"Focus on the Blue Sky" – A Simple Guide to Conflict Resolution

November 27, 2024 Mike MacConnell

There’s a common saying in conflict resolution that goes, “Focus on the solution, not the problem.” When it comes to personal relationships, the goal – the solution -- is connection. Focusing on that “blue sky” can turn difficult conversations into collaborative exchanges.

When conflict arises, it’s easy to get pulled into the mindset of blaming or “getting even.” It’s an understandable impulse, but it rarely helps us achieve what actually matters.

As a family mediator this comes up often in conversations about separation and divorce, and my job. is to reframe the blame game. The skilful question couples need to be asking is not “whose fault is this?”, rather “how can we raise healthy children from two separate households?

The strategy, in essence, is to reach agreement on the steps you want to take to get where you want to go. In the case of divorce, those steps get recorded as the terms of a legally binding agreement. In most day-to-day situations, the outcome is more likely to be a less formal, oral agreement along the lines of “from now on, when I feel hurt by something I’ve heard, I’m going to inquire first to be clear about what you meant, before I react.” The key is to communicate where we want to go, and reach agreement the positive behaviours we think will get us there,

This approach allows for the possibility of changing old patterns and growing together rather than drifting apart.

So, the next time you’re in a tricky conversation, take a breath and ask yourself: What am I aiming for here? And what can I do now to move in that direction? A focus on the blue sky may just be your best bet on finding an effective way forward.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

The Great Divide: Financial Negotiations in Divorce, Precision vs. Peace

October 30, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Divorce is full of tough financial decisions, but one of the hardest is whether to aim for a solution that’s quick and simple or to focus on dividing assets with precision. For legal reasons, it can often be complicated to determine exactly what each person owns and owes or is owed. Precision would be preferred. But as a mediator, I've seen firsthand that insisting on an exact dollar figure can often come at the cost of time, money and a co-parenting relationship.

Lawyers favor the precise route—it prefers a clear, objective dollar figure that can stand up to scrutiny years down the line. But there are always grey areas in law, for example where the paper trail is lacking to support a claim, or perhaps a dispute about whether the wedding gift from your parents was to you alone or to both of you. Spousal support obligations are provided in a range of options, never in a precise amount or duration, and are thus always open to competing legal interpretations. And precision may cost more than it’s worth in legal fees, and in the emotional cost of an extended conflict that can be upsetting to adults, not to mention children caught in the crossfire.

One way to avoid this common pitfall is to consider rounding off the numbers and encouraging both sides to let go of some entitlements for the sake of reaching an agreement. In my experience, a gesture of generosity from one party usually inspires a similar gesture from the other side. In my book, The Yoga of Divorce, I describe how my ex and I simplified our divorce by trading off entitlements. We agreed that I wouldn’t go after my entitlement to half of the equity in her business if she didn’t seek a spousal support entitlement . Bingo. It is the opposite of the escalation cycle that happens when parties trade threats.

Family law in Canada is a no-fault process. The law doesn’t normally assign a monetary value to hurt feelings. But perhaps you do. What feels fair, however, never looks the same from both sides. Planting your financial flag on a moral or emotional argument, such as infidelity, or weak parenting skills, almost always hardens the position of both parties and drags out the process.

As a family mediator, my role isn’t to tell clients what their priorities should be, just to help them understand one another’s priorities, and find a solution that maximizes both. The amount I charge is reduced and future parenting runs more smoothly when clients step back from demanding every possible entitlement, and seek a midpoint they both can live with.

But it’s not my call and a mediator doesn’t impose a settlement. Ultimately, the "great divide" comes down to understanding what really matters to you. Is it more important to achieve the maximum amount? Or would you prefer to move on quickly and affordably, even if it means mutually relenting on some claims? There is no right or wrong answer here. The key is to know yourself and your priorities.

If you know that having everything precisely calculated according to law will help you sleep at night, then that’s the path to take. In that case, I recommend hiring a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) to crunch the numbers, since neutral, which reduces expensive conflict. If an amicable resolution is more important for both of you, we can work together towards that goal. Unlike court, where the judge decides, mediation puts you in charge of the final terms of settlement. By being clear on what matters most, we can tailor the mediation process to help get you there, provided both parties share a low-conflict approach and civilized conversation as the route to resolution.

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Don’t Fear the Narcissist When Mediating Your Divorce How Mediation Beats the Sociopath at Their Own Game

September 25, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Navigating a separation or divorce can be a daunting journey, particularly when you believe that your spouse exhibits traits of a “sociopathic narcissist.” The idea of engaging in mediation might seem counterintuitive, especially if you worry that your spouse’s personality could undermine the process. There are compelling reasons to embrace mediation despite these concerns, as I have observed many times in my practice.

Clients who display narcissistic or sociopathic traits often perform surprisingly well in my experience, because they are highly motivated by appearances and validation. They may be charming and agreeable, making them more cooperative during our sessions. This desire to look good actually works to your advantage. Narcissists and sociopaths are prone to making grand promises or concessions to appear accommodating. The process effectively checkmates them, since their promises become enforceable once the agreement is signed.

If you are worried that your ex presents with these traits, it’s important to understand that mediation is not about judging the character of either party. Divorce is a no-fault process focused on practical outcomes rather than personal fault. It does not delve into who was right or wrong, nor does it pass judgment on who was a better spouse or parent. Anyone’s effort to “put on the charm” can have no practical benefit since the mediator isn’t making any judgements. Nor do they make decisions, only the clients do. Mediators are trained neutrals who understand that their role is to facilitate balanced conversations that lead to a workable agreement for the future, not to pass judgement on the past. We aren’t diagnosing personal character traits. We won’t even discuss them. That’s for therapy, not for the creation of a binding agreement.

Financial disclosure is a different matter. We can’t measure personality traits, but we can and MUST measure assets so they can be equally divided. You don’t need to trust your ex’s character, but you will need to trust their disclosures. Trust-based disclosures won’t be sufficient when you suspect your partner to be a sociopath or narcissist. You are going to need accurate evidence, calculated by a financial neutral. In such situations I strongly encourage clients to hire a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) to construct an evidence-based profile of who owns what. The specialist determines the objective numbers, lawyers advise on your legal rights, then I step in to help yo decide how to divide it.

As a mediator, my job is to guide clients through a future oriented process focusing on what each party needs moving forward. That includes decisions regarding parenting responsibilities, financial support and division of assets. I’m not there to agree with your assessment or to refute it, rather to guide you in shifting your focus from judgement to solution.

