How to Set Boundaries For a Post-Separation Relationship: Building Bridges, Not Walls

January 29, 2025 Mike MacConnell

I work with couples who are separating. The marriage is over. That’s the easy part. The hard part is building a partnership to work together as co-parents. Whether repairing or ending a relationship, success often hinges on how well you set and communicate personal boundaries. Boundaries are the invisible lines that define what you are comfortable with and what you are not. When a former partner crosses these boundaries, they can leave us feeling distressed, even when the other person is unaware they have done so. Learning to identify and share these boundaries effectively can strengthen relationships, helping both partners feel respected and understood. Better communication will help you better parent your children.

The first step in setting boundaries is understanding your own. This involves self-reflection to identify the situations, behaviors, or words that make you uncomfortable or hurt. For instance, you might realize you feel undervalued when your partner doesn’t acknowledge your efforts around the house or dismissed when they interrupt you during conversations.

Once you’re clear about your boundaries, you can begin to think about how to share them with your partner. It’s important to remember that you speak about boundaries not to control others but to protect your well-being. Framing them in this way—as tools for mutual respect and connection—helps set a constructive tone for the conversation.

When it’s time to share your boundaries, the goal is to invite collaboration, not conflict. Too often, people approach these conversations by accusing their partner: “You’ve crossed my boundary” or “You’re disrespecting me.” While such statements may feel justified, they come across as attacks, making the other person defensive.

Instead, frame the conversation as an opportunity to build understanding. For example, you might say: “I’m sensitive about certain things, and I’d like to talk about how we can minimize hurt feelings. Can we have a conversation about this?” This approach respects both your needs and your partner’s autonomy.

Imagine you feel unheard because your partner frequently interrupts you during conversations. Rather than saying, “You never let me finish” or “You don’t care about what I’m saying,” try:

“It’s important for me to feel listened to. Can you let me finish what I’m finish what I’m saying before you jump in? Then I’ll give you time to speak.”

This phrasing shares your feelings without assigning blame and invites your ex to collaborate on a solution.

Another common boundary revolves around feeling appreciated. Perhaps you’ve been putting extra effort into supporting your partner by accommodating their last minute changes to pick-up and drop-off times, but they haven’t acknowledged it. Instead of saying, “You take me for granted,” try:

“We’re both putting effort into raising Jimmy. But can you acknowledge that I’m the one who is always making adjustments when your schedule suddenly changes and you’re late at work. It

takes a lot of flexibility on my part. I know you can’t help those changes, but you seem to take it for granted that I’ll be available. Will you agree to check in with me before assuming I’m free, and express some appreciation when I am?”

This approach focuses on expressing appreciation to foster a positive atmosphere.

The ultimate goal of communicating boundaries is to bring your co-parenting into alignment, not to highlight your differences. Try to avoid boundaries becoming weapons or markers of victimhood. Present them instead as opportunities to deepen understanding and strengthen your connection.

By approaching boundary-setting as a partnership, you shift the dynamic from “you versus me” to “us working together.” Remember, healthy communication is about finding common ground, even in challenging conversations after the marriage has ended. Mutual respect and understanding are the keys to success.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Don't Wait Until It's Too Late: The Power of Early Relationship Repair

May 29, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Consider this scenario: a couple seeks mediation, their once-shared dreams now eclipsed by disagreements and misunderstandings. It's a familiar narrative, one that underscores the significance of timely intervention.

Communication, I've found, is the cornerstone of relational harmony. Yet, it's an art that requires cultivation and refinement. Take the common dilemma of divergent needs when, for example, one person says "I need space" while the other is asking "Why won't you talk with me?" One person wants to decompress in silence, while the other is itching for a heart-to-heart. Cue the misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and before you know it, you're sleeping in separate postal codes.

However, beneath the differences and the judgements that follow from them, there lies a profound truth: both perspectives are valid, deserving of acknowledgment and understanding. It's the way these needs are articulated and received that determines the outcome. Through effective communication strategies, couples can navigate these differences with grace and empathy.

The skills are not abstract or complicated, requiring only that your primary commitment is to connect. From this perspective, listening becomes more than a passive act—it evolves into an empathetic exchange, fostering mutual respect and validation. The key is curiosity – and the technique involves summarizing what you’ve heard the person say, being sure you fully understand what matters to them before offering any correction.

Likewise, when raising a concern, the key is to focus on the underlying value that matters to you, without focusing on the faults of the other. For example, instead of: “It is rude and unfair that you’re always interrupting me” you might say “You’ve just interrupted me. That’s hurtful, because I want our conversations to be balanced and respectful.” This can transform a tense moment into an opportunity for constructive dialogue, where vulnerability is met with compassion. What might begin as conscious uncoupling can shift into relationship repair.

