Have you ever felt like you are at war with yourself? Like there are different parts of you that are constantly in conflict, each wanting something different. Maybe you want to be a better listener, more sensitive to the needs of your partner, but your loner side just wants to go into the den and surf the net. Or maybe you want to get started on that new recipe, but another side of you can't resist a nap on the sofa.
We all have different parts of ourselves, and sometimes they don't agree with each other. It's easy to judge these sides of ourselves as bad and declare war on them; but what if we approached them with curiosity and compassion instead? We all know some people who aren’t bothered by their different aspects of their personalities.
For those who are troubled by it, the work of Richard Schwartz can be helpful. He was an influential psychotherapist in the 1980’s who introduced Internal Family Systems theory. According to Schwartz, the self contains subparts that make up our internal family. These parts are identified by him in three main categories: managers, firefighters, and exiles.
Managers are the parts of us that try to keep everything under control. They set rules and boundaries to protect us from harm. For example, your manager part might be the one that makes sure you’re a reliable partner, trying hard not to raise your voice even when you’re upset.
Firefighters are the parts of us that spring into action when something goes wrong, helping us cope with stress and trauma. For example, your firefighter side might be the one that provides a special treat when your partner is feeling down.
Exiles are the hidden parts of us that carry our emotional pain and trauma. These are secret sides of ourselves that can cause us a lot of pain if they're not recognized and dealt with. Maybe since being raised by dismissive parents you’ve never quite felt fully appreciated by your spouse.
The key to working with these parts is to approach them with respect, curiosity, and compassion. Instead of judging them, we can try to understand why they're there and what they're trying to do for us. That means slowing down to acknowledge and become better acquainted with ourselves. We can ask questions like, "What is this side of me really seeking right now? What is it showing me about what really matters to me?” Rather than shutting it down or acting on it impulsively, we can ask, “are there other ways to satisfy it that I haven’t yet considered?"
These questions help us remember that every part of ourselves has value when treated with respect. Your lazy side might point to the importance of down time in your life, while that ambitious streak may indicate the importance of accomplishing things. Recognizing this may help you to accept that each side is legitimate, which is an important first step in finding a balance between them.
So, the next time you feel like you're at war with yourself, try approaching your different parts with curiosity and compassion. You might be surprised at what you discover. And if you need a little extra support, consider finding a life coach Reflective Mediation or therapist to guide you into this domain. Or if you are a DIY type, consider checking out Richard Schwartz's internal family systems theory. Richard Schwartz One of these steps could be just what you need to find greater harmony within yourself.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