In conclusion, while the prospect of mediation with a spouse who exhibits narcissistic or sociopathic traits may seem intimidating, it’s important to remember that mediation is designed to handle such challenges effectively. My role is to guide you and your ex toward a resolution that prioritizes future arrangements over past conflicts, an outcome you’ve agreed to rather than one imposed on you by a judge.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Don’t Fear the Narcissist When Mediating Your Divorce How Mediation Beats the Sociopath at Their Own Game

September 25, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Mediators are trained neutrals who understand that their role is to facilitate balanced conversations that lead to a workable agreement for the future, not to pass judgement on the past. We aren’t diagnose personal character traits. We won’t even discuss them. That’s for therapy, not for the creation of a binding agreement. Our time together is centered on practical issues regarding future arrangements, leaving personal assessments and psychological evaluations out of the equation.

As a mediator, my job is to guide clients through a future oriented process focusing on what each party needs moving forward. Delving into past grievances or character flaws is rarely relevant. This means that any concerns you have about your spouse’s personality or behavior won’t influence the mediator. I’m not there to agree with your assessment or to refute it, rather to change the topic, guiding you both to shift your focus from judgement to solutions.

In conclusion, while the prospect of mediation with a spouse who exhibits narcissistic or sociopathic traits may seem intimidating, it’s important to remember that mediation’s structure and focus are designed to handle such challenges effectively. My role as mediator is to guide you and your ex toward a resolution that prioritizes future arrangements over past conflicts. Embracing mediation could ultimately lead to a more structured and enforceable outcome, allowing you to move forward with greater clarity and peace of mind.

From Disputes to Dialogue How Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Transforms Conflict into Connection

August 28, 2024 Mike MacConnell

In a world where conflicts seem to escalate more rapidly than resolutions, Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) stands out as a beacon of hope and clarity. NVC has provided the core principles and practice I employ in my family facilitation work at Reflective Mediation.

Rosenberg, a pioneering psychologist, developed NVC as a revolutionary approach to communication that has profoundly impacted both personal relationships and professional mediation. His contributions are deserving of greater recognition for their role in reducing human conflict and enhancing our understanding of effective communication.

At its core, Nonviolent Communication is about fostering empathy and compassion in our interactions. Rosenberg’s framework, outlined in his seminal book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, revolves around four key components: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests (OFNR). This simple yet profound structure guides individuals in expressing themselves honestly and listening with empathy.

Observations involve stating facts without adding judgment or interpretation. For example, rather than saying, “You never listen to me,” NVC encourages a more objective observation: “When you don’t look at me while I’m speaking, I feel ignored.” This separation of observation from evaluation is crucial because it prevents defensive reactions and fosters clearer, more constructive conversations.

Feelings are the emotional responses we experience in relation to our observations. NVC emphasizes identifying and articulating these feelings without blame. For instance, instead of saying, “I’m upset because you’re always late,” a more NVC-aligned approach would be, “I feel frustrated when you arrive late because I need reliability.”

Needs are the underlying values and desires that drive our feelings. By connecting our feelings to unmet needs, we can communicate more effectively and find mutually satisfying solutions. Rosenberg’s method encourages us to explore what needs are behind our emotions, rather than attributing them to others' actions.

Requests are specific actions that could help meet our needs. In NVC, requests are framed positively and concretely to increase the likelihood of a positive response. For example, rather than demanding, “You must be on time,” a request might be, “Could you please make an effort to arrive on time so I feel valued?”

Rosenberg’s approach also highlights the importance of empathy, both in expressing and receiving communication. Empathic listening involves fully understanding another’s feelings and needs without judgment or interruption. This empathetic connection not only diffuses conflicts but also builds deeper, more meaningful relationships.

The impact of NVC extends beyond personal interactions to professional settings, including conflict resolution and mediation. By focusing on understanding and addressing the underlying needs of all parties involved, NVC provides a framework for resolving disputes constructively and compassionately.

Marshall Rosenberg’s work deserves recognition as one of the most significant contributions to modern psychology and communication. His approach has transformed how people engage in dialogue, offering tools that enhance human connection and reduce conflict. The principles of NVC are applicable in diverse contexts—from intimate relationships to organizational environments—and they offer a path toward a more empathetic and harmonious world.

In summary, Nonviolent Communication is not just a method; it’s a movement that fosters authentic connections through empathy and understanding. Rosenberg’s legacy lives on through the countless individuals and organizations that have embraced NVC to build more compassionate and effective communication practices. By integrating NVC into our lives, we not only enhance our interactions but also contribute to a broader culture of respect and collaboration.

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Behind Closed Doors: The Confidentiality Advantage of Family Mediation

July 31, 2024 Mike MacConnell

When it comes to navigating the often turbulent waters of divorce, many couples are increasingly turning to private family mediation as a beacon of hope. Unlike courtroom battles where every detail is etched into the public record, mediation offers a haven of privacy and confidentiality that can make a world of difference during such a sensitive time.

Imagine this scenario: Sarah and John have decided to part ways after fifteen years of marriage. Amidst the emotional strain and logistical challenges, they are faced with the daunting task of dividing assets and determining custody of their two children. In their search for a resolution that minimizes conflict and preserves their dignity, they opt for family mediation.

In a private mediation session, Sarah and John, guided by a trained mediator, can openly discuss their concerns and preferences without fear of public exposure. They can delve into intimate details about their children’s needs, financial disclosures, and personal grievances in a safe and confidential environment. This level of confidentiality allows them to explore creative solutions that are tailored to their unique family dynamics without the pressure of a public courtroom.

Contrast this with a court proceeding where every argument, accusation, and financial detail becomes a matter of permanent public record. Sarah and John might find themselves embroiled in a legal spectacle where their private lives are scrutinized by lawyers, judges, and potentially the media. This exposure not only heightens stress but can also strain already fragile relationships, making it harder to co-parent effectively in the future.

Moreover, the permanence of court records means that personal and financial disclosures made during the proceedings could potentially be accessed by anyone in the future. This lack of confidentiality can have long-term implications for both individuals, affecting everything from future job prospects to personal relationships.

Privacy and confidentiality are not mere luxuries in such situations; they are essential pillars upon which effective mediation thrives. By safeguarding sensitive information, mediation empowers couples like Sarah and John to maintain control over their own narrative and make decisions that prioritize their family’s well-being. It fosters an atmosphere of trust and cooperation, paving the way for mutual understanding and sustainable agreements.

Beyond the immediate benefits, the confidential nature of mediation encourages open communication and compromise. Couples are more likely to engage in honest dialogue and explore creative solutions that might not be feasible in a courtroom setting dominated by adversarial tactics.