In the realm of family mediation and co

mmunication coaching, I often find myself at the crossroads of love and conflict, witnessing the intricate dynamics that shape relationships. That’s why I offer communication coaching services. Through my experiences, I've come to appreciate the pivotal role of proactive communication in fostering healthy connections.

As a neutral, my role extends beyond conflict resolution or the construction of a Separation Agreement. When they wait too long, until after the love has died, then yes, it’s about negotiating a legal contract. But even then, in cases when children are involved, the work is about equipping couples with communication tools so they can become effective co-parents raising healthy kids from separate households. If they had started this work earlier however, they could have done it within the same household and without splitting their assets in half.

The message is not admonition but empowerment. Relationship repair, I firmly believe, is not only attainable but transformative. It necessitates dedication and effort, yet its rewards are immeasurable—a renewed sense of connection, strengthened by mutual understanding and growth. By fostering an environment of open dialogue and empathy, couples can mitigate conflicts before they escalate, laying the groundwork for enduring harmony.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

How to Ensure Fair Division of Assets in a Divorce? Answers to the Thorny Questions Around Dividing Assets in a Divorce

April 24, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Financial issues often emerge as flash points of conflict in separation agreements. Disputes about money can escalate quickly, and if you let them fester, can lead to prolonged court battles and exorbitant legal fees. Unfortunately, the traditional adversarial approach to resolving disputes can add to tension and prolong the process, leaving both parties emotionally and financially drained.

As a family mediator, I frequently advise my clients to enlist the help of a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA). They specialize in navigating the intricate financial complexities common in family law cases. Unlike lawyers, who are each required to fight zealously for their client, CDFA's are neutrals, like mediators, who focus on achieving an equitable outcome for both parties. Their hourly rates are almost always lower than lawyers, and are split equally between each client.

Here are just some of the items a CDFA can help with:

· Child support obligations

· Spousal support entitlements

· Valuation of the home and other investments

· Division of workplace pensions

· Tax implications when RRSPs or pensions are transferred

· Treatment options regarding inheritance & family gifts

· Status of assets brought into the relationship

· And many, many more

In all separation agreements, both parties are required to disclose all assets, liabilities, and financial obligations, but they may not trust one another’s disclosures, let alone agree on how to divide them. Without a foundation of trusted facts, disputes over child support, spousal support, and property division can linger unresolved, prolonging the separation process – and the fees - indefinitely. One of the most compelling reasons to engage a CDFA is their ability to determine who owns and owes what amount, according to law. They accomplish this by gathering evidence of each party’s assets and liabilities and entering that information into specially designed spreadsheets and calculators to determine each person’s entitlements and obligations.

All of this is not to suggest that the CDFA is always a one stop guarantee. Depending on your level of conflict and the complexity of your finances, other financial experts can sometimes be required as requested by the CDFA or either of the lawyers. This could include

· Business valuator

· Estate lawyer

· Insurance advisor

· Forensic accountant

· Real estate appraiser

· Pension Specialist

· Tax advisor

In addition to the number crunching, since they are neutral and objective, CDFA's foster an environment of collaboration and cooperation, minimizing conflict and reducing overall expenses. They save time and money in the short term, and by ensuring your separation agreement is accurate and enforceable, their benefits last well into the future.

Ultimately, the decision to enlist the services of a CDFA is an investment in clarity, fairness, and peace of mind. By prioritizing precision and collaboration in resolving financial matters, couples can streamline the separation process and mitigate the emotional and financial toll often associated with divorce proceedings.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Solving Divorce Dilemmas: Mediation and Arbitration Explained

November 29, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Divorce is a challenging and emotionally taxing experience for anyone involved. When it comes to resolving the myriad issues that must be addressed during this process, one important choice is between mediation and arbitration. Both alternatives offer distinct advantages and disadvantages. In this discussion, we'll compare and contrast these two approaches, considering the risks, benefits, and the suitability of each for different circumstances.

Mediation: The Non-Adversarial Route

Mediation, often hailed as a non-adversarial approach to conflict resolution, allows couples to retain control over their divorce negotiations while working with a neutral third party, the mediator. The mediator does not have the authority to make binding decisions but facilitates productive discussions between the parties. This approach has its pros and cons.

Pros of Mediation:

Control and Collaboration: Mediation empowers couples to take an active role in shaping the outcome. It encourages open communication, negotiation, and finding mutually acceptable solutions, which can be particularly beneficial when children are involved.
Cost-Effective: Mediation typically costs far less than arbitration. It is based on hourly fees for the mediator's services, making it a more budget-friendly option for most couples.
Faster Resolution: Mediation often leads to quicker resolutions, as couples can schedule sessions at their convenience and meet privately between sessions to resolve some issues.
Preservation of Relationships: Since mediation fosters cooperation rather than confrontation, it can help preserve or even improve the post-divorce relationship, especially important when co-parenting.
Long Term Compliance: Since parties themselves arrived at the decision, they are more likely t comply with it than in cases where one party is unhappy with the arbitrator’s decision.
Lawyer Support: Terms agreed upon in mediation, including complex financial issues, can be reviewed by lawyers, who offer advice along the way or at the end, and convert the terms into legally binding Separation Agreement.

