I come into contact regularly with people in crisis. Tension is extreme and resiliency most needed when their emotional resources are most drained. It might be a parent in the midst of a separation wondering “How will I provide for my children? Am I destined to a life of loneliness?”
The uncertainty can be terrifying. For some it is traumatic, prompting resentment and a bitter feeling that the situation, or maybe life as a whole, is unjust and unfair. But the following quotation from Hamlet happens to be true: “There’s nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” It’s only bad if you believe it to be.
The stories we tell ourselves become self-fulfilling prophecies. If you believe you are a decent person with sufficient resources, you will be more likely to willingly accept hardship and thereby find ways to succeed. Conversely, by focusing on what you lack, you sap yourself of the will to make an effort.
It isn’t about pretending everything’s OK. Resilience is about making the effort to shift your attitude away from despair. What appears in the moment to be an unremitting disaster can in fact be a wake-up call.
My job as a mediator involves coaching you in those vulnerable moments, when you are most overwhelmed and least able to think clearly. I acknowledge, yes, that things are unpleasant. You didn’t want this. But I encourage you to shift your mindset. Resentful anger or despair prompt you to fixate on what’s wrong and on who’s to blame, preventing you from considering the most effective next steps.
In other words, RESILIENCE CAN BE LEARNED. It’s a matter of attitude.
Stephen Covey, in his 1989 bestseller Seven Habits of Highly Effective People coined the notion of “an abundance versus a scarcity mindset”. In the intervening decades, positive psychology and the success of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy have largely confirmed Covey’s view that mental health is to a large extent determined by how we think about life’s struggles.
So seek out abundance. This isn’t magical thinking. You recognize the problem and face it squarely, but direct your attention toward the resources at hand that ARE available, rather than lamenting those that aren’t.
Here are a few additional suggestions about how to convert your conflict into connection and unwanted change into new growth.
List resources available to you, both inside and out.
· See this change as an opportunity to fix what’s wrong with your life.
· Be grateful for what is going well.
· Seek out people who have a buoyant attitude toward life and hardship.
· Accept that resolving conflict can benefit both sides.
An abundance mindset will help you grow from resentment to resilience and from victim to victor.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
