Internal Mediation Finding Harmony Within Yourself

Have you ever felt like you are at war with yourself? Like there are different parts of you that are constantly in conflict, each wanting something different. Maybe you want to be a better listener, more sensitive to the needs of your partner, but your loner side just wants to go into the den and surf the net. Or maybe you want to get started on that new recipe, but another side of you can't resist a nap on the sofa.

We all have different parts of ourselves, and sometimes they don't agree with each other. It's easy to judge these sides of ourselves as bad and declare war on them; but what if we approached them with curiosity and compassion instead? We all know some people who aren’t bothered by their different aspects of their personalities.

For those who are troubled by it, the work of Richard Schwartz can be helpful.  He was an influential psychotherapist in the 1980’s who introduced Internal Family Systems theory. According to Schwartz, the self contains subparts that make up our internal family. These parts are identified by him in three main categories: managers, firefighters, and exiles.

Managers are the parts of us that try to keep everything under control. They set rules and boundaries to protect us from harm. For example, your manager part might be the one that makes sure you’re a reliable partner, trying hard not to raise your voice even when you’re upset.

Firefighters are the parts of us that spring into action when something goes wrong, helping us cope with stress and trauma. For example, your firefighter side might be the one that provides a special treat when your partner is feeling down. 

Exiles are the hidden parts of us that carry our emotional pain and trauma. These are secret sides of ourselves that can cause us a lot of pain if they're not recognized and dealt with. Maybe since being raised by dismissive parents you’ve never quite felt fully appreciated by your spouse.

The key to working with these parts is to approach them with respect, curiosity, and compassion. Instead of judging them, we can try to understand why they're there and what they're trying to do for us. That means slowing down to acknowledge and become better acquainted with ourselves. We can ask questions like, "What is this side of me really seeking right now? What is it showing me about what really matters to me?” Rather than shutting it down or acting on it impulsively, we can ask, “are there other ways to satisfy it that I haven’t yet considered?" 

These questions help us remember that every part of ourselves has value when treated with respect. Your lazy side might point to the importance of down time in your life, while that ambitious streak may indicate the importance of accomplishing things. Recognizing this may help you to accept that each side is legitimate, which is an important first step in finding a balance between them.  

So, the next time you feel like you're at war with yourself, try approaching your different parts with curiosity and compassion. You might be surprised at what you discover. And if you need a little extra support, consider finding a life coach Reflective Mediation or therapist to guide you into this domain. Or if you are a DIY type, consider checking out Richard Schwartz's internal family systems theory. Richard Schwartz One of these steps could be just what you need to find greater harmony within yourself.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Why Mediation Works

People hate to be in conflict. Shifting the lens can help.

As a mediator, I facilitate difficult conversations, most often between family members whose emotional issues with one another may have been brewing for decades. The threads of misunderstanding are always difficult to untangle. Yet most of these conversations work out well – surprisingly well from the viewpoint of participants who often begin with negative expectations. I count on the fact that people dislike being entrenched in conflict. They are hungry for healing. When offered an attentive ear and a safe space, most individuals open up. They speak honestly and learn to listen responsively to one another’s point of view. They hear and are surprised by one another’s pain. People feel relief because they feel heard and have gained a new perspective on an old story. The process reduces bitter feelings and helps repair relationships. 

That is my experience most of the time. People are willing to change the lens through which they view their conflict, and to see matters from a new point of view.  

I am often moved by moments of beauty in these conversations, by a sudden breakthrough that enables one person to see the other in a new light. Moments like that explain why I love the work. There are also slower transformations that gradually cause one family member to appreciate the hidden motivations of another, and thereby rebuild empathy and respect.  

When the opposite occurs, it can be disappointing. I’ve never seen a case when dislike or distrust is greater at the end of the process than it was at the beginning. But sometimes one party or both are unwilling to consider the situation in a new light. This might happen because a person doesn’t get that mediation doesn’t work like court. It doesn’t investigate fact scenarios, doesn’t seek “objective truth” or try to judge whose story is most truthful.  Disputes over facts aren’t the focus of our discussions. The goal is to rebuild a respectful relationship, and we do that by focusing on practical, soloution-oriented questions. “What behaviours do we need to agree on for things to be better in the future?” 

The idea of “shifting the lens” to see the conflict in a new way is asking a lot.  Change is always frightening and never easy. It requires significant courage and humility to consider conscious, willing change. In the short run it may appear safer to insist that their own version of truth is the whole truth, to stay secure in the story as they have told it. But those who remain unwilling to look through a new lens, who try to play it safe, are sadly not the most successful at resolving their conflict. 

My heart goes out to those people. I respect their wishes, their timing, their goals. It’s not for me to say if, or how, or when they should change. But I can’t help wishing I had a way to encourage them to consider shifting their approach. I keep looking for ways to help family members view themselves and others through a new lens. 

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Introducing Mike MacConnell and Reflective Mediation

Ten years ago, in 2011, I came to a crossroads in my life when my first marriage and first business came to an end.  Blindsided by those failures, I was forced to re-examine my lifelong aversion to conflict and how it had prevented me from resolving disputes with my business partner and ex-wife.

I didn’t just rethink my approach, I spent three years studying dispute resolution at university and made it the centre of my new career.  Today I’m an Accredited Family and Workplace Mediator and Certified Communication Coach. In 2014 I founded Reflective Mediation, a dispute resolution and training service, and in 2016 published The Yoga of Divorce: A Mindful Route to Resolving Disputes.