Cons of Mediation:

Lack of Binding Decisions: The mediator's role is limited to facilitating discussions. If either party is unwilling to cooperate or unable to make decisions, there is no certainty that an agreement will be reached.
Power Imbalance: In cases where one party is more assertive or articulate, the mediator may struggle to balance power dynamics.

Arbitration: The Binding Out-of-Court Alternative

Arbitration offers a different approach. It is an adversarial process where each party presents their case to a neutral arbitrator who renders a final, legally binding decision. It is well-suited for situations where the parties cannot reach a consensus through negotiation or have concerns about a good-faith process.

Pros of Arbitration:

Binding Decisions: There is certainty in advance that the arbitrator will make a decision, which provides a sense of confidence in the finality of the process.
Duration: In cases when parties are indecisive or arguing back and forth, arbitration can arrive at a conclusion in a shorter time.

Cons of Arbitration:

Costly: Arbitration is typically much more expensive than mediation, primarily due to the hourly rates associated with the arbitrator's services.
Less Control: Couples have less control over the process and the final decision. The arbitrator, not the parties, has the authority to make the call.
Adversarial Nature: The adversarial process may escalate tensions and hinder amicable post-divorce relationships, which can be particularly detrimental when children are involved.

Pros of Both, Compared with Court

Privacy: Arbitration and mediation are both entirely private, unlike court results which are on the public record.
Convenience: Mediation and arbitration are both more convenient when offered in private practice, since sessions can be scheduled to the
Duration: Court battles are notoriously lengthy, involving many steps in a system that is often overloaded and backlogged with cases.

Cons of Both, Compared with Court

Cost: Both mediation and arbitration have hourly fees, whereas self-representation in court has lower costs.
Public Record: Some people may wish to have the details of their marriage made public, particularly in cases when abuse has taken place.

Finding the Right Approach for Your Divorce

In most cases, for couples who aim to retain decision-making control, maintain a cooperative relationship, and keep costs in check, mediation is the preferable choice. It encourages open communication, focuses on interests rather than rights, and aims to find mutually beneficial solutions. However, it is essential that both parties are rational decision-makers, willing to negotiate in good faith.

On the other hand, if one party is uncooperative or indecisive, arbitration may be a better option. It ensures that a binding decision is made, reducing the risk of an inconclusive process.

Mediation and arbitration both offer viable alternatives to traditional court battles in divorce negotiations. The decision ultimately depends on the specific circumstances of the couple. Consider your willingness to cooperate, the complexity of the issues, and your budget when making your choice.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Keeping Emotion in Check: 7 Ways to Tame the Tension in Divorce Negotiations

May 31, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Out-of-court divorce negotiations are highly charged. To save legal costs and get an agreement that works for everyone, you’ve got to stay calm. That’s easier said than done, especially when triggered by the situation. Whether you tend to yell or shut down, here are some practical steps to keep things calm and focused during your tough negotiations.

Seek a Compassionate Mediator

Finding a compassionate and empathetic mediator is essential. Look for someone who has experience working with divorcing couples, who understands the legal issues and emotional turmoil involved. A sensitive mediator will be attuned to your emotional triggers and create an environment where both parties can express their concerns without judgment or bias. Their ability to listen and offer support often makes the difference between agreement and breakdown.

Prepare Yourself Mentally

Before each mediation session, take some time to prepare yourself mentally. Take a few deep breaths and focus on your breathing. Remind yourself that you are going into this meeting with the goal of reaching an agreement that is fair to both you, your ex and your kids. You may also find it helpful to set an intention for the mediation, such as "I will remain calm and focused throughout this session."

Identify Your Triggers

Let your mediator know what gets you fuming or shuts you down. Tell them what topics, gestures or comments are most likely to set you off. By doing this, you allow the mediator to adopt an approach that supports you throughout the process. You can come up with a plan for how to deal with touchy topics. For example, if you know you ex makes comments that trigger you, you can arrange for a signal to alert the facilitator that they need to intervene.

Use "I" Statements

Using "I" statements can be a powerful tool for expressing your feelings and needs without coming across as aggressive or confrontational. For example, instead of saying "You're being unreasonable," you might say "I'm frustrated now because I don't feel like my concerns are being heard." By using "I" statements, you can communicate your feelings without making blame statements that put your ex on the defensive.