In essence, the choice between family mediation and court proceedings is not just about legal outcomes but also about preserving dignity, minimizing emotional turmoil, and safeguarding future relationships. It’s about recognizing that while divorce signifies an end to a marital union, it doesn’t have to signal the demise of mutual respect and confidentiality, nor when children are involved does it terminate the fact that you are a family.

As society evolves, so too should our approach to resolving personal disputes. Family mediation represents a progressive step towards a more humane and compassionate legal system—one that acknowledges the value of privacy in an increasingly interconnected world.

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Don't Wait Until It's Too Late: The Power of Early Relationship Repair

May 29, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Consider this scenario: a couple seeks mediation, their once-shared dreams now eclipsed by disagreements and misunderstandings. It's a familiar narrative, one that underscores the significance of timely intervention.

Communication, I've found, is the cornerstone of relational harmony. Yet, it's an art that requires cultivation and refinement. Take the common dilemma of divergent needs when, for example, one person says "I need space" while the other is asking "Why won't you talk with me?" One person wants to decompress in silence, while the other is itching for a heart-to-heart. Cue the misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and before you know it, you're sleeping in separate postal codes.

However, beneath the differences and the judgements that follow from them, there lies a profound truth: both perspectives are valid, deserving of acknowledgment and understanding. It's the way these needs are articulated and received that determines the outcome. Through effective communication strategies, couples can navigate these differences with grace and empathy.

The skills are not abstract or complicated, requiring only that your primary commitment is to connect. From this perspective, listening becomes more than a passive act—it evolves into an empathetic exchange, fostering mutual respect and validation. The key is curiosity – and the technique involves summarizing what you’ve heard the person say, being sure you fully understand what matters to them before offering any correction.

Likewise, when raising a concern, the key is to focus on the underlying value that matters to you, without focusing on the faults of the other. For example, instead of: “It is rude and unfair that you’re always interrupting me” you might say “You’ve just interrupted me. That’s hurtful, because I want our conversations to be balanced and respectful.” This can transform a tense moment into an opportunity for constructive dialogue, where vulnerability is met with compassion. What might begin as conscious uncoupling can shift into relationship repair.

In the realm of family mediation and co

mmunication coaching, I often find myself at the crossroads of love and conflict, witnessing the intricate dynamics that shape relationships. That’s why I offer communication coaching services. Through my experiences, I've come to appreciate the pivotal role of proactive communication in fostering healthy connections.

As a neutral, my role extends beyond conflict resolution or the construction of a Separation Agreement. When they wait too long, until after the love has died, then yes, it’s about negotiating a legal contract. But even then, in cases when children are involved, the work is about equipping couples with communication tools so they can become effective co-parents raising healthy kids from separate households. If they had started this work earlier however, they could have done it within the same household and without splitting their assets in half.

The message is not admonition but empowerment. Relationship repair, I firmly believe, is not only attainable but transformative. It necessitates dedication and effort, yet its rewards are immeasurable—a renewed sense of connection, strengthened by mutual understanding and growth. By fostering an environment of open dialogue and empathy, couples can mitigate conflicts before they escalate, laying the groundwork for enduring harmony.

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Mediation Works, Even When You Hate Each Other (The Best Revenge is Saying Goodbye)

March 27, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Are you dreading the drama that comes with divorce? Well, there’s an alternative to airing all your dirty laundry in court or pursuing an equally costly lawyer-led process. It’s called family mediation.

When you're going through a separation or divorce, the last thing you need is to spend your money and your days locked in a bitter feud with your ex. But all too often, that's exactly what happens. You're grieving, hurt, and likely furious at each other. It's understandable; after all, emotions run high during breakups.

But here's the thing, you still have something in common, your desire to save money and protect your children. Dislike doesn’t have to mean duking it out in court. Family mediation offers a non-adversarial process, a breath of fresh air that’s particularly helpful when things feel toxic. A mediator can help facilitate agreement on parenting and financial matters, even when parties are miles apart.

You're likely thinking. "But we hate each other! How on earth are we supposed to come to an agreement?" Well, here’s a surprising secret: hate isn't a deal breaker. Not even close.

Only good faith really matters.

Good faith means you're willing to put aside your animosity to work towards a solution. It means being honest about your finances, keeping the personal attacks at bay, and focusing on finding a resolution that works for you both, and your children.

You don't have to be friendly to make it work. In fact, with the guidance of an experienced mediator, couples who can't stand each other, can come to a successful solution in part because they’re super motivated to make a deal that earn s them their freedom faster.

Take Sarah and Paul, for example. They were locked in a bitter battle over their parenting schedule. She couldn't stand Paul after his infidelity, and he was furious that she frequently criticized him in public. Once they realized their kids were getting caught in the crossfire, they knew something had to change.

They decided to give mediation a shot. With the help of a skilled mediator, they worked around their differences to focus on their children. They came up with a custody arrangement that allowed both to spend quality time parenting, thereby bypassing the courtroom battle and getting the freedom they needed on their own terms, not those of a judge.

Now, don't get me wrong. It isn't easy. It takes restraint and a whole lot of patience, plus the willingness to accept a deal you can live with despite not getting everything you want.

But ask yourself this: what do you want more, the freedom that comes from a signed agreement, or the years-long drama of trying to get even with your ex? If you're ready to put the past behind you and move forward with your life, then mediation might just offer the answer you're looking for.

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What Can and Can’t Be Mediated Agree on Behaviours; Accept the Differences in Feelings and Values

February 28, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Mediation brings the glimmer of hope you seek in separation and divorce. It is cost-effective and empowering. It promises a collaborative approach to reaching settlement agreements, with a particular focus on financial and parenting arrangements. Yet, as you consider engaging in this process, it's vital to be fully informed about the limits of what can and can not be mediated.

Financial and parenting discussions thrive in the structured environment of mediation, offering a pathway for couples to actively shape their post-divorce lives. Co-parenting schedules and financial equalization become the tangible pillars around which negotiation revolves.

However, within this structured landscape, there exists a realm that mediation cannot address – the realm of personal values, religious or political beliefs, and the intricate fabric of psychological states and emotions. These human features, deeply entrenched in subjectivity, resist the neat resolution that mediation aims to provide.

Consider the intricacies of personal beliefs – the values and convictions that shape our worldview. Family mediation can’t reconcile differences in deeply rooted convictions, such as whether you should appreciate one another or share similar parenting styles. Mediating subjective matters such as those is not our goal. Mediators help clients to accept these personal differences without judgment, recognizing that each of us has a right to our private emotions and beliefs.

