mediation is growing in popularity and provides an important format in which restorative justice can occur.

What are its goals?

Retributive justice is the typical response to harm. The justice system determines guilt and then punishes the guilty party, often by sending them to jail. Likewise, employers might fire an employee or principals expel a student.

Restorative justice has the opposite goal – to repair harm by allowing parties to communicate. The goal is to integrate parties and enhance connection.

How does RJ work?

In essence, it’s about hosting an opportunity for willing parties to communicate with one another. But the format varies enormously depending on the degree of prior harm and who hosts the conversation.

Can you provide some examples?

In Indigenous communities, which first developed restorative justice, the process involves a healing circle in which members of the community, not only the parties in dispute, have a chance to participate, listen and be heard. It’s an effort to unify the community. Restorative Justice Circles on this model have recently become more and more popular in non-indigenous settings such as schools and workplaces.

For cases within the criminal justice system, the “offender” and “victim” are brought into a safe, facilitated conversation, as an adjunct to the court process or in lieu of it, with lawyers and/or other support persons present. A sexual offender, for example, might hear a victim impact statement directly from the offended party. The process is dramatic and can be very healing. http://restorativejustice.org/about-us/stories/how-i-got-an-apology-from-my-abuser/8/#sthash.bY4fbquS.dpbs

In my mediation practice with families and in workplaces I avoid terms like “victim” and “offender” since each participant is likely to feel harmed and a solution, not judgement, is the goal. Divorce cases can be particularly traumatic. Often both parties feel unfairly treated. Facilitated conversations help participants understand the impact of their behaviour on one another. Mutual understanding then enables them to agree on how to act in future.

What is the Main Benefit of Restorative Justice?

Restorative justice can’t guarantee to repair your relationship, but going to court or filing a workplace grievance does guarantee to harm it, since your objective in those settings is not to understand the other person but to prove them wrong.

The clients I work with were once in relationships that worked. They once saw the best in one another. In conflict we lose that insight. Building evidence in a case to prove the other person wrong tends to trigger them to defend and counter-attack. Repair becomes possible, and occurs surprisingly quickly, when the approach is one of speaking from the heart and being heard.

Not all disputes require restorative justice. But when they arise where relationships matter, then looking into a restorative justice approach is almost always the wisest first step.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Introducing Mike MacConnell and Reflective Mediation

November 28, 2021 Mike MacConnell

Ten years ago, in 2011, I came to a crossroads in my life when my first marriage and first business came to an end. Blindsided by those failures, I was forced to re-examine my lifelong aversion to conflict and how it had prevented me from resolving disputes with my business partner and ex-wife.

I didn’t just rethink my approach, I spent three years studying dispute resolution at university and made it the centre of my new career. Today I’m an Accredited Family and Workplace Mediator and Certified Communication Coach. In 2014 I founded Reflective Mediation, a dispute resolution and training service, and in 2016 published The Yoga of Divorce: A Mindful Route to Resolving Disputes.

It has been satisfying to help others repair relationships and relieve their distress.

When the process is properly managed, a well-trained mediator ensures a safe and confidential space in which to address emotionally charged topics, with or without a support person by your side. Demanding mutual respect between conflicting parties helps them move toward agreement.

A facilitated conversation really does work. It guides parties to slow down, to get curious about the other person and really LISTEN for what matters. Curiosity motivates listening; listening builds understanding, and understanding generates empathy. I observe this with clients on a regular basis. Even when individuals have radically different values, needs and opinions, the dawning of respect enables them to work together to generate an agreement.

The effort pays off when relationships really matter. I have experienced success with:

· Families and couples seeking to reconnect and rebuild their relationship;

· Married and common-law couples seeking an amicable separation agreement that works for them and their children;

· Solving workplace disputes between colleagues or between employees and management.

Reflective Mediation provides four main services:

1. Private coaching. I help an individual to clarify goals, build communication skills and refine strategies to realize those goals;

2. 2-party mediation. I serve two people who voluntarily agree to work with me as an impartial facilitator to negotiate an agreement suitable to them both. I manage the process (quite fiercely when needed) but don’t dictate the outcome. Participants are the experts in their problem and create their own solution.

3. Multi-party Restorative Justice Circle. Offered to groups of up to 12, the circle process ensures that all parties get heard and the group can come to an agreement that acknowledges multiple viewpoints.

4. Dispute Resolution Workshops. Customized for groups of up to 20, these highly interactive training sessions build practical skills of conflict management, tailored to the needs of your group.

I’m available week-days 9-5, most evenings and Sunday afternoons. I work primarily via zoom teleconferencing, although as Covid lifts I’m also meeting in person with clients in the Greater Toronto Area. I charge $200 per hour plus HST for each of the above services. That fee is split between clients when more than one participant is involved.

On my website www.ReflectiveMediation.ca you’ll find a virtual scheduling calendar, which allows you to book a free-of-charge initial consultation at a time convenient for you. I encourage you to schedule a free session to share your story and find out whether my service fits your goals.