Respond to Escalation by “Going With” the Comment

Most of us push back when we hear things we disagree with. We challenge, counterattack, or provide information to correct the other person. That’s going to make them defensive and escalate things. If they have been insulting or hostile the mediator should take over. But even if they don’t, you can defuse the moment by “going with” the statement. Instead of “I am not being selfish” try “Tell me more. Help me understand what I’m I saying that makes you think I’m selfish?” If you have the patience to do this, I promise it will defuse their aggression.

Take Breaks

After point #5, you might feel yourself becoming overwhelmed. Then take a break. Taking a few minutes to step outside, take some deep breaths, or even just stretch your legs can be incredibly helpful in reducing your stress levels. Remember that it's better to take a break and come back to the conversation when you're feeling calmer than to continue the discussion while you're feeling triggered and risk making things worse.

Practice Active Listening

Finally, it's important to practice active listening during mediation. This means really listening to what your ex-partner is saying, and summarizing what you’ve heard to prove you were listening, whether you like it or not. By focusing on what your ex-partner is saying, you can better understand their perspective and work towards finding a solution that works for both of you.

In conclusion, negotiating a divorce can be a difficult and emotionally charged experience, but a sensitive mediator can help keep emotions in check and foster open dialogue. This helps create a shared understanding of each other's perspectives, facilitating the resolution of conflicts and enabling fair compromises. The guidance of a sensitive mediator can help you navigate difficult conversations and defuse potential triggers.

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The Steel Woman Defeats the Straw Man Argument The Guaranteed Route to Respect

January 25, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Each one of us sees the world from our own angle. Viewing things differently can even be helpful in sharpening our understanding. Differences only lead to hostility when we stop listening.

Less skillful listeners often employ what is called a Straw Man argument. This is when someone misrepresents what the other person says, making a “man of straw” that is easier to defeat. For example, one spouse might say “we are not going out on dates and having fun with one another as often as we used to. It feels dull to me, like our life is all business.” A Straw Man response by the person’s partner might be, “Really? You want us to spend more money? You feel like we can afford to have fun all the time?”

It's not hard to see how quickly that will escalate the conversation. It twists and belittles the first speaker’s real concern, and suggests the one responding doesn’t care. What if the person who employed the Straw Man fallacy actually does care, but is distracted and worried about the household debt load? Each viewpoint has validity and both must be heard to resolve the dispute. The problem is the way the second person responded, causing the first person to feel misunderstood. Meanwhile, the second person hasn’t expressed what really matters to them. These people are well on their way to feeling hurt and disconnected.

In contrast to the Straw Man argument, the Steel Woman approach builds connection, provided you’re sincere when you practice it. The Steel Woman approach asks you to deliver the strongest sales pitch possible for your opponent’s argument. It powerfully demonstrates that you have listened respectfully and understood the other person’s main points, despite your differences on some issues.

I’ve discovered the power of the Steel Woman approach in the relationship coaching that is part of my mediation work. When one party proves they have listened, it creates a respectful tone and allows partners to stay connected despite their differences.

For the couple quarreling about the infrequency of date nights, a Steel Woman response could go something like: “You’re remembering that we used to go out more often and have more fun. And that these days we tend to dwell on responsible, adult activities. You feel sad that we’re not as carefree. Is that it?”

As with active listening, the first speaker now feels validated. They are more likely to trust that the listener cares about what they are feeling. The person who practiced the Steel Woman approach is now able to introduce their own concerns about financial constraints and be respectfully heard in turn.

Differences haven’t been erased. One person continues to care more about fun and the other more focused on financial restraint. But by pausing more mindfully to take turns, by responding to one another in a Steel Woman style, they will be on the same team when they begin suggesting solutions, such as low cost ways to have more fun again together.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

How to Raise the Topic of Separation or Divorce

November 30, 2022 Mike MacConnell

With 40% of Canadian marriages ending in divorce, the question of how one partner should raise the topic is as common as it is crucial. When a spouse broaches it skillfully, the steps that follow flow more safely and smoothly.

To Start

1. Self-care comes first. Take time to create the space you need to reflect deeply on your own and your family’s needs.

2. Recognize that the best interest for everyone is a renewed relationship in which differences are respectfully managed.

3. Is it possible to improve the relationship? Talk about it with your partner. Listen. Seek advice and professional help. Separation is the last resort.

4. Ask yourself whether you are clear in your own mind that separation is the solution.

5. If you decide it’s over, think about freedom for both spouses, not about winning.

6. Think flexibly about how assets might be divided and children raised. Be ready with suggestions for when you talk to your partner.