For example, in negotiating finances, if one party cares more about an immediate nest egg and the other is more concerned about security in old age, those differences need to be named and accepted, not debated. In a case such as that, assets could be divided by transferring RRSPs and pensions to one party, while shifting liquid assets to the other. Mediation isn’t asking you to change who you are or what matters to you, rather to make arrangements that satisfy as many of each person’s needs as possible.

As a mediator, I help parties establish guidelines around future communication and cooperation that are unique to their situation. By agreeing on specific, observable behaviours, you can find ways to get along despite differences. For example, if one parent is focused on academic achievement and the other cares more about ensuring creative play for the children, they don’t need to dispute which view is superior. The task is to work out a parenting arrangement that provides a balance of both, expressed in terms you can both live with.

Thus, as you navigate the complexities of divorce through family mediation, be aware of the limits and strengths of the process. Recognize that personal beliefs and values can’t be mediated, and seize instead on the opportunity to construct clear agreements on ways to behave that respect your differences. In doing so, you pave the way for a more collaborative coparenting relationship. Because no matter how many things you may continue to disagree about, one thing you will always share is the love of your children. And that’s the motivation that matters most.

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Truth Telling in Divorce Mediation Why Your Ex’s Lying Isn’t the Problem You Think It Is

January 31, 2024 Mike MacConnell

When mediating a separation or divorce, I frequently encounter clients who express skepticism about the effectiveness of mediation due to concerns about dishonesty by their partner. Commonly, individuals worry that their soon-to-be ex-spouse is prone to deception. While these are legitimate fears, it is crucial to understand that the mediation process is not a courtroom drama centered on past grievances. It doesn’t reward or punish based on past behaviour. Instead, it is a forward-focused endeavor, aiming to construct a roadmap for the future.

Mediation, unlike litigation, is not about seeking evidence to build a case, except around financial disclosures. Separation is officially a No Fault procedure. It avoids the pitfalls of determining who was a better parent, spouse or person. The central document produced during mediation, the Separation Agreement or Memorandum of Understanding, is not a narrative of the past but a blueprint for the future. Family law is designed to ensure that, except in extreme situations, each party has equal entitlement to time with their children and equal access to financial assets, steering clear of the blame game.

Liars often strive to present themselves in the best light, making promises they may not intend to keep. Such false promises can backfire tremendously, since the Separation Agreement is a legally binding document, and any deviation from its terms can lead to severe consequences for the party attempting to deceive. For example, imagine a case when one party claims a desire for shared parenting time to reduce their child support obligation, but they have no intention to follow through. If the honest parent keeps track of the times they were asked to fill in for the other parent and can show they have been parenting for more than 60% of the time, they can report the situation to the Family Responsibility Office (FRO), a government body that has authority to order retroactive child support payments, and even to garnishee the wages of the parent who hasn’t followed through on their obligation.

The emotional toll of such false portrayals during mediation isn’t easy to take. But if you can’t trust the other party you can still trust the process. Let the liar lie, for it is they who box themselves into a corner. The Separation Agreement becomes a powerful tool, holding them accountable for their commitments. For both parties the challenge at hand is remaining emotionally untriggered. The mediator’s job, in part, is to discourage conflict around what may have happened in the marriage. It’s not therapy or a forum for judging who is right or wrong.

It is a pragmatic process aimed at fostering cooperation in reaching mutual agreement. The document your are crafting is a roadmap for the future, describing desired behaviors and commitments going forward. I encourage clients to view the Agreement they are creating as a shield against deceit, offering a path forward based on accountability to a legal contract.

Divorce mediation is a powerful tool for those navigating the challenging terrain of separation. By understanding that the process is not about rehashing or agreeing on the past but charting a course for the future, individuals can confidently engage in mediation, knowing that lies have limited power in the face of a legally binding and forward-looking Separation Agreement.

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Peace on Earth: The Power of Learning the Other Person’s Viewpoint

December 27, 2023 Mike MacConnell

In a world where opinions diverge more than ever, the ability to resolve conflicts and bridge differences has never been more crucial. Too often, we find ourselves confined within the echo chambers of our own beliefs, ridiculing the perspectives of those we disagree with. This behavior not only stifles meaningful debate but also perpetuates misunderstandings and heightens conflicts. It’s not hopeless. Things can improve. That begins with dialogue, and dialogue becomes authentic when we take seriously the other side's point of view. Doing so has a transformative impact at a personal and international level.

The Echo Chamber Effect:

In an era dominated by social media and personalized news feeds, it's become all too easy to surround ourselves with like-minded individuals and voices that mirror our own beliefs. This phenomenon, known as the echo chamber effect, has far-reaching implications. It reinforces our existing opinions, makes us more resistant to change, and leaves us blind to the merits of other perspectives and the drawbacks of our own.

The Art of Empathetic Listening:

Conflict resolution begins with empathy, and understanding the other side's point of view is a critical component of empathy. Rather than entirely dismissing your opponents' arguments, those who take the time to truly listen will better appreciate the nuances, strengths, and weaknesses of both positions. This opens the door to constructive dialogue, mutual understanding and collaborative solutions.

Beyond Demonization:

Whether in divorce negotiations, politics, or international relations, the tendency to demonize the other side is a common stumbling block. It is easier to reject and vilify our opponents than to acknowledge their legitimate needs. Demonization deepens divisions and hampers the pursuit of common ground. Instead, we should strive to recognize the legitimate needs expressed by our adversaries and use them as a foundation for constructive dialogue, even when we disagree with the strategies or position they may take.

The Road to Lasting Solutions:

Peaceful co-existence requires respectful communication. When both sides make a genuine effort to understand each other's unmet needs, the groundwork is laid for lasting solutions. This process is not about surrendering one's position but finding common ground to address the concerns of all parties involved. Diplomacy can only be successful when it is rooted in mutual respect and understanding.

The Way Forward:

To create a more harmonious and cooperative world, a first step is studying the other side's point of view. This practice doesn't require us to compromise our beliefs, but rather to expand our perspective and engage in meaningful conversations. It means setting aside preconceived notions, actively listening, and acknowledging that both sides have valid concerns. All sides would rather suffer less. Solutions that address the interests of everyone involved require an understanding of each side’s unmet needs.

The importance of studying the other side's opinion can’t be overstated. It is the key to breaking free from the shackles of echo chambers and fostering a more understanding, empathetic, and peaceful society. In personal relationships, party politics, and international affairs, the power of open, respectful

communication is the path to resolving conflicts and creating a world where diverse viewpoints can coexist harmoniously. Exceptions do exist. Some extremist groups and individuals may not be willing or able to engage in good faith negotiation. Force can be legitimate in the face of terror tactics. But the vast majority of people in every nation would rather have stability, security and peace. Understanding their needs is the only way to work together toward solutions.

