With divorce comes grief over the loss of your identity as a couple and uncertainty about the future, then the hurdle of telling the news to the kids. You love them more than the world and want to spare them the worst. Yet they need to know that their lives are going to change in ways they won’t welcome. Is there a way to say it that minimizes the pain?
The answer is yes. You may want a mediator or child therapist to guide you, although you can do it safely yourselves if you follow these guidelines, keeping in mind that the approach you use will vary depending on their age. Telling the Kids: An Age By Age Guide.
Research is quite conclusive regarding best practices and suggests that when parents cooperate in presenting the news, the negative impact on kids is greatly minimized. You CAN deliver a message that is reassuring and hopeful, while modeling a positive response to change.
It's not just about the words. Your tone of voice and body language are equally important in communicating a message of reassurance. Here are some helpful hints for couples who can work together for the sake of their children.
1. Wait to tell them until after you have reached agreement on key issues relevant to their lives, and after you’ve agreed how you’ll be saying it. To do it right, it’s essential to get yourselves on the same page first.
2. Gather the family together, both parents and all the children. Keep your gaze calm and steady, posture upright, face and shoulders relaxed. “Your parents are going to separate. We will be living in separate houses, but we will always be united in our love and care for you. We have worked together on arrangements with your best interests in mind.” Saying something like this calmly, sitting next to one another, is a way to show it while saying it.
3. Keep it calm and simple, taking turns speaking so they hear it coming as a united message from both of you. Be prepared for emotional interruptions, and if they occur, go with the emotion rather than pushing against it. “I know this is upsetting. It is a big change, hard to accept” rather than “don’t worry, there’s nothing to be worried about.” Respond to strong emotion by asking questions rather than making assumptions and giving information.
4. That’s it. Now check in with them, responding at an age-appropriate level to whatever questions they have or emotions they express. Whether it’s anxiety, outrage or whatever, reassure them that the feelings are natural, understandable, and that you’ll all be working together to adjust to these changes.
5. After the conversation is done, you’ve just begun. Checking in with them over the coming days and weeks will be crucial. Stay attuned to what they don’t say as well as what they do. Glum silence may be the most troublesome behaviour. Get help as needed to empower them to accept the situation and express their needs.
Unwanted change is a fact of life. By working together to manage it, you model the calm assertiveness that helps your children grow into resilient adults.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