7. Don’t stick it out “for the kids” It’s better to be FROM a conflict-ridden home than IN one.

Next Steps Depend on The Stage You’re In

1. Undecided

a) Raise the concerns you have with your partner at a time and place that are comfortable, private and not rushed.

b) Seek collaboration on mutual goals and steps to manage differences more effectively.

c) If the topic is too dangerous to discuss, or if, after a number of approaches, the other party refuses to acknowledge the legitimacy of your concerns, then it’s likely already too late.

d) Make it about you. Your wishes, fears, goals. NOT about blame. Not about threats. Present an open, vulnerable heart. Inquire what your partner thinks, feels, wants.

e) Inquire about their goals that are not being met. Listen. Breathe. Respond to their responses.

f) Encourage your spouse to be a partner in the project of renewal. If not, take time, reflect, try again.

g) Have a strategy for cooling off. Ie. “I know this is difficult – let’s think about it for a couple of days and talk again.”

2. You’ve Decided. Communication is Possible

a) Be direct, clear, decisive and responsive. Listen deeply. Speak without blame.

b) Focus on positive values, on paths to the future NOT faults of the past.

c) Frame the decision to separate as a mutual project in your family’s best interest.

d) Seek collaboration to uncouple consciously, with positive role-modeling for kids.

e) Allow space for both of you to process these changes. Don’t rush things.

f) Team up to research low cost, low-conflict options to court, such as marriage counselling, communication coaching and mediation.

3. You’ve Decided. Communication is Low-to-Nonexistent

a) Strategize ways to communicate that are least likely to trigger them or create additional conflict for you, such as those mentioned in section 2, above.

b) Consider having a support person present.

c) Perhaps express your decision via a letter or email (dated and copied).

d) Meet with a lawyer or family mediator to learn your rights and procedural options.

e) Allow space for them to process the news. Suggest opportunities to meet/discuss safely, calmly.

f) Research out-of-court processes and present names of skilled mediators and collaborative lawyers to reduce risk of a court battle.

g) Have a safety plan in case this escalates to group 4.

4. You’ve Decided. You’re Afraid of Reprisal

a) In cases of coercive controlling abuse, prepare carefully in advance of taking steps.

b) Do NOT attempt to salvage the relationship. Abusive behaviour will reappear.

c) Secrecy and isolation assist the abuser. Seek advice and support from others. Engage family, friends, medical team, Children’s Aid Society, shelter services, and/or police.

d) Separate your bank accounts and credit cards.

e) With assistance, create a safety plan including alternate housing and if possible, a separate source of income prior to leaving.

f) Make arrangements to leave the home while the other party is out.

g) Use a 3rd party to provide notification of your decision to seek legal separation.

h) Research ways to proceed that don’t involve a court battle. Less traumatic options do exist such as mediation with a support person and at a separate location from the other party.

None of it is easy. It may be one of the most difficult periods of your life. Be assured, however, that the care you put into it ahead of time will spare enormous problems in the future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Finding Resilience: An Attitude of Abundance

September 29, 2022 Mike MacConnell

I come into contact regularly with people in crisis. Tension is extreme and resiliency most needed when their emotional resources are most drained. It might be a parent in the midst of a separation wondering “How will I provide for my children? Am I destined to a life of loneliness?”

The uncertainty can be terrifying. For some it is traumatic, prompting resentment and a bitter feeling that the situation, or maybe life as a whole, is unjust and unfair. But the following quotation from Hamlet happens to be true: “There’s nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” It’s only bad if you believe it to be.

The stories we tell ourselves become self-fulfilling prophecies. If you believe you are a decent person with sufficient resources, you will be more likely to willingly accept hardship and thereby find ways to succeed. Conversely, by focusing on what you lack, you sap yourself of the will to make an effort.

It isn’t about pretending everything’s OK. Resilience is about making the effort to shift your attitude away from despair. What appears in the moment to be an unremitting disaster can in fact be a wake-up call.

My job as a mediator involves coaching you in those vulnerable moments, when you are most overwhelmed and least able to think clearly. I acknowledge, yes, that things are unpleasant. You didn’t want this. But I encourage you to shift your mindset. Resentful anger or despair prompt you to fixate on what’s wrong and on who’s to blame, preventing you from considering the most effective next steps.

In other words, RESILIENCE CAN BE LEARNED. It’s a matter of attitude.

Stephen Covey, in his 1989 bestseller Seven Habits of Highly Effective People coined the notion of “an abundance versus a scarcity mindset”. In the intervening decades, positive psychology and the success of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy have largely confirmed Covey’s view that mental health is to a large extent determined by how we think about life’s struggles.

So seek out abundance. This isn’t magical thinking. You recognize the problem and face it squarely, but direct your attention toward the resources at hand that ARE available, rather than lamenting those that aren’t.

Here are a few additional suggestions about how to convert your conflict into connection and unwanted change into new growth.

List resources available to you, both inside and out.

· See this change as an opportunity to fix what’s wrong with your life.

· Be grateful for what is going well.

· Seek out people who have a buoyant attitude toward life and hardship.

· Accept that resolving conflict can benefit both sides.

An abundance mindset will help you grow from resentment to resilience and from victim to victor.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

“Best Interest of the Child" Easy to say it - but how to find it?

July 27, 2022 Mike MacConnell

Anyone familiar with Canadian family law has heard the phrase “best interest of the child”. It’s the ONLY criterion a judge can use to decide on disputes between parents. That says a lot. The convenience of the adult doesn’t matter, only the welfare of the child(ren).

In my experience as a family mediator, working with parents getting divorced, this “best interest” principle provides a solid foundation. If adults disagree on any parenting issue, the only argument that works is to explain how your position promotes your child’s best interest.

It is an elegant measuring tool. It banishes all discussion of who is a better spouse, parent or person. Canadian Family Law has been a no fault process since 1968. Instead of judging who was right or wrong in the past it simply seeks the best decisions for the children’s future.

But like many enlightened principles, the devil is in the detail. How do you predict what’s in the child’s best interest? Let’s see how this can play out in key issues.

Should We Divorce?

Does our child fare better if we stay together, or if we separate our homes and financial resources? Contrary to popular belief, divorce can actually be better for children. Child psychologists generally agree that the single greatest predictor of long term mental health issues for children is not whether their parents were divorced, but whether they were exposed to prolonged, unresolved conflict. Cold, silent conflict is as harmful as the loud, hot variety. So the verdict is, if you can’t resolve your ongoing conflict, the best interest of the children may well be to separate.

What Parenting Schedule?

This can be intensely difficult to decide. Women are more often the primary caregiver for very young children, yet mom needs to let go eventually because close bonding with dad is equally important. Shorter blocks of time with each parent work best in the early years, while older children thrive on less shuttling back and forth. In other words, schedules should evolve over time. To do that without conflict, positive communication is essential, which is one main benefit of mediation over court.

Parenting Style – Hers or His?

Both. Mom might be strict and dad more playful. Or dad cooks vegan and mom orders out. If you’re living in separate homes this isn’t your problem. When the kids are with you, do it your way, and give your ex space. Kids benefit from the best of both worlds. Instead of worrying, try having faith in their natural intelligence. In the long run your kids will gravitate toward the parenting style that is most healthy for them.

Who’s the Boss?

In my child protection training I learned to “give the child a voice, but not the choice”. Adults are responsible for decision-making. But decisions truly in the best interest of the child require the adult to be attuned to their changing needs and emotions. That means asking. And listening. And maybe inquiring about the solution they think is best. This begins an early training in thinking through the pros and cons of difficult decisions. Although the final decision is yours, the more you collaborate with the child on arriving at it, the more empowered by it they will be.

I “best interest” principle may not be easy to employ, but it provides a wise guide to our thinking.

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In Praise of Difficulty Light on Other Side of Hardship

June 29, 2022 Mike MacConnell

I had a divorce client - I’ll call him Jake - who was devastated by his wife’s announcement that she wanted a divorce. He told me he felt threatened by the loss of his identity as a family man and feared the inevitable reduction of his assets. In rapid succession, he experienced all the stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining and depression before finally arriving at acceptance.

He didn’t want the whirlwind of change he found himself facing. He had been comfortable in the marriage. Although it lacked passion, Jake never saw his marriage as broken. It was only in retrospect, after the legal process was over, that he came to recognize the marriage really had been dysfunctional and that his ex had been right. For years, he and his wife had been co=existing, without any real connection or deep intimacy.

My work as a conflict mediator brings me frequently into contact with clients like Jake, people have been thrust into turmoil. But one thing always within their control is their response to change. They can choose to embrace it, learn from it and grow.

For Jake, the period after the divorce was a revelation. By the time he and his wife had completed their Separation Agreement he had begun referring to his old life as his “Rip Van Winkle phase”. He felt like he had been sleepwalking, or under a self-induced spell. He knew he would never have shaken himself awake if his ex hadn’t rung the alarm. Difficult as divorce was, he was glad she prompted him to enter this new phase of his life.

Jake didn’t ask for the marriage to end. But when I checked in with him a year later, he told me his ex’s decision had prompted him to reflect. He felt more engaged, and had taken on a more communicative approach to the relationships he was now in. He was willingly working harder at keeping love alive by being more attentive to his new partner’s needs and more expressive of his own. He regretted that he had to learn it the hard way, and felt sorry for the pain he had caused his ex. I told him I wasn’t sure if there was any other way to grow. That pain is our best and maybe our only teacher.