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Mediation or Arbitration for My Separation?

November 29, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Mediation and arbitration both offer viable alternatives to traditional court battles in separation negotiations. The choice between them ultimately depends on the specific circumstances of the couple. In my first call with potential clients, I ask them to consider their willingness to cooperate, the complexity of the issues, and financial constraints to decide on the process that’s best for them.

Mediation: The Non-Adversarial Route

Mediation is often hailed as a non-adversarial approach to conflict resolution, because it enables couples to retain control over their divorce negotiations while working with a neutral third party, the mediator. The mediator does not have the authority to make binding decisions but facilitates productive discussions between the parties. This approach has its pros and cons.

Pros of Mediation:

· Control and Collaboration: Mediation empowers couples to take an active role in shaping the outcome. It encourages open communication, negotiation, and finding mutually acceptable solutions, which can be particularly beneficial when children are involved.

· Cost-Effective: Mediation typically costs far less than arbitration. It is based on hourly fees for the mediator's services, making it a more budget-friendly option for most couples.

· Faster Resolution: Mediation often leads to quicker resolutions, as couples can schedule sessions at their convenience and even meet privately between sessions to resolve some issues.

· Preservation of Relationships: Since mediation fosters cooperation rather than confrontation, it can help preserve or even improve the post-divorce relationship, especially important when co-parenting.

· Long Term Compliance: Since parties themselves arrived at the decision, they are more likely t comply with it than in cases where one party is unhappy with the arbitrator’s decision.

· Lawyer Support: Terms agreed upon in mediation, including complex financial issues, can be reviewed by lawyers, who offer advice along the way or at the end, and convert the terms into legally binding Separation Agreement.

Cons of Mediation:

· Lack of Binding Decisions: The mediator's role is limited to facilitating discussions. If either party is unwilling to cooperate or unable to make decisions, there is no certainty that an agreement will be reached.

· Power Imbalance: In cases where one party is more assertive or articulate, the mediator may struggle to balance power dynamics.

Arbitration: The Binding Out-of-Court Alternative

Arbitration offers a different approach. It is an adversarial process where each party presents their case to a neutral arbitrator who renders a final, legally binding decision. It is well-suited for situations where the parties cannot reach a consensus through negotiation or have concerns about a good-faith process.

Pros of Arbitration:

· Binding Decisions: There is certainty in advance that the arbitrator will make a decision, which provides a sense of confidence in the finality of the process.

· Duration: In cases when parties are indecisive or arguing back and forth, arbitration can arrive at a conclusion in a shorter time.

Cons of Arbitration:

· Costly: Arbitration is typically much more expensive than mediation, primarily due to the hourly rates associated with the arbitrator's services.

· Less Control: Couples have less control over the process and the final decision. The arbitrator, not the parties, has the authority to make the call.

· Adversarial Nature: The adversarial process may escalate tensions and hinder amicable post-divorce relationships, which can be particularly detrimental when children are involved.

Pros of Both, Compared with Court

· Privacy: Arbitration and mediation are both entirely private, unlike court results which are on the public record.

· Convenience: Mediation and arbitration are both more convenient when offered in private practice, since sessions can be scheduled to the convenience of all parties

· Duration: Court battles are notoriously lengthy, involving many steps in a system that is often overloaded and backlogged with cases.

Cons of Both, Compared with Court

· Cost: Both mediation and arbitration have hourly fees for the mediator or arbitrator. Those fees expand greatly if you also choose to include lawyers in the process. Self-representation in court has lower costs.

· Public Record: Some people may wish to have the details of their marriage made public, particularly in cases when abuse has taken place.

Finding the Right Approach for Your Divorce

In most cases, for couples who aim to retain decision-making control, maintain a cooperative relationship, and keep costs in check, mediation is the preferable choice. It encourages open communication, focuses on interests rather than rights, and aims to find mutually beneficial solutions. However, it is essential that both parties are rational decision-makers, willing to negotiate in good faith.

On the other hand, if one party is uncooperative or indecisive, arbitration may be a better option. It ensures that a binding decision is made, reducing the risk of an inconclusive process. Ultimately, the choice between them depends on how challenging a couple believes it will be to come to an agreement together.

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An Objective Advisor Can Offer a Shoulder to Cry On Balancing Empathy with Objectivity in Divorce Mediation

October 27, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Separation and divorce can unleash powerful emotions, including anger, anxiety, betrayal, and grief. My role as a mediator is to help couples navigate their emotions while adhering to the principles of Canadian family law. It can be a tightrope walk, where empathy and objectivity must be carefully balanced.

In my family mediation practice, I offer a safe space where clients can pour out their pain, anger, and heartache. I strive to validate their feelings and allow them to vent their emotions (mostly in private), so they can come more calmly to the negotiation table.

Yet, there's an unyielding truth that many clients find hard to accept. Divorce in Canada is a no-fault process. No matter how saintly or devilish one party may seem, emotions do not sway the scales of justice in family law. Except in extreme cases, each party has equal access to the children and the finances. It's a hard pill to swallow, and it can feel like a bitter betrayal of one's own pain, yet part of my job is to educate clients to come to terms with the fact that they may be living half of the time away from their children, or making regular payments to a person they no longer like.

Infidelity, for example, is irrelevant. The guiding star is whatever is in the best interest of the child or children, despite of their personal grievances as spouses or parents. The law is clear that the best interest of the child normally entails a strong bond with both parents and a standard of living that is relatively equal across both homes.

Sometimes it’s a hard call for us as professionals. On one hand, we risk being perceived as too soft, too immersed in the clients' emotions, bordering on practicing therapy. On the other, when emphasizing the legal parameters, we risk being seen as lacking empathy for the very real pain our clients are enduring.

We must be compassionate witnesses to the pain our clients express, while also being steadfast champions of the law's principles. We must be the calm voice that guides parties toward a respectful, level playing field where balanced negotiations can lead to greater understanding and a better future.

In the end, divorce mediation is about more than resolving disputes; it's about helping people rebuild their lives by becoming cooperative co-parents. It’s about facilitating a process that allows individuals to find closure, move forward, and learn open communication, all while recognizing the immense emotional weight they carry.

