People hate to be in conflict. Shifting the lens can help.

As a mediator, I facilitate difficult conversations, most often between family members whose emotional issues with one another may have been brewing for decades. The threads of misunderstanding are always difficult to untangle. Yet most of these conversations work out well – surprisingly well from the viewpoint of participants who often begin with negative expectations. I count on the fact that people dislike being entrenched in conflict. They are hungry for healing. When offered an attentive ear and a safe space, most individuals open up. They speak honestly and learn to listen responsively to one another’s point of view. They hear and are surprised by one another’s pain. People feel relief because they feel heard and have gained a new perspective on an old story. The process reduces bitter feelings and helps repair relationships.

That is my experience most of the time. People are willing to change the lens through which they view their conflict, and to see matters from a new point of view.

I am often moved by moments of beauty in these conversations, by a sudden breakthrough that enables one person to see the other in a new light. Moments like that explain why I love the work. There are also slower transformations that gradually cause one family member to appreciate the hidden motivations of another, and thereby rebuild empathy and respect.

When the opposite occurs, it can be disappointing. I’ve never seen a case when dislike or distrust is greater at the end of the process than it was at the beginning. But sometimes one party or both are unwilling to consider the situation in a new light. This might happen because a person doesn’t get that mediation doesn’t work like court. It doesn’t investigate fact scenarios, doesn’t seek “objective truth” or try to judge whose story is most truthful. Disputes over facts aren’t the focus of our discussions. The goal is to rebuild a respectful relationship, and we do that by focusing on practical, soloution-oriented questions. “What behaviours do we need to agree on for things to be better in the future?”

The idea of “shifting the lens” to see the conflict in a new way is asking a lot. Change is always frightening and never easy. It requires significant courage and humility to consider conscious, willing change. In the short run it may appear safer to insist that their own version of truth is the whole truth, to stay secure in the story as they have told it. But those who remain unwilling to look through a new lens, who try to play it safe, are sadly not the most successful at resolving their conflict.

My heart goes out to those people. I respect their wishes, their timing, their goals. It’s not for me to say if, or how, or when they should change. But I can’t help wishing I had a way to encourage them to consider shifting their approach. I keep looking for ways to help family members view themselves and others through a new lens.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

My job as a conflict mediator is built on skills I learned as a high school owner and teacher.

A few years ago I had a student and his mother in my office one morning, glaring across at each other. The school day had not yet begun but they were already hard at it, locked in stubborn conflict.

Mom: “He doesn’t do a stitch of homework, any more than he helps out around the house. And that’s zero. I swear, if it wasn’t to eat and borrow the car he’d probably never come home.”

Son: “Which might make all of us happier. It’s a madhouse when I am home. I don’t get any freedom and all you do is nag.”

Mom: “What else can I do? You’re in this expensive private school so you can get into university. If it wasn’t for my nagging you’d never get accepted.”

I stepped in, “Let’s look at what you’re both saying. You’ve described a perfect lose-lose arrangement. If you are correct, Mrs. Wilson, then even if Evan gets acceptance, the credit will go to your nagging, and he’ll be set up for disaster when nobody is there to nag him. And Evan, you’re so angry at your mom you’re prepared to sabotage your own success. ”

I continued. “This is a classic vicious circle. It can actually get a lot worse, or we can make an agreement right now to spin it the other way, into a positive spiral.”

“Really?” He asked, “What are we talking about? Brain transplant?”

“More like a behavioural transplant,” I answered. “But it has to be both of you.”

“I’ll try anything,” the mother said.

“What about you, Evan? Be honest with me, do you actually want to go to university, or is that your mother’s ambition? I know you’ve got the brain, but unless you care about being there you’d be happier setting your sights in a less academic direction.”

“Yes. I do want university. I’ve wanted to study science since I was a kid. I always intend to work. I just go nuts and flip out when she won’t leave me alone. Then I can’t think or work at all.”

“So the more she nags the less you work, and the less you work the more she nags. That about it?”

“Pretty much,” he smiled.

“Then let’s turn it around. It’s time for you to grow up, Evan, and time for you, Mrs. Wilson, to let him. I want you both to think of being a student like having a job.”

“What do you mean, “like a job”?” he asked.

“I’m talking about getting paid in privileges, one of which is not to be nagged. Prove to your mom that you CAN do the work on your own, that you’re actually ready to earn the freedom you want.”

“Mrs. Wilson, you need to leave him alone. Give him one month. Check in with his teachers for academic updates but don’t pester him. Pay him with the car and other luxuries only when he’s earned his paycheck by doing his schoolwork and chores.

Think of this as a contract to adulthood, or as I call it: the economics of accountability.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR