Don't Wait Until It's Too Late: The Power of Early Relationship Repair

Consider this scenario: a couple seeks mediation, their once-shared dreams now eclipsed by disagreements and misunderstandings. It's a familiar narrative, one that underscores the significance of timely intervention.

Communication, I've found, is the cornerstone of relational harmony. Yet, it's an art that requires cultivation and refinement. Take the common dilemma of divergent needs when, for example, one person says "I need space" while the other is asking "Why won't you talk with me?" One person wants to decompress in silence, while the other is itching for a heart-to-heart. Cue the misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and before you know it, you're sleeping in separate postal codes.

However, beneath the differences and the judgements that follow from them, there lies a profound truth: both perspectives are valid, deserving of acknowledgment and understanding. It's the way these needs are articulated and received that determines the outcome. Through effective communication strategies, couples can navigate these differences with grace and empathy.

The skills are not abstract or complicated, requiring only that your primary commitment is to connect. From this perspective, listening becomes more than a passive act—it evolves into an empathetic exchange, fostering mutual respect and validation. The key is curiosity – and the technique involves summarizing what you’ve heard the person say, being sure you fully understand what matters to them before offering any correction.

Likewise, when raising a concern, the key is to focus on the underlying value that matters to you, without focusing on the faults of the other. For example, instead of: “It is rude and unfair that you’re always interrupting me” you might say “You’ve just interrupted me. That’s hurtful, because I want our conversations to be balanced and respectful.” This can transform a tense moment into an opportunity for constructive dialogue, where vulnerability is met with compassion. What might begin as conscious uncoupling can shift into relationship repair.

In the realm of family mediation and co

mmunication coaching, I often find myself at the crossroads of love and conflict, witnessing the intricate dynamics that shape relationships. That’s why I offer communication coaching services. Through my experiences, I've come to appreciate the pivotal role of proactive communication in fostering healthy connections.

As a neutral, my role extends beyond conflict resolution or the construction of a Separation Agreement. When they wait too long, until after the love has died, then yes, it’s about negotiating a legal contract. But even then, in cases when children are involved, the work is about equipping couples with communication tools so they can become effective co-parents raising healthy kids from separate households. If they had started this work earlier however, they could have done it within the same household and without splitting their assets in half.

The message is not admonition but empowerment. Relationship repair, I firmly believe, is not only attainable but transformative. It necessitates dedication and effort, yet its rewards are immeasurable—a renewed sense of connection, strengthened by mutual understanding and growth. By fostering an environment of open dialogue and empathy, couples can mitigate conflicts before they escalate, laying the groundwork for enduring harmony.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Ensure Fair Division of Assets in a Divorce? Answers to the Thorny Questions Around Dividing Assets in a Divorce

Financial issues often emerge as flash points of conflict in separation agreements. Disputes about money can escalate quickly, and if you let them fester, can lead to prolonged court battles and exorbitant legal fees. Unfortunately, the traditional adversarial approach to resolving disputes can add to tension and prolong the process, leaving both parties emotionally and financially drained.

As a family mediator, I frequently advise my clients to enlist the help of a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA). They specialize in navigating the intricate financial complexities common in family law cases. Unlike lawyers, who are each required to fight zealously for their client, CDFA's are neutrals, like mediators, who focus on achieving an equitable outcome for both parties. Their hourly rates are almost always lower than lawyers, and are split equally between each client.

Here are just some of the items a CDFA can help with:

· Child support obligations

· Spousal support entitlements

· Valuation of the home and other investments

· Division of workplace pensions

· Tax implications when RRSPs or pensions are transferred

· Treatment options regarding inheritance & family gifts

· Status of assets brought into the relationship

· And many, many more

In all separation agreements, both parties are required to disclose all assets, liabilities, and financial obligations, but they may not trust one another’s disclosures, let alone agree on how to divide them. Without a foundation of trusted facts, disputes over child support, spousal support, and property division can linger unresolved, prolonging the separation process – and the fees - indefinitely. One of the most compelling reasons to engage a CDFA is their ability to determine who owns and owes what amount, according to law. They accomplish this by gathering evidence of each party’s assets and liabilities and entering that information into specially designed spreadsheets and calculators to determine each person’s entitlements and obligations.

All of this is not to suggest that the CDFA is always a one stop guarantee. Depending on your level of conflict and the complexity of your finances, other financial experts can sometimes be required as requested by the CDFA or either of the lawyers. This could include

· Business valuator

· Estate lawyer

· Insurance advisor

· Forensic accountant

· Real estate appraiser

· Pension Specialist

· Tax advisor

In addition to the number crunching, since they are neutral and objective, CDFA's foster an environment of collaboration and cooperation, minimizing conflict and reducing overall expenses. They save time and money in the short term, and by ensuring your separation agreement is accurate and enforceable, their benefits last well into the future.

Ultimately, the decision to enlist the services of a CDFA is an investment in clarity, fairness, and peace of mind. By prioritizing precision and collaboration in resolving financial matters, couples can streamline the separation process and mitigate the emotional and financial toll often associated with divorce proceedings.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Peace on Earth: The Power of Learning the Other Person’s Viewpoint

In a world where opinions diverge more than ever, the ability to resolve conflicts and bridge differences has never been more crucial. Too often, we find ourselves confined within the echo chambers of our own beliefs, ridiculing the perspectives of those we disagree with. This behavior not only stifles meaningful debate but also perpetuates misunderstandings and heightens conflicts. It’s not hopeless. Things can improve. That begins with dialogue, and dialogue becomes authentic when we take seriously the other side's point of view. Doing so has a transformative impact at a personal and international level.

The Echo Chamber Effect:

In an era dominated by social media and personalized news feeds, it's become all too easy to surround ourselves with like-minded individuals and voices that mirror our own beliefs. This phenomenon, known as the echo chamber effect, has far-reaching implications. It reinforces our existing opinions, makes us more resistant to change, and leaves us blind to the merits of other perspectives and the drawbacks of our own.

The Art of Empathetic Listening:

Conflict resolution begins with empathy, and understanding the other side's point of view is a critical component of empathy. Rather than entirely dismissing your opponents' arguments, those who take the time to truly listen will better appreciate the nuances, strengths, and weaknesses of both positions. This opens the door to constructive dialogue, mutual understanding and collaborative solutions.

Beyond Demonization:

Whether in divorce negotiations, politics, or international relations, the tendency to demonize the other side is a common stumbling block. It is easier to reject and vilify our opponents than to acknowledge their legitimate needs. Demonization deepens divisions and hampers the pursuit of common ground. Instead, we should strive to recognize the legitimate needs expressed by our adversaries and use them as a foundation for constructive dialogue, even when we disagree with the strategies or position they may take.

The Road to Lasting Solutions:

Peaceful co-existence requires respectful communication. When both sides make a genuine effort to understand each other's unmet needs, the groundwork is laid for lasting solutions. This process is not about surrendering one's position but finding common ground to address the concerns of all parties involved. Diplomacy can only be successful when it is rooted in mutual respect and understanding.

The Way Forward:

To create a more harmonious and cooperative world, a first step is studying the other side's point of view. This practice doesn't require us to compromise our beliefs, but rather to expand our perspective and engage in meaningful conversations. It means setting aside preconceived notions, actively listening, and acknowledging that both sides have valid concerns. All sides would rather suffer less. Solutions that address the interests of everyone involved require an understanding of each side’s unmet needs.

The importance of studying the other side's opinion can’t be overstated. It is the key to breaking free from the shackles of echo chambers and fostering a more understanding, empathetic, and peaceful society. In personal relationships, party politics, and international affairs, the power of open, respectful

communication is the path to resolving conflicts and creating a world where diverse viewpoints can coexist harmoniously. Exceptions do exist. Some extremist groups and individuals may not be willing or able to engage in good faith negotiation. Force can be legitimate in the face of terror tactics. But the vast majority of people in every nation would rather have stability, security and peace. Understanding their needs is the only way to work together toward solutions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Keeping Emotion in Check: 7 Ways to Tame the Tension in Divorce Negotiations

Out-of-court divorce negotiations are highly charged. To save legal costs and get an agreement that works for everyone, you’ve got to stay calm. That’s easier said than done, especially when triggered by the situation. Whether you tend to yell or shut down, here are some practical steps to keep things calm and focused during your tough negotiations. 

1. Seek a Compassionate Mediator

Finding a compassionate and empathetic mediator is essential. Look for someone who has experience working with divorcing couples, who understands the legal issues and emotional turmoil involved. A sensitive mediator will be attuned to your emotional triggers and create an environment where both parties can express their concerns without judgment or bias. Their ability to listen  and offer support often makes the difference between agreement and breakdown.

1. Prepare Yourself Mentally

Before each mediation session, take some time to prepare yourself mentally. Take a few deep breaths and focus on your breathing. Remind yourself that you are going into this meeting with the goal of reaching an agreement that is fair to both you, your ex and your kids. You may also find it helpful to set an intention for the mediation, such as "I will remain calm and focused throughout this session."

1. Identify Your Triggers

Let your mediator know what gets you fuming or shuts you down. Tell them what topics, gestures or comments are most likely to set you off. By doing this, you allow the mediator to adopt an approach that supports you throughout the process. You can come up with a plan for how to deal with touchy topics. For example, if you know you ex makes comments that trigger you, you can arrange for a signal to alert the facilitator that they need to intervene. 

1. Use "I" Statements

Using "I" statements can be a powerful tool for expressing your feelings and needs without coming across as aggressive or confrontational. For example, instead of saying "You're being unreasonable," you might say "I'm frustrated now because I don't feel like my concerns are being heard." By using "I" statements, you can communicate your feelings without making blame statements that put your ex on the defensive.

1. Respond to Escalation by “Going With” the Comment

Most of us push back when we hear things we disagree with. We challenge, counterattack, or provide information to correct the other person. That’s going to make them defensive and escalate things. If they have been insulting or hostile the mediator should take over. But even if they don’t, you can defuse the moment by “going with” the statement. Instead of “I am not being selfish” try “Tell me more. Help me understand what I’m I saying that makes you think I’m selfish?” If you have the patience to do this, I promise it will defuse their aggression.

1. Take Breaks

After point #5, you might feel yourself becoming overwhelmed. Then take a break. Taking a few minutes to step outside, take some deep breaths, or even just stretch your legs can be incredibly helpful in reducing your stress levels. Remember that it's better to take a break and come back to the conversation when you're feeling calmer than to continue the discussion while you're feeling triggered and risk making things worse.

1. Practice Active Listening

Finally, it's important to practice active listening during mediation. This means really listening to what your ex-partner is saying, and summarizing what you’ve heard to prove you were listening, whether you like it or not. By focusing on what your ex-partner is saying, you can better understand their perspective and work towards finding a solution that works for both of you.

In conclusion, negotiating a divorce can be a difficult and emotionally charged experience, but a sensitive mediator can help keep emotions in check and foster open dialogue. This helps create a shared understanding of each other's perspectives, facilitating the resolution of conflicts and enabling fair compromises. The guidance of a sensitive mediator can help you navigate difficult conversations and defuse potential triggers.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Tell the Children You’re Getting Divorced

With divorce comes grief over the loss of your identity as a couple and uncertainty about the future, then the hurdle of telling the news to the kids. You love them more than the world and want to spare them the worst. Yet they need to know that their lives are going to change in ways they won’t welcome. Is there a way to say it that minimizes the pain?

The answer is yes. You may want a mediator or child therapist to guide you, although you can do it safely yourselves if you follow these guidelines, keeping in mind that the approach you use will vary depending on their age. Telling the Kids: An Age By Age Guide.

Research is quite conclusive regarding best practices and suggests that when parents cooperate in presenting the news, the negative impact on kids is greatly minimized. You CAN deliver a message that is reassuring and hopeful, while modeling a positive response to change.

It's not just about the words. Your tone of voice and body language are equally important in communicating a message of reassurance. Here are some helpful hints for couples who can work together for the sake of their children.

1.      Wait to tell them until after you have reached agreement on key issues relevant to their lives, and after you’ve agreed how you’ll be saying it.  To do it right, it’s essential to get yourselves on the same page first.

2.      Gather the family together, both parents and all the children. Keep your gaze calm and steady, posture upright, face and shoulders relaxed. “Your parents are going to separate. We will be living in separate houses, but we will always be united in our love and care for you. We have worked together on arrangements with your best interests in mind.”  Saying something like this calmly, sitting next to one another, is a way to show it while saying it.

3.      Keep it calm and simple, taking turns speaking so they hear it coming as a united message from both of you. Be prepared for emotional interruptions, and if they occur, go with the emotion rather than pushing against it. “I know this is upsetting. It is a big change, hard to accept” rather than “don’t worry, there’s nothing to be worried about.” Respond to strong emotion by asking questions rather than making assumptions and giving information.

4.      That’s it. Now check in with them, responding at an age-appropriate level to whatever questions they have or emotions they express. Whether it’s anxiety, outrage or whatever, reassure them that the feelings are natural, understandable, and that you’ll all be working together to adjust to these changes.

5.      After the conversation is done, you’ve just begun. Checking in with them over the coming days and weeks will be crucial. Stay attuned to what they don’t say as well as what they do. Glum silence may be the most troublesome behaviour. Get help as needed to empower them to accept the situation and express their needs.

Unwanted change is a fact of life. By working together to manage it, you model the calm assertiveness that helps your children grow into resilient adults. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

The Steel Woman Defeats the Straw Man Argument The Guaranteed Route to Respect

Each one of us sees the world from our own angle. Viewing things differently can even be helpful in sharpening our understanding. Differences only lead to hostility when we stop listening.

Less skillful listeners often employ what is called a Straw Man argument. This is when someone misrepresents what the other person says, making a “man of straw” that is easier to defeat. For example, one spouse might say “we are not going out on dates and having fun with one another as often as we used to. It feels dull to me, like our life is all business.” A Straw Man response by the person’s partner might be, “Really? You want us to spend more money? You feel like we can afford to have fun all the time?”

It's not hard to see how quickly that will escalate the conversation. It twists and belittles the first speaker’s real concern, and suggests the one responding doesn’t care. What if the person who employed the Straw Man fallacy actually does care, but is distracted and worried about the household debt load? Each viewpoint has validity and both must be heard to resolve the dispute. The problem is the way the second person responded, causing the first person to feel misunderstood. Meanwhile, the second person hasn’t expressed what really matters to them. These people are well on their way to feeling hurt and disconnected.

In contrast to the Straw Man argument, the Steel Woman approach builds connection, provided you’re sincere when you practice it. The Steel Woman approach asks you to deliver the strongest sales pitch possible for your opponent’s argument.  It powerfully demonstrates that you have listened respectfully and understood the other person’s main points, despite your differences on some issues.

I’ve discovered the power of the Steel Woman approach in the relationship coaching that is part of my mediation work. When one party proves they have listened, it creates a respectful tone and allows partners to stay connected despite their differences.

For the couple quarreling about the infrequency of date nights, a Steel Woman response could go something like: “You’re remembering that we used to go out more often and have more fun. And that these days we tend to dwell on responsible, adult activities. You feel sad that we’re not as carefree. Is that it?”  

As with active listening, the first speaker now feels validated. They are more likely to trust that the listener cares about what they are feeling. The person who practiced the Steel Woman approach is now able to introduce their own concerns about financial constraints and be respectfully heard in turn.

Differences haven’t been erased. One person continues to care more about fun and the other more focused on financial restraint. But by pausing more mindfully to take turns, by responding to one another in a Steel Woman style, they will be on the same team when they begin suggesting solutions, such as low cost ways to have more fun again together.   

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

In Praise of Courage

A friend of mine deals daily with a serious, ongoing medical problem. Every aspect of her life: her diet, daily exercise, medications, have all been radically adjusted. Due to a weakened immune system, she has to take great care, but she continues to go out in the world, connecting with friends and living her life as normally as she can.

She is one of the most courageous people I know. Imagine my surprise when she rejected my acknowledgment of her bravery. “I’m not brave at all,” she told me, “I never chose this. Brave ones are those who do what they do by choice.”

“Courage has nothing to do with whether your circumstances were chosen,” I argued, “It is about how you respond to the circumstances you face. You are making choices. You make choices every day when you face the facts and take action despite risks. To me, your choices are courageous.”

Whether you are a soldier in battle or a patient in hospital, a young lover or a spouse at the end of a marriage, external circumstances are always beyond our control. We don’t create the conditions we find ourselves in. But we always have choices in how to respond.

I work with couples who are grieving the death of their marriage. Whether they initiated the divorce or are reacting to it, they are confronted by a choice between two paths. Do they resent, lament and shrink away, or stand tall and move toward the challenge? Courage is not about choosing the challenge, but about facing it without turning away. 

We live in a risk averse culture. Parents and teachers encourage kids to be safe. That’s important, of course, since there’s no benefit to rushing headlong into danger. Liability issues cause us to overly emphasize safety, however, when it is only one component of a vital life. I fear we do a disservice to our children and ourselves when we are too intent on avoiding risk. Ultimately, unwanted change will happen to us all. Life carries unavoidable risks. We are well advised to nurture attitudes that embrace a certain amount of risk as a route to enriched living.

Courage isn’t to be confused with impulsivity or recklessness. I recommend embracing risk carefully, even strategically, as a necessary ingredient to meaningful growth. Falling in love, launching a career, starting a business, driving a car: all carry risks. It isn’t courageous to rush blindly into those activities, or to pretend there aren’t any risks attached. Such denial borders more on foolishness than bravery. The courageous person clearly assesses the risks, balances them against the potential benefits, and chooses to proceed.

When my friend researched her disease instead of turning away from the unpleasant information and explored safe steps she could take instead of retreating to her room, she not only reengaged actively in the world, she also set the model, in my eyes, for what it means to be brave.  

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

“Best Interest of the Child" Easy to say it - but how to find it?

Anyone familiar with Canadian family law has heard the phrase “best interest of the child”. It’s the ONLY criterion a judge can use to decide on disputes between parents. That says a lot. The convenience of the adult doesn’t matter, only the welfare of the child(ren). 

In my experience as a family mediator, working with parents getting divorced, this “best interest” principle provides a solid foundation. If adults disagree on any parenting issue, the only argument that works is to explain how your position promotes your child’s best interest. 

It is an elegant measuring tool. It banishes all discussion of who is a better spouse, parent or person. Canadian Family Law has been a no fault process since 1968. Instead of judging who was right or wrong in the past it simply seeks the best decisions for the children’s future. 

But like many enlightened principles, the devil is in the detail. How do you predict what’s in the child’s best interest?  Let’s see how this can play out in key issues. 

Should We Divorce? 

Does our child fare better if we stay together, or if we separate our homes and financial resources? Contrary to popular belief, divorce can actually be better for children. Child psychologists generally agree that the single greatest predictor of long term mental health issues for children is not whether their parents were divorced, but whether they were exposed to prolonged, unresolved conflict. Cold, silent conflict is as harmful as the loud, hot variety. So the verdict is, if you can’t resolve your ongoing conflict, the best interest of the children may well be to separate. 

What Parenting Schedule? 

This can be intensely difficult to decide. Women are more often the primary caregiver for very young children, yet mom needs to let go eventually because close bonding with dad is equally important. Shorter blocks of time with each parent work best in the early years, while older children thrive on less shuttling back and forth. In other words, schedules should evolve over time.  To do that without conflict, positive communication is essential, which is one main benefit of mediation over court. 

Parenting Style – Hers or His?  

Both. Mom might be strict and dad more playful. Or dad cooks vegan and mom orders out. If you’re living in separate homes this isn’t your problem. When the kids are with you, do it your way, and give your ex space. Kids benefit from the best of both worlds. Instead of worrying, try having faith in their natural intelligence. In the long run your kids will gravitate toward the parenting style that is most healthy for them. 

Who’s the Boss? 

In my child protection training I learned to “give the child a voice, but not the choice”. Adults are responsible for decision-making.  But decisions truly in the best interest of the child require the adult to be attuned to their changing needs and emotions. That means asking. And listening. And maybe inquiring about the solution they think is best. This begins an early training in thinking through the pros and cons of difficult decisions. Although the final decision is yours, the more you collaborate with the child on arriving at it, the more empowered by it they will be. 

I “best interest” principle may not be easy to employ, but it provides a wise guide to our thinking. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Why Mediation Works

People hate to be in conflict. Shifting the lens can help.

As a mediator, I facilitate difficult conversations, most often between family members whose emotional issues with one another may have been brewing for decades. The threads of misunderstanding are always difficult to untangle. Yet most of these conversations work out well – surprisingly well from the viewpoint of participants who often begin with negative expectations. I count on the fact that people dislike being entrenched in conflict. They are hungry for healing. When offered an attentive ear and a safe space, most individuals open up. They speak honestly and learn to listen responsively to one another’s point of view. They hear and are surprised by one another’s pain. People feel relief because they feel heard and have gained a new perspective on an old story. The process reduces bitter feelings and helps repair relationships. 

That is my experience most of the time. People are willing to change the lens through which they view their conflict, and to see matters from a new point of view.  

I am often moved by moments of beauty in these conversations, by a sudden breakthrough that enables one person to see the other in a new light. Moments like that explain why I love the work. There are also slower transformations that gradually cause one family member to appreciate the hidden motivations of another, and thereby rebuild empathy and respect.  

When the opposite occurs, it can be disappointing. I’ve never seen a case when dislike or distrust is greater at the end of the process than it was at the beginning. But sometimes one party or both are unwilling to consider the situation in a new light. This might happen because a person doesn’t get that mediation doesn’t work like court. It doesn’t investigate fact scenarios, doesn’t seek “objective truth” or try to judge whose story is most truthful.  Disputes over facts aren’t the focus of our discussions. The goal is to rebuild a respectful relationship, and we do that by focusing on practical, soloution-oriented questions. “What behaviours do we need to agree on for things to be better in the future?” 

The idea of “shifting the lens” to see the conflict in a new way is asking a lot.  Change is always frightening and never easy. It requires significant courage and humility to consider conscious, willing change. In the short run it may appear safer to insist that their own version of truth is the whole truth, to stay secure in the story as they have told it. But those who remain unwilling to look through a new lens, who try to play it safe, are sadly not the most successful at resolving their conflict. 

My heart goes out to those people. I respect their wishes, their timing, their goals. It’s not for me to say if, or how, or when they should change. But I can’t help wishing I had a way to encourage them to consider shifting their approach. I keep looking for ways to help family members view themselves and others through a new lens. 

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

The Modern Divorce Team

The cost of an uncontested, out-of-court Separation Agreement is normally unpredictable. Fees routinely range to well beyond $15,000 per person. Our expert team of four collaborative experts has just introduced flat-rate divorce packages ranging from $4,775 to $9700 per person. Moreover, clients who qualify won’t need to pay a penny until the process is over.

The Modern Divorce Team provides a mediator, a financial expert and two lawyers, one who will represent the interests of each spouse. This is all the expertise you need in one place – for much less time and money than the standard divorce solution. We created this option to ease the stress of our clients, who are often grieving the loss of their family dream, fearing an uncertain future for themselves and their children, and feeling very alone.

We help couples reach a legally binding settlement within 6 to 10 months, or less. For clients who qualify, payment can be deferred until the case is settled. This can also include financing the rental of separate living quarters, if needed, while your agreement is being negotiated.

We offer 3 packages:

• The Family Package- $19,400 per couple or $9,700 per person + HST*

• The Couples Package- $14,650 per couple or $7,325 per person + HST*

• The Starter Package- $9,550 per couple or $4,775 per person + HST* (no children, less complex financials)

* We reserve the right to change current pricing.

We can also customize a plan for specific needs, such as owning a business, in addition to offering deferred payment for those who need the extra “wiggle room”.

All of our packages involve a co-ordinated team of 4 divorce specialists:

Two neutrals:

• Mike MacConnell, accredited family mediator, your point person, who handles all negotiations. www.reflectivemediation.ca

and

• Eva Sachs, divorce financial expert, who gathers and completes joint financial disclosure. www.evasachs.com

Plus two lawyers:

• Anna-Marie Musson, collaborative family lawyer, representing and supporting one spouse. www.mlawgroup.ca

and

• Ryan Osbourne, collaborative family lawyer, representing and supporting the other spouse. www.osbournecollaborativelaw.com.

Even if you avoid going to court, which is notoriously lengthy and expensive, there are risks to traditional Out-of-Court settlements.

These include:

· If you do it yourself, you will almost certainly lack the full financial disclosures and legal expertise that are required to provide you with full protection;

· Family lawyers charge by the hour, and are trained in an adversarial system. Expenses mount unexpectedly when they quarrel and charge for each interaction;

· The time frame is unpredictable when you hire lawyers or, a mediator, who do not communicate regularly with one another or interact smoothly;

· Family lawyers are not financial specialists. You risk a settlement that doesn’t have the expertise to accurately determine support obligations and equalization of assets.