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Is Mediation Right for Your Divorce? Not Necessarily. Watch For These Red flags

September 27, 2023 Mike MacConnell

As a family mediator, I am strong proponent of a facilitated, out-of-court process, but I always advise clients before we start that mediation is not the right choice for everyone. When couples decide to part ways, mediation can help them do so amicably, without resorting to a costly adversarial process, especially when children are involved. At its best, couples CAN reach a settlement while maintaining and even repairing how they communicate. But sometimes mediation may need to be postponed, adjusted, or terminated. It’s important to recognize whether the process is right for you. Watch out for these red flags.

Cases when mediation can be undertaken with accommodations

The Raw Emotions: Sometimes emotions are too overwhelming for successful mediation. If you or your spouse find it challenging to communicate calmly and rationally, it might still be the right process, just not the right time. Consider seeking individual therapy or counseling before attempting mediation, or just put the process on hold until emotions have settled.

Complex Legal or Financial Issues: If your situation is particularly complex, involving extensive assets, investments, or business interests, court can still be avoided by bringing in financial and/or legal professionals to offer advice during the mediation process.

Custody Battles: When child custody and visitation rights are contested, your mediator can undertake a VOC (voice of child) interviewing process or involve a psychologist, or parenting coordinator to reach resolution.

Cases when mediation may not be appropriate

Mental Health and Addiction Issues: Mediation requires clients to make rational decisions. It can be difficult to draw the line and say when mental health or substance abuse problems disqualify a person from making those decisions. When capacity is lacking or in doubt, mediation should be delayed until treatment has been received, or switched to court or arbitration so that decision-making is in the hands of a professional.

Hostility: Mediation only works when both parties come to the table with the intention of respectfully reaching a balanced agreement. If you or your spouse is repeatedly hostile, disrespectful, or refusing to listen, either in or outside sessions, then mediation should be discontinued. In my experience, hostile behaviour usually improves when it is not tolerated, and mediation can then resume.

Lack of Good Faith: Successful mediation requires compromise and a willingness to find common ground. If either party refuses to budge or make concessions along the way, you will need to explore other dispute resolution mechanisms such as arbitration or litigation in which decision-making authority is given over to a professional.

Hidden Assets: If a party is being dishonest about financial disclosures, mediation cannot proceed. An evidence-based, forensic process can uncover the truth and ensure a fair distribution. These unfortunate situations entail a much more drawn out and expensive process.

Safety Concerns: If there's a history of domestic violence or abuse, mediation may not be safe. Safety and well-being should always come first. If you are in fear, consult with police and consider seeking a protective order. In cases of coercive control, a form of abuse in which there is often no physical violence, the police will typically not get involved. The controlled person should see a social worker for psychological support and to protect children, including advocating for slowing down implementation of shared parenting arrangements. Kyra's Law, newly introduced by the Canadian parliament, requires lawyers, mediators and judges to make a concerted effort to protect children in shared custody arrangements with an abusive or potentially abusive parent.

In summary, family mediation can be an excellent tool for couples who are willing and able to seek an amicable divorce, but in some cases, it would require accommodations, or perhaps not be the right choice for you. Keep in mind that every divorce is unique, and the most suitable approach needs to align with your situation and needs.

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Stop Focusing on What’s Wrong; Start Looking at What's Right How to Get Along Better? Uncover the Positive Needs

August 31, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Conflict is a natural part of human interaction, but the way we handle it often determines whether it escalates into a destructive cycle or becomes an opportunity for growth. In many conflicts, individuals tend to focus on the negative aspects of the other person's behavior, often leading to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and further animosity. What if there was a different way to approach conflict resolution—one that seeks to understand the positive motivations behind dysfunctional behavior? In this article, we'll explore the idea of looking for positive, health-seeking motives behind conflicts and how it can pave the way for more effective and harmonious resolutions.

It's a common tendency to become experts in pinpointing each other's flaws and shortcomings during conflict. When we disapprove of someone’s dysfunctional or harmful behaviour, our natural reaction is to assume negative intentions behind those actions. However, by shifting our perspective, we can begin to unravel deeper motives that drive these actions.

Consider a situation where a teenager rebels and becomes disrespectful towards adults. This triggers reactions that are normally confrontational. The adult gets upset, assuming conflict and disrespect to have been the motive. Let’s take a step back and consider the healthy intentions behind it.

Rather than jumping to conclusions about malicious intent, it's worth delving deeper into the reasons behind someone's actions. Although the behavior created conflict, the underlying drive is more likely a desire for autonomy. The teenager's actions may be stemming from a healthy need to assert independence and establish their identity.

By recognizing the positive motivation of seeking autonomy, we can now shift the conversation from judgement to curiosity. Instead of simply reprimanding the teenager, a more constructive approach would involve inviting the youth to explore their motives, acknowledging their need for autonomy, while also establishing boundaries that respect both parties' perspectives.

Identifying positive motivations doesn't mean condoning disruptive behavior. Rather, this approach opens the door to collaborating to find common ground, set boundaries and work toward solutions that address everyone's needs. A difficult conversation now becomes an opportunity for you to point out that just as they have a legitimate need for autonomy (or novelty, or excitement or whatever) you also have legitimate needs that deserves equal respect, perhaps in your case for connection, (or order or peace). When two conflicting parties understand and validate each other's underlying motivations, they can reframe the conversation and work as equals toward a resolution. This not only satisfies more of each person’s needs, it also shifts the relationship toward greater reciprocity.

Romantic couples I work with are often at odds due to differences in communication styles. Instead of casting blame and assuming negative intentions, they can engage in a conversation that explores the health-seeking intentions behind each communication preference. One person finds silence calming, yet may be viewed by their partner as uncaring, while the other’s desire for connection might be interpreted as intrusive and controlling. But the healthier needs for peacefulness and connection are both legitimate. Once this is recognized, they can shift from the unhappy impact to the health-seeking needs and begin working together to find strategies to meet the deeper needs in new ways

When you make an effort to uncover the positive intentions hidden behind unwanted behaviours , you’re on the way to building empathy, bridging gaps, and creating solutions that benefit everyone involved. You’re on a journey that builds stronger relationships along the way.

All because you noticed the positive need that motivated the hurtful behaviour.

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Divorce Out of Court: It May Take More Than a Mediator

July 26, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Divorce is never a walk in the park. It’s a complex emotional journey that requires careful navigation. This is just as true if you are committed to resolving it out of court. Divorcing couples often utilize a wide range of professionals to ensure a rock-solid, legally valid, and bullet-proof agreement. This blog explores some of the experts you might want to consider on your divorce team.