To Speak or Not to Speak – That Is the Question (When To Press Pause)

October 24, 2021 Mike MacConnell

“I try not to react, but one day I’m afraid I’m going to burst. Arguing just makes it worse.”

Every couple struggles at times to communicate. Some boil in silence; others snap back defensively. But lasting connection is built out of small, daily, often unnoticed efforts of patience and restraint that enable you to listen with respect and speak your mind clearly.

Instead of cold forbearance and withdrawal or hot counter-attack, try pivoting instead toward genuine curiosity about the other person’s feelings. Listening with deep sincerity is the first step toward an honest conversation. That’s when a couple can collaborate.

It’s hard to know how and when to speak, yet at some point, speak we must. The challenge to decide when to speak and when to let it pass requires an effort. Here are a few tips to make it easier.

If you tend to push at difficult topics:

Ask yourself about your intention. Are you trying to prove you’re right, explain yourself or push to a solution? If so, save your words for later.

If your goal is to work through a problem and to do so together, then the following tips help direct the conversation toward a deeper understanding:

· Inquire into their feelings and what matters to them right now

· Ask about what they would have liked, what they wish would have happened

· Name something specific you observed and ask what its impact was on them

· Summarize what you are hearing to check in if you are hearing correctly

If you tend to avoid difficult topics:

If silence is your fallback, try to keep in mind that all emotions are legitimate. They deserve to be heard. More than that, they offer a window into our deepest needs. Speaking about them will accelerate you and your partner’s awareness of what matters.

Negative emotions rise out of healthy needs that aren’t being met. They are worth exploring together to find more skilful ways to meet them. To get a healthy conversation going, the points above will help you to “get” what matters to the other. But chances are, you haven’t been heard. To help them “get” your viewpoint regarding the issue or conflict at hand:

· Begin with a positive quality of the other that is honest and relevant

· Identify the emotional impact, for you, of a specific thing that happened

· Identify the underlying need, belief or value that matters to you and caused the feeling to arise

· Ask the other person to summarize what they have heard you say

· Inquire about their comments or questions and viewpoint

Beware of concluding too quickly that because you’re struggling you must be with the wrong person. Struggle sparks change and motivates growth. Resenting or avoiding the hard conversations can cause you to miss the fact that those difficulties can take you to a deeper place of intimacy and understanding. We need to be tested to discover who we are capable of becoming.

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In Search of Happiness? Then Sit First with Sadness

September 29, 2021 Mike MacConnell

My friend is trying to find happiness and worries he is failing. In the eyes of the world, he’s a success: a gifted young professional supported by a warm partner, family and friends. When he’s busy he feels fine. Yet in quiet moments of reflection those external markers of success only make him feel emptier. “What’s wrong with me?”, he often wonders, “Shouldn’t my accomplishments be enough?”

His solution has been to push harder, work longer hours, train harder at the gym, take extra courses and do volunteer work in his community. He hopes, by doing more, to drown out the doubts, to feel worthy and find peace.

He isn’t a client, but knows I’m a life coach whose work is to help others make desired changes. He came to me for advice. I listened first to understand the change he wanted and after a few meetings I was able to respond. The advice I offered went something like this.

“We live in a culture that embraces observable, external success, that encourages doing more, acquiring or accomplishing measurable things. It works for some people. For you, however, the journey for meaning is inward. You need to continue performing in the world. Keep doing that. Then give yourself a break. Make time to stop doing.

It takes courage to stand still in the mess, “to sit with discomfort without trying to fix it”. My friend has been trying to fill the void by doing more and more. That’s worthy, but it’s only half the story for those of us working to ward off low-level depression. He encouraged me to continue.

“Time to try doing les and face the negative emotions that arise when you slow down. Practise sitting still, facing the sadness, the fear, the uncertainty, before rushing to distract yourself with another task.

Even for just 5 minutes a day. It’s an exercise in emotional acceptance, a recognition that uncomfortable emotion is part of who we are. Study where the feeling lives in your body. Sit with it. Then watch as the emotion drifts away, unable to hurt you once you stop fearing it.”

My friend’s unhappiness arises in part from unrealistic demands he places on himself. He sees his distress as a failing, something that shouldn’t be there. I urged him to honour the sorrow without pushing it away.

A healthy identity encompasses the full palette of emotion. Sadness does NOT define who he is, but in its place it’s an honest, healthy part. Pushing it away won’t get rid of it, only lend it undue importance as though it is to be feared.

I wanted my final words to be encouraging. “Try connecting with the sadness. Listen to it, learn from it, comfort it, hold it. To paraphrase an eastern parable: “Instead of chasing after wellbeing, consider this: wellbeing might be behind you, struggling to catch up to you.”

My words didn’t fix anything. They weren’t intended to. But my friend told me recently that he feels more empowered now that he works less on controlling his difficult emotions and more on understanding and accepting them.

After we ended, I sent him the following quotation, which he now has posted on his wall.

“When we touch the center of sorrow, when we sit with discomfort without trying to fix it, when we stay present to the pain of disapproval or betrayal and let it soften us, these are the times that we connect with bodhichitta (awakened mind).”

From The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times, page 9

by Pema Chödrön

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