We are committed to avoiding the tensions that can arise between lawyer and client when the total service costs are open ended. Many lawyers will need their retainers topped up several times during the course of finalizing a divorce. Clients are usually okay with this once or maybe twice, but as the costs escalate over time there can be a loss of goodwill in the relationship

We want to ensure our relationship is pure, secure and transparent at all times

With The Modern Divorce Team as guides, clients are the decision-makers. You come away with the full protection of an expertly crafted Separation Agreement that has been customized to meet the unique needs of your family, now and for the future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

The Role of the Mediator in Family Disputes

Mediation has recently become a popular way to settle cases of separation and divorce. Unlike a lawyer, who is trained to take the side of one client and give advice, a mediator is asked to be “in the middle” of those in dispute. Mediators facilitate conversations that ensure you negotiate respectfully with one another. You reconcile your differences by constructing an agreement acceptable to both parties, without the mediator taking sides or imposing any binding decisions.

There are some real advantages to this way of resolving disputes:

·       It is less stressful than a court trial

·       It’s less expensive and is over more quickly

·       A judge doesn’t make the final decision. Parties in dispute work it out together

·       The process is confidential, whereas court trials are on the public record

·       Because mediation requires respectful communication and mutual decision-making, it tends to improve communication between divorcing parents. This has future benefits when you are co-parenting.

Family mediation has applications far beyond separation and divorce, such as parent-child or sibling disputes. Only some marriages come to an end, but nearly all families experience conflict and tension at some time or other. Many families could improve relationships and avoid future breakdown if they brought in an impartial third party to facilitate respectful, open conversation.  

Disputes also arise in workplace and commercial settings, but at the end of the day you can go home and get on with your life. Not so with family disputes. You can’t change your blood relations. Family conflict impacts the most important relationships in your life, your core identity and deepest values.

Differences between people are natural and inevitable. The problem isn’t that differences exist. The problem is that we communicate poorly and avoid issues until they grow out of control. People may react with frigid silences, explosions of fury or suppressed emotions that affect their health. Well managed communication can prevent those misunderstandings and heal those wounds.

Facilitated conversations are not easy, nor are they guaranteed, even with the help of a mediator. To provide a safe space, mediators need to screen clients to ensure willingness and ability to negotiate in good faith. By that, I mean a readiness to accept the legitimacy of the other person’s point of view and a willingness to collaborate on reaching terms of agreement that meet the needs of both sides, not just your own.

Private coaching is often offered in advance of joint sessions to cultivate non-adversarial skills. In the heat of conflict, you are likely to discredit the other person. You imagine they are less worthy, that their motives are less noble than your own. When you are hurt, you may want to defeat and punish those who hurt you. These are natural reactions, but Mediation requires a calmer frame of mind. This process asks you to put aside the impulse to win and instead to seek what is fair.

This often amounts to mediating first within yourself. Check in to calm yourself down and challenge the impulse to label and judge the other person. The truth is you probably don’t understand them. This is family. There is love here, or at least there once was. Your goal is to cultivate your relationship so each of you thrives and love returns. Instead of judging and blaming yourself or the other person, mediation asks you to listen deeply to understand their unmet needs and thwarted wishes. Only then will they be open to understanding the needs and wishes that matter to you.

The presence of an impartial third party is helpful to keep the temperature of the room calm, to stay focused on one topic at a time and to slow the back-and-forth flow so that each person feels fully heard before moving to the next speaker.

Solutions are built on a foundation of understanding. Once you have listened deeply to one another, you will not find it difficult to reach agreement on how you each want to behave in the future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

3 Steps to Befriending Stress

In last month’s blog on Kelly McGonigal’s bestseller The Upside of Stress I summarized her argument that, contrary to popular belief, stress can be healthy, if we shift our relationship to it.

She isn’t suggesting that stress is always good for us. On the contrary, she points out that humans (and all social mammals) are capable of exhibiting a hardwired “defeat response” to extreme stress, typified by loss of appetite, depression and even suicide.  Stressors are particularly harmful when an individual feels trapped, depleted and isolated from others.  

Yet the same stress that harms you can become a catalyst for growth. McGonigal offers three practical, evidence-based strategies for converting unwanted stress into “post traumatic growth”. The hardiness to benefit from adversity appears to come naturally to some people. For those of us who lack that gift, it’s encouraging to know resilience can be learned.

We met Bridget in a previous blog, a single mother suffering from the stress of working at home while homeschooling her children through the pandemic. Let’s apply McGonigal’s three suggestions to see how Bridget’s stressful challenges could help her become stronger.

Step One: Tend and Befriend

The fight-or-flight stress response makes us want to withdraw from others. One way to build resilience is to cultivate a “tend and befriend” mindset, resisting the impulse to self-isolate and instead connecting and inquiring into the welfare of others and offering them help. When we engage with others, increasing our awareness of their pain and focusing on bigger-than-self goals, our biochemistry has been shown to shift. Studies have regularly shown that social contact activates the body’s production of oxytocin (the body’s “cuddle drug”, an enhancer of sociability) dopamine (a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and vitality) and serotonin (which stabilizes mood, counteracting depression, anxiety and agitation).

Bridget decides to try to overcome her loneliness by organizing a Zoom mothers’ group in the evening after her kids have gone to bed. The moms share best practices for keeping kids meaningfully occupied and exchange easy recipes. Exhausted, they share stories of running on empty, yet often end by telling Bridget how helpful the circle has been for them.