I’m not suggesting you should ask for difficulty. There’s no need to seek it since difficulty has it’s way of finding you. When it arrives, just challenge the impulse to complain about it. Pivot away from the impulse to complain and direct yourself to become curious. Like coming upon a new exercise machine at the gym, try asking yourself: “What can this do for me? What skill I don’t yet have might this strengthen in me?” An answer will arise.

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Why Mediation Works

May 25, 2022 Mike MacConnell

People hate to be in conflict. Shifting the lens can help.

As a mediator, I facilitate difficult conversations, most often between family members whose emotional issues with one another may have been brewing for decades. The threads of misunderstanding are always difficult to untangle. Yet most of these conversations work out well – surprisingly well from the viewpoint of participants who often begin with negative expectations. I count on the fact that people dislike being entrenched in conflict. They are hungry for healing. When offered an attentive ear and a safe space, most individuals open up. They speak honestly and learn to listen responsively to one another’s point of view. They hear and are surprised by one another’s pain. People feel relief because they feel heard and have gained a new perspective on an old story. The process reduces bitter feelings and helps repair relationships.

That is my experience most of the time. People are willing to change the lens through which they view their conflict, and to see matters from a new point of view.

I am often moved by moments of beauty in these conversations, by a sudden breakthrough that enables one person to see the other in a new light. Moments like that explain why I love the work. There are also slower transformations that gradually cause one family member to appreciate the hidden motivations of another, and thereby rebuild empathy and respect.

When the opposite occurs, it can be disappointing. I’ve never seen a case when dislike or distrust is greater at the end of the process than it was at the beginning. But sometimes one party or both are unwilling to consider the situation in a new light. This might happen because a person doesn’t get that mediation doesn’t work like court. It doesn’t investigate fact scenarios, doesn’t seek “objective truth” or try to judge whose story is most truthful. Disputes over facts aren’t the focus of our discussions. The goal is to rebuild a respectful relationship, and we do that by focusing on practical, soloution-oriented questions. “What behaviours do we need to agree on for things to be better in the future?”

The idea of “shifting the lens” to see the conflict in a new way is asking a lot. Change is always frightening and never easy. It requires significant courage and humility to consider conscious, willing change. In the short run it may appear safer to insist that their own version of truth is the whole truth, to stay secure in the story as they have told it. But those who remain unwilling to look through a new lens, who try to play it safe, are sadly not the most successful at resolving their conflict.

My heart goes out to those people. I respect their wishes, their timing, their goals. It’s not for me to say if, or how, or when they should change. But I can’t help wishing I had a way to encourage them to consider shifting their approach. I keep looking for ways to help family members view themselves and others through a new lens.

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The Modern Divorce Team

March 30, 2022 Mike MacConnell

The cost of an uncontested, out-of-court Separation Agreement is normally unpredictable. Fees routinely range to well beyond $15,000 per person. Our expert team of four collaborative experts has just introduced flat-rate divorce packages ranging from $4,775 to $9700 per person. Moreover, clients who qualify won’t need to pay a penny until the process is over.

The Modern Divorce Team provides a mediator, a financial expert and two lawyers, one who will represent the interests of each spouse. This is all the expertise you need in one place – for much less time and money than the standard divorce solution. We created this option to ease the stress of our clients, who are often grieving the loss of their family dream, fearing an uncertain future for themselves and their children, and feeling very alone.

We help couples reach a legally binding settlement within 6 to 10 months, or less. For clients who qualify, payment can be deferred until the case is settled. This can also include financing the rental of separate living quarters, if needed, while your agreement is being negotiated.

We offer 3 packages:

The Family Package- $19,400 per couple or $9,700 per person + HST*
The Couples Package- $14,650 per couple or $7,325 per person + HST*
The Starter Package- $9,550 per couple or $4,775 per person + HST* (no children, less complex financials)

* We reserve the right to change current pricing.

We can also customize a plan for specific needs, such as owning a business, in addition to offering deferred payment for those who need the extra “wiggle room”.

All of our packages involve a co-ordinated team of 4 divorce specialists:

Two neutrals:

Mike MacConnell, accredited family mediator, your point person, who handles all negotiations. www.reflectivemediation.ca

and

Eva Sachs, divorce financial expert, who gathers and completes joint financial disclosure. www.evasachs.com

Plus two lawyers:

Anna-Marie Musson, collaborative family lawyer, representing and supporting one spouse. www.mlawgroup.ca

and

Ryan Osbourne, collaborative family lawyer, representing and supporting the other spouse. www.osbournecollaborativelaw.com.

Even if you avoid going to court, which is notoriously lengthy and expensive, there are risks to traditional Out-of-Court settlements.

These include:

· If you do it yourself, you will almost certainly lack the full financial disclosures and legal expertise that are required to provide you with full protection;

· Family lawyers charge by the hour, and are trained in an adversarial system. Expenses mount unexpectedly when they quarrel and charge for each interaction;

· The time frame is unpredictable when you hire lawyers or, a mediator, who do not communicate regularly with one another or interact smoothly;

· Family lawyers are not financial specialists. You risk a settlement that doesn’t have the expertise to accurately determine support obligations and equalization of assets.