A Mediator: Mediation can be essential to avoiding courtroom battles. As a neutral facilitator, they help you and your spouse reach agreements on various issues, including child custody, visitation schedules, and property division. They can offer strategic guidance and support throughout the process assisting as you navigate the emotional challenges, manage stress. With their assistance, you can maintain control over the decision-making process and work towards a mutually beneficial resolution.

A Family Lawyer isn’t necessary, contrary to popular belief. You can waive that option, but it isn’t recommended unless trust is very high and issues are very few. The mediator can provide legal information but can’t offer legal advice about your rights and obligations. For advice along the way, and a review of the Separation Agreement at the end, it’s smart to hire an experienced lawyer.

A Divorce Financial Expert can provide invaluable guidance in untangling the complex web of assets, liabilities and support obligations. They can help you understand the long-term financial implications of different settlement options and ensure that the lawyers are basing their advice on a fair division of property.

A Child Specialist can help assess and minimize the impact of the divorce on your children and provide recommendations for parenting schedules that prioritize their best interests. Their expertise can guide you in creating a parenting plan that promotes the healthiest possible environment for your children.

A Real Estate Appraiser is crucial for obtaining an accurate valuation if one party is buying out the other’s share of your home or other properties, thereby ensuring that the division of assets is based on fair and up-to-date valuations.

A Tax Specialist can help you understand the tax consequences of different settlement options, guide you in maximizing tax benefits, and ensure compliance with tax laws during property division and other financial matters.

A Pension Expert can provide guidance on the valuation and division of pensions. They analyze pension benefits, calculate present values, and assist in creating a fair and equitable distribution plan, considering factors such as retirement ages and survivor benefits.

A Business Valuator can determine its true value if you or your spouse own a business. They assess the financial health, assets, liabilities, and earning potential of the business to ensure an accurate representation for equitable division.

An Estate Planner revisits your estate planning documents, such as wills, trusts, and powers of attorney. Consulting with an estate planner can help you navigate the necessary updates to ensure your wishes are properly reflected, and your assets are protected for the future.

While mediation is an essential part of most out-of-court separation agreements, it’s essential to recognize the value of other professionals. Specialists provide knowledge and guidance to protect your interests and help you secure a balanced, bullet-proof agreement. Remember, every divorce is unique, and the need for additional professionals will vary depending on the complexity of your financial and family situation. Investing in professionals can provide the support necessary to navigate divorce successfully and save you money in the long run.

With the right team by your side, you can confidently move forward, knowing that you have the best agreement possible.

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Coaching Within Mediation: A Key to Improving Outcomes

June 28, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Mediation is a powerful tool for resolving conflicts and finding mutually beneficial solutions. As a family mediator, I have noticed that incorporating coaching into the mediation process, between sessions, and occasionally within a session, can enhance its effectiveness and help achieve a faster, more positive result.

Private coaching by the mediator isn’t traditionally offered because it risks the mediator/coach being perceived as aligning with one client over the other. I solve that by informing the non-coaching client about it in advance, and asking them to approve or veto the coaching opportunity. In every case I’ve ever had, the non-coaching client gladly agrees. They want the other party to negotiate more effectively.

Let’s explore some reasons why coaching can facilitate the mediation process:

1. Emotional Regulation: Strong emotions often hinder mediation. Perhaps a client is nervous, hesitant and barely participating. Or overly expressive and aggressive. By engaging in coaching between mediation sessions, individuals can explore the impact of their own approach in a safe space. Coaching equips participants with valuable emotional regulation techniques, helping those who are shy to speak up, for example, or those who are overly assertive to calm down, whatever will lead to a better outcome.

2. Communication Skills: One of the primary challenges in mediation is communication breakdown. Misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and ineffective communication can escalate conflicts and prolong the resolution process. With coaching, participants can improve their communication skillsoutside the formal mediation setting. They can learn active listening techniques, develop empathy, and gain a deeper understanding of their own communication styles and patterns. The quiet person can work at being heard and the expressive one to offer more space to the other.

3. Self-Reflection and Clarity: Coaching encourages self-reflection and self- awareness. By reflecting on their own values, needs, and expectations, individuals gain clarity about what they want and can express it more effectively. Coaching helps people identify their priorities, consider alternative perspectives, and explore creative solutions. This increased self-awareness allows individuals to approach mediation with a more focused and constructive mindset.

4. Goal Setting and Action Planning: Coaching sessions offer a structured environment for participants to set clear goals and develop strategies to meet them. Individuals can work collaboratively with their coach to identify actionable steps towards their objectives. By defining clear goals, participants gain a sense of direction and purpose.

5. Strengthening Relationships and Building Trust: With coaching, participants develop a deeper understanding of their own needs, as well as those of the other parties involved. This enhances open listening, which builds empathy and translates into more respectful communication. By promoting respectful interaction, coaching fosters an atmosphere of cooperation which can expedite a resolution.

Integrating coaching into the mediation process can be a game-changer. By providing coaching between mediation sessions on an as-needed basis, I offer participants a way to improve their mediation skills, resulting in faster, more successful outcomes. Building coaching into the process empowers individuals to navigate conflicts effectively and create more sustainable agreements.

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Keeping Emotion in Check: 7 Ways to Tame the Tension in Divorce Negotiations

May 31, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Out-of-court divorce negotiations are highly charged. To save legal costs and get an agreement that works for everyone, you’ve got to stay calm. That’s easier said than done, especially when triggered by the situation. Whether you tend to yell or shut down, here are some practical steps to keep things calm and focused during your tough negotiations.

Seek a Compassionate Mediator

Finding a compassionate and empathetic mediator is essential. Look for someone who has experience working with divorcing couples, who understands the legal issues and emotional turmoil involved. A sensitive mediator will be attuned to your emotional triggers and create an environment where both parties can express their concerns without judgment or bias. Their ability to listen and offer support often makes the difference between agreement and breakdown.

Prepare Yourself Mentally

Before each mediation session, take some time to prepare yourself mentally. Take a few deep breaths and focus on your breathing. Remind yourself that you are going into this meeting with the goal of reaching an agreement that is fair to both you, your ex and your kids. You may also find it helpful to set an intention for the mediation, such as "I will remain calm and focused throughout this session."

Identify Your Triggers

Let your mediator know what gets you fuming or shuts you down. Tell them what topics, gestures or comments are most likely to set you off. By doing this, you allow the mediator to adopt an approach that supports you throughout the process. You can come up with a plan for how to deal with touchy topics. For example, if you know you ex makes comments that trigger you, you can arrange for a signal to alert the facilitator that they need to intervene.