Step Two: Express Your Stress

Many of us have bury our pain and hide it from others. McGonigal presents research showings that it is more healthy to be open about your struggles, sharing your story in all its distress with interested others. We need to be selective, sharing at appropriate times with those who genuinely care. The effort to articulate your struggles provides an outlet that not only helps build connection, it helps you to see your stressors from a different angle, perhaps drawing out helpful perspectives and insights from family and friends.

Bridget becomes close friends with June, with one of the mothers from the Zoom group. They meet online or exchange phone calls once, sometimes twice a week to unload. It isn’t all complaining. Listening to one another’s struggles they realize how much they have in common, laughing at things the children have said and joking at times that their emotional survival skills could fill a self-help manual.

Step Three: Find Restorative Stories

Narratives that reaffirm the possibility of resilience have been shown to improve the ability to recover from stress. We can select these kinds of stories not only by limiting our consumption of toxic media, but by seeking out stories (true and fictional) that portray redemptive struggles. In our personal lives we can pay closer attention to the resourcefulness we hear in the stories told by family and friends, even as we attend to their pain. Also, let’s not overlook evidence of emotional strength and success that is present in the memories from our  past.

The calls with June have taken on a new tone. Bridget has joined the IVOH (Images and Voices Of Hope) Facebook group and found other self-help websites with tips for helping her friend. She listens now for evidence of June’s resilience, and points out examples of qualities that have made June such a gifted parent. The new tone of the conversation helps them both feel stronger, with June often returning the favour.

Directing her attention toward realistic, positive thoughts has become an uplifting practice, with connection to nature as the way to get there.  She takes brisk walks in the park, breathing deeply and observing nature, experiencing each time a positive change in her mood and perspective. She almost feels like thanking her stress for the motivation to get outside.

Stress hasn’t ended for Bridget, but thanks to a shift in her mindset, stress has shifted its meaning. Would she prefer the stress and the pandemic to end? Of course, she would. In the meantime, by changing her relationship to stress she has come to feel less helpless, less lonely, more enthusiastic and empowered.

 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Learning to Look On The Bright Side

Last month’s blog looked at “learned helplessness”, a kind of paralysis which can take over a person’s life in response to overwhelming stress.  Martin Seligman, the researcher who first named the condition noted its association with pessimism along with a high risk for PTSD and depression.

He used 3 Ps to explain why people give up after being knocked about by life. They come to believe:

1.     Adversity will always occur (is Permanent);

2.     It will occur in all areas of life (is Pervasive) and

3.     They are powerless to change it (is Personal).

This month, the good news. Martin Seligman, who coined the term “learned helplessness” also came up with the concept of “learned optimism”.

Really? Can optimism be learned?

Most mothers will tell you their children were born with either a cheery or fragile disposition. To some extent those traits are hardwired. Yet despite inborn temperament, the evidence is conclusive. Humans have the capacity, with effort, to adjust their disposition and enhance their own well-being. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism

Seligman’s model presents a 5-step ABCDE sequence. Here’s how it might work in the case of Bridget, who I introduced last month. A single parent, she was overwhelmed with having to work, manage the house and monitor her children’s schooling in a pandemic

1.     Adversity: she’s feeling stuck and overwhelmed, yet hasn’t reached out to her mother or best friend.

2.     Belief: she predicts her mother and best friend will give unwanted advice and react impatiently to her complaints. She fears they don’t really care about her.

3.     Consequence: the result of these negative beliefs is that she remains isolated, unheard and lonely and feels powerless to help herself.

Steps A, B & C present the dilemma. Points D & E outline what Bridget can do to overcome her feeling of helplessness.

4.     Dispute: She challenges her assumptions, asking herself how certain she can be that they’ll respond the way she fears. She brings to times her mother and friend were attentive and helpful. She realizes she can’t really know how they will respond if she calls.

5.     Energization: she begins to feel hopeful, that it may be worth reaching out. She notices that she’s still nervous. She’s vulnerable. It will take courage to phone – to share her pain and uncertainty. Only one way to find out - she picks up the phone.

The goal isn’t a quick fix, but to help empower Bridget to think about the situation differently. She can more energetically assess her options and thereby act to improve her mental health.

In his bestselling book Learned Optimism, Seligman suggests that people suffering from learned helplessness pay attention to the underlying thoughts that influence their emotions and behaviours and actively challenge their own hasty conclusions. His technique is a variation of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

Seligman is NOT claiming we should always be optimistic. He recommends Balanced optimism, deciding NOT to choose an optimistic prediction if the risk of being wrong would be catastrophic. For example, Bridget might consider quitting her job on the optimistic prediction of winning the lottery. If the prediction is wrong, she could end up homeless, so optimism wouldn’t be wise. With respect to calling her mother or friend, however, the risk of being wrong would be no greater than a difficult conversation. It therefore makes sense to make the call.