We are committed to avoiding the tensions that can arise between lawyer and client when the total service costs are open ended. Many lawyers will need their retainers topped up several times during the course of finalizing a divorce. Clients are usually okay with this once or maybe twice, but as the costs escalate over time there can be a loss of goodwill in the relationship

We want to ensure our relationship is pure, secure and transparent at all times

With The Modern Divorce Team as guides, clients are the decision-makers. You come away with the full protection of an expertly crafted Separation Agreement that has been customized to meet the unique needs of your family, now and for the future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Why Don’t Men See It Coming?

August 25, 2020 Aleksandra Ania

I’m a family mediator. I get in the middle of other people’s problems. Things can get loud at times, but I wouldn’t be invited if things were going well.

My clients are most often couples seeking to separate or to save their marriage, but may be siblings who have fallen out of touch, parents at odds with their teenage children or adult children disagreeing about end of life care for their elderly parent. Every situation is unique.

The primary goal, however, is nearly always the same: to find answers to the issues that keep triggering conflict in the relationship. In short, to improve communication.

Participants are often shocked by how quickly they reach agreement, once they get to the table. As the mediator, I’m shocked by how long it takes them to get to the table.

Here’s another puzzling thing I’ve noticed: it’s almost always the woman who reaches out first.

I’ve had dozens and dozens of cases in my career, and in more than 80% of those cases, the first contact is initiated by a female. What’s going on with that? Why are women the ones who seek help? There are just as many men as women in difficult relationships, just as many men who are suffering emotional pain or hanging on in situations that are stressful.

Why aren’t the men doing the google search and emailing or picking up the phone?

Take heterosexual couples for example. Almost every case is initiated by the woman, who reports she is “living in parallel”, experiencing minimal intimacy or feeling taken for granted. The man may be a good father, yet acts like he’s on auto-pilot in the relationship, shrugging off her complaints saying “things aren’t really that bad”, dismissing her unhappiness as “an over-reaction”, avoiding the conversation by saying “why can’t we just relax and have fun like we used to?”.

He may look like he doesn’t care but most often he does and just doesn’t know how to express it. That’s what’s so tragic. When she finally says “I’m fed up. I want a divorce,” he feels blindsided. By the time they arrive in mediation he’s the one who presents as most devastated.

Once our work begins, men are equally able to listen respectfully, to articulate their needs and collaborate on solutions. They are as willing as the women to practice the communication skills I teach, and just as appreciative when they succeed.

So why aren’t they as quick to admit the dysfunction and seek solutions before things fall off the rails?

Is there a way to shake men awake before they wake up alone? Anything helpful you or I can say?

The vulnerability that some men fear (and therefore avoid) is actually the door to their deepest strength and connection. The door can be opened with honest communication, if only they could see it that way.

If you have any thoughts on how to pass men the key, please share your suggestions in the comments below.

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Focusing On Fixing Problems Puts Romance At Risk

December 4, 2019 Mike MacConnell

Our brains are Velcro for negative thoughts, Teflon for positive. Evolution has wired us that way. Nightly news producers know it, which is why, out of a million commuters, you only hear about the ones who don’t get home safely. Our city functions as a miracle of co-ordinated social and economic activity but we hear about the cases of violence.

There’s a good evolutionary reason for our predisposition to focus on problems. Our prehistoric ancestors needed to think ahead, to worry about the coming winter, rival tribes or the next hunt. They had to sharpen their spears and their wits. Those who paid too much attention to the bright side may not have survived to pass along their genes.

In modern times (at least in the developed world) our issues aren’t about basic survival. Attention to problems can motivates us to improve our lives, when done in small doses. But a preoccupation with your problems can trigger the “fight-or-flight” reaction, which prepares your body for action by shutting down the creative, problem-solving region of your brain.

Dwelling on the negative is riskiest in intimate relationships. When you zero in on the part of your love life that is not going well, you may lose sight of your many blessings. As a family mediator I often work with spouses whose story of their past is dominated by what went wrong. Conflict saturates their memory, poisoning their appreciation for anything that remains positive.

Those painful events DID occur. He really WAS hurt by her inattention. She really IS wounded by his critical comments, and those issues deserve attention. But they aren’t the whole story. Problem-solving often loses sight of the positive qualities you offer one another. Whether your goal is to heal or end your relationship, you’ll both benefit by shifting attention from what’s broken to what works.

Whether you’re reflecting on the city, or your love life, you will be at your best with a buoyant appreciation for what’s going well. The realist sees the big picture. Not just the problems.

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