Use "I" Statements

Using "I" statements can be a powerful tool for expressing your feelings and needs without coming across as aggressive or confrontational. For example, instead of saying "You're being unreasonable," you might say "I'm frustrated now because I don't feel like my concerns are being heard." By using "I" statements, you can communicate your feelings without making blame statements that put your ex on the defensive.

Respond to Escalation by “Going With” the Comment

Most of us push back when we hear things we disagree with. We challenge, counterattack, or provide information to correct the other person. That’s going to make them defensive and escalate things. If they have been insulting or hostile the mediator should take over. But even if they don’t, you can defuse the moment by “going with” the statement. Instead of “I am not being selfish” try “Tell me more. Help me understand what I’m I saying that makes you think I’m selfish?” If you have the patience to do this, I promise it will defuse their aggression.

Take Breaks

After point #5, you might feel yourself becoming overwhelmed. Then take a break. Taking a few minutes to step outside, take some deep breaths, or even just stretch your legs can be incredibly helpful in reducing your stress levels. Remember that it's better to take a break and come back to the conversation when you're feeling calmer than to continue the discussion while you're feeling triggered and risk making things worse.

Practice Active Listening

Finally, it's important to practice active listening during mediation. This means really listening to what your ex-partner is saying, and summarizing what you’ve heard to prove you were listening, whether you like it or not. By focusing on what your ex-partner is saying, you can better understand their perspective and work towards finding a solution that works for both of you.

In conclusion, negotiating a divorce can be a difficult and emotionally charged experience, but a sensitive mediator can help keep emotions in check and foster open dialogue. This helps create a shared understanding of each other's perspectives, facilitating the resolution of conflicts and enabling fair compromises. The guidance of a sensitive mediator can help you navigate difficult conversations and defuse potential triggers.

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Internal Mediation Finding Harmony Within Yourself

April 26, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Have you ever felt like you are at war with yourself? Like there are different parts of you that are constantly in conflict, each wanting something different. Maybe you want to be a better listener, more sensitive to the needs of your partner, but your loner side just wants to go into the den and surf the net. Or maybe you want to get started on that new recipe, but another side of you can't resist a nap on the sofa.

We all have different parts of ourselves, and sometimes they don't agree with each other. It's easy to judge these sides of ourselves as bad and declare war on them; but what if we approached them with curiosity and compassion instead? We all know some people who aren’t bothered by their different aspects of their personalities.

For those who are troubled by it, the work of Richard Schwartz can be helpful. He was an influential psychotherapist in the 1980’s who introduced Internal Family Systems theory. According to Schwartz, the self contains subparts that make up our internal family. These parts are identified by him in three main categories: managers, firefighters, and exiles.

Managers are the parts of us that try to keep everything under control. They set rules and boundaries to protect us from harm. For example, your manager part might be the one that makes sure you’re a reliable partner, trying hard not to raise your voice even when you’re upset.

Firefighters are the parts of us that spring into action when something goes wrong, helping us cope with stress and trauma. For example, your firefighter side might be the one that provides a special treat when your partner is feeling down.

Exiles are the hidden parts of us that carry our emotional pain and trauma. These are secret sides of ourselves that can cause us a lot of pain if they're not recognized and dealt with. Maybe since being raised by dismissive parents you’ve never quite felt fully appreciated by your spouse.

The key to working with these parts is to approach them with respect, curiosity, and compassion. Instead of judging them, we can try to understand why they're there and what they're trying to do for us. That means slowing down to acknowledge and become better acquainted with ourselves. We can ask questions like, "What is this side of me really seeking right now? What is it showing me about what really matters to me?” Rather than shutting it down or acting on it impulsively, we can ask, “are there other ways to satisfy it that I haven’t yet considered?"

These questions help us remember that every part of ourselves has value when treated with respect. Your lazy side might point to the importance of down time in your life, while that ambitious streak may indicate the importance of accomplishing things. Recognizing this may help you to accept that each side is legitimate, which is an important first step in finding a balance between them.

So, the next time you feel like you're at war with yourself, try approaching your different parts with curiosity and compassion. You might be surprised at what you discover. And if you need a little extra support, consider finding a life coach Reflective Mediation or therapist to guide you into this domain. Or if you are a DIY type, consider checking out Richard Schwartz's internal family systems theory. Richard Schwartz One of these steps could be just what you need to find greater harmony within yourself.

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Conflict Not Quite Triggered

June 9, 2015 Mike MacConnell

Conflict Not Quite Triggered

I was riding my bicycle down Christie Street with the wind at my back, late for work and pushing hard when a woman in a parked car suddenly opened her driver’s door. I swerved, barely missed hitting her, and braked to a stop. Adrenaline soared. I was aware of my heart pounding as I turned to unleash a stream of insults.

Then I saw myself. In a flash of insight I was looking down at the furious cyclist confronting the shocked driver. I knew exactly what would happen. I would shout – she would get defensive. I would insult her and she would respond by giving me, this crazy cyclist, the finger. She would get on with her day feeling that she was the victim. So I shifted the script.

“I doubt you were intending to harm me,” I said as softly as I could manage. “You probably just forgot to check your mirror, but that isn’t an innocent error. If I had been injured he cops would have charged you. Not checking your mirror is actually a crime.”

“You’re right,” she replied. “I’m terribly sorry. I’m just glad you aren’t hurt. I really will be more careful from now on.”

I climbed back on my bike and rode on, still shaken, but feeling resolved. As a cyclist, I had been in altercations before, but this was the first time I came away with anything approaching a sense of satisfaction.

When you are upset with someone, whether in a brief encounter like this, or even more when a long term relationship goes sour, your mind obsesses with every fault of the other, running a self-justifying story loop that goes around and around in your head.

Even when every crime you recite is true, you only tell yourself half the story. Your side. A similar loop of half-truths is going around in the other person’s mind.

It’s a great way to prepare for battle. A terrible way to resolve conflict.

It helps to remind yourself of your goal. Is revenge your objective? If so then go ahead, keep demonizing your enemy. But if you want to end the conflict and move on, try mindfulness.

Let’s be clear about that term. Mindfulness isn’t an elevated or exotic state. It’s the simple practice of observing yourself doing whatever you’re doing. You breathe all the time. Chances are, however, you weren’t aware of the last breath you took.

The same is true of the emotions you feel and the stories you rehearse in your head. They usually happen automatically. You’re barely aware of the loop. Mindful awareness simply entails slowing down to observe what you’re thinking and feeling. Then time seems to expand slightly, permitting a pause between impulse and response.

The next time you’re in conflict it might not erupt. You may become aware, instead, that the gap is not so great between you and your opponent.

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