Next month’s blog looks at “The Upside of Stress” by Kelly McGonigal. Her research concludes that meaning and purpose are enhanced by changing your relationship to stress – by choosing to make discomfort meaningful rather than trying to avoid it – and provides tips on how doing so can empower you to be strengthened and enriched by stress. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

When Misfortune Leaves You Paralyzed: The Dilemma of “Learned Helplessness”

Bridget is a single mother, suffering in the midst of the pandemic. She feels overwhelmed by the weight of homeschooling her children while working from home at half her former wages. In addition to the necessities of shopping, cooking, cleaning and caregiving, she can’t stop thinking of how she dropped out of college, about the great job she lost, and how her marriage fell apart. After a sleepless night, her life seems to her like a litany of failures with no way out of the gloom. She worries she’s reached the breaking point, yet can’t muster the motivation to call her mother or best friend for support. She imagines they’re tired of her complaints and will just offer unwanted advice. She emails her ex to pick up the kids and crawls back under the covers, trapped and alone.

Many of us have felt something akin to Bridget’s emotional paralysis. You may have experienced a sense of futility that temporarily sapped your motivation. Often it resolves on its own. However, for some, “learned helplessness” becomes a permanent frame of mind, often associated with PTSD and clinical depression. People stuck in a situation, unable to change tracks.

The Oxford dictionary defines “learned helplessness” as “a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed and becomes unable or unwilling to avoid subsequent encounters, even if they are escapable”. The term was coined by Martin Seligman in 1967 after observing the behavior of dogs who lacked the initiative to escape following repeated exposure to electrical shock, despite being offered the opportunity.

Some of my clients express feeling this way in their family or work life. These are intelligent, well-intentioned individuals who may have felt overwhelmed by divorce, health issues, job-loss or stress at work. They are unable to visualize steps to improve their situation. There is no issue of blame here. Given a world in which external forces impose relentless, unwanted pressures beyond their control, the temptation to believe their situation to be hopeless is entirely understandable. But the sense of hopelessness mires them deeper. It blinds them from seeing the one thing they can control, which is their response.

“Learned optimism” is the answer, and Seligman has emerged as a world expert in the field. Along with other positive psychologists such as Kelly McGonigal, (see her TED talk and book: The Upside of Stress) a powerful movement has emerged making a convincing case that learned helplessness can be overcome, and that an attitude of balanced, realistic optimism can, with effort, be acquired.

Bridget may not be able to transform the circumstances that gave rise to her distress, but she can energize and transform her response.  By challenging her automatic thoughts, by expressing her needs in honest, vulnerable conversations and by connecting with others she can shift the lens through which she sees herself and her world.

In next month’s blog I’ll present a more detailed description of practical steps to overcome learned helplessness, and not only to survive, but to grow stronger in response to unwanted stress.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

7 Steps To Agree Despite Uncertainty

In October 2014, when the CBC fired radio host Jian Ghomeshi for allegations of sexual misconduct, I noticed how quickly and strongly many people reacted to the news.  They were outraged.   “How dare a public corporation invade the private life of an employee.”

Those certainties evaporated shortly after when a number of women came forward and spoke of the violence they experienced at his hands.  Public opinion then swung just as quickly to the opposite certainty: he must be guilty. 

He likely is guilty, given the number of women who have spoken out.  I’m not arguing one side or the other, just observing how quickly people claim certainty. 

You can see similar patterns in other public scandals, such as Mike Duffy and the Canadian Senate seeming to be victims one day, culprits the next.  On a broader historical scale, unfounded certainties have obstructed the search for truth and justice from Galileo and the rise of science to the woman’s movement and civil rights.  As a society, and as individuals, we tend to cling to the comfort of certainty, often without bothering to examine the evidence.

If you reflect you will likely see the same pattern much closer to home.  As a mediator, trained to help people resolve interpersonal disputes, I notice that at some point in most conflicts the path to resolution is blocked by an unfounded certainty.  Consider the last interpersonal conflict you had.  Did the other party have a mistaken belief about your actions, intentions, or motives?  Or did you about theirs?  If the conflict got resolved, it’s likely because someone bothered to clear up enough of the misunderstanding to make room for trust.

I’m referring to honest conflicts, when both sides genuinely believe they are right.  In other words, most disputes.

In those situations, the story you tell yourself to justify your own position is probably fine.  After all, you know your own viewpoint.

Danger lies in the story you tell yourself about the other person’s motives.    You might think you know.  But you really don’t.   Once your interpretation becomes a conviction, you are half way toward demonizing your opponent.

Here are 7 steps to get you past unfounded certainties and help you reach agreement.

1.      Challenge your convictions.  Identify which ones are assumptions, not facts.

2.      Avoid assuming your opponent’s motives are less worthy than yours.  It’s healthier and more honest to adopt a neutral, open stance.

3.      Inquire.  Ask your opponent direct, open-ended questions about his or her actions, feelings, motives, goals.  

4.      Listen without challenging, contradicting or defending yourself.  (You’ll get your turn)

5.      Show them you understand their point of view.  (This doesn’t mean you share it, just that you “get” it)

6.      Express your truth calmly, taking responsibility for your actions without casting blame.

7.      Identify common interests and shared goals.

Now you are both ready to begin brainstorming for solutions based on understanding, not assumptions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.