It has been satisfying to help others repair relationships and relieve their distress.

When the process is properly managed, a well-trained mediator ensures a safe and confidential space in which to address emotionally charged topics, with or without a support person by your side. Demanding mutual respect between conflicting parties helps them move toward agreement.

A facilitated conversation really does work. It guides parties to slow down, to get curious about the other person and really LISTEN for what matters.  Curiosity motivates listening; listening builds understanding, and understanding generates empathy. I observe this with clients on a regular basis. Even when individuals have radically different values, needs and opinions, the dawning of respect enables them to work together to generate an agreement.

The effort pays off when relationships really matter. I have experienced success with:

·       Families and couples seeking to reconnect and rebuild their relationship;

·       Married and common-law couples seeking an amicable separation agreement that works for them and their children;

·       Solving workplace disputes between colleagues or between employees and management.

 Reflective Mediation provides four main services:

1.     Private coaching. I help an individual to clarify goals, build communication skills and refine strategies to realize those goals;

2.     2-party mediation. I serve two people who voluntarily agree to work with me as an impartial facilitator to negotiate an agreement suitable to them both. I manage the process (quite fiercely when needed) but don’t dictate the outcome. Participants are the experts in their problem and create their own solution.

3.     Multi-party Restorative Justice Circle. Offered to groups of up to 12, the circle process ensures that all parties get heard and the group can come to an agreement that acknowledges multiple viewpoints.

4.     Dispute Resolution Workshops. Customized for groups of up to 20, these highly interactive training sessions build practical skills of conflict management, tailored to the needs of your group.

I’m available week-days 9-5, most evenings and Sunday afternoons. I work primarily via zoom teleconferencing, although as Covid lifts I’m also meeting in person with clients in the Greater Toronto Area. I charge $200 per hour plus HST for each of the above services. That fee is split between clients when more than one participant is involved.

On my website www.ReflectiveMediation.ca you’ll find a virtual scheduling calendar, which allows you to book a free-of-charge initial consultation at a time convenient for you. I encourage you to schedule a free session to share your story and find out whether my service fits your goals.

Ready, Set, Pivot – Adapting to Unwanted Change

How well are you responding to the astounding changes that COVID-19 has imposed on your life? You’ve suddenly had to shift how you work and shop, how your kids receive their education and even how you socialize. Old disruptors such as e-commerce, online news sites, ride-sharing apps now seem mainstream or even old school.

Changes bring uncertainty; uncertainty breeds stress. We’re all wondering what the new normal will be in two months or two years from now. Truth is – you can’t be certain about what the future will require; but you can control your ability to adapt.

Research studies from multiple sources conclude that individuals with higher levels of adaptability adjust more successfully to shifting social environments, and report higher levels of life satisfaction. Better yet, a 2016 study reported in the Harvard Business Review reveals that adaptability can be learned.

1. Expect to Pivot. Those who adapt well view all change as a fact of life. Instead of feeling victimized by unjust forces, ashamed of past mistakes, or dreaming about “the good old days” they stay in the present, engaged in their work, alert for any opportunity. They’re ready to shift sideways, creating a new way forward.

Let’s say that under the strain of COVID isolation you blew up after your teenager sneered at your request for help with the dishes. Rethink your approach. How can you engage differently, in a way that might connect?  You could negotiate earning privileges by helping out, or express  your stress and need for assistance. You’d better pivot, because the teen is changing so you need to as well.

2. Dwell on Positive Solutions, not Negative Feelings. Emotional awareness is important as a starting place. But you don’t want to remain focused on negative feelings. Repeatedly broadcasting negative emotions hinders our natural adaptation processes. (Wortman, F.B. & Boerner, K., 2007) The alternative isn’t to “toughen up” or ignore your troubles. Instead, use that awareness to motivate a search for practical solutions.

Perhaps you notice you’re feeling a surge of anxiety about the COVID conversion of your home office to a virtual workplace. Treat that as a call to action. You might search YouTube videos that provide instructions on the use of virtual platforms, or ask a tech-savvy colleague for help. To manage the stress, research exercise routines devoted to stress reduction, or download an meditation app.

3. Reflect on Your Values, Not Your Fears. This tip builds on the previous one, starting with awareness of difficult emotions and examining what underlies them. The strategy is to focus on what deeply matters to you – connection, love, creativity, belonging, etc.  Do this by asking yourself what positive, frustrated values are causing the negative feeling.  Here’s an example.

Imagine your income has declined due to the pandemic and you’re drawing on savings. You doubt yourself and feel like a failure.  Dig beneath those feelings. What positive values underlie those emotions? Reflect, and it won’t take long to recognize your sadness and self-doubt are founded on your sense of responsibility. What matters to you is taking care of your family and being a reliable provider. Financial fortunes have changed, not your values or your ethical quality as a person.

4. Accept the Past; Fight for the Future. You may never be free from change, yet you are always free to choose how to respond to it.  Even though you can’t go back to the life you used to have, you can choose whether to lament what’s lost or conjure the courage to embrace the future, employing your freedom to chart your next steps.

Picture lockdown driving a wedge between you and your partner, who has stunned you by demanding a divorce. Your world has turned upside down. Will anger compel you to get even, or will despair drive you under the covers? These understandable impulses both push back against change. Or, once you’ve recovered from the shock, will you dust yourself off, accept that the ground has shifted, and strive for the fairest resolution you can amicably reach?

5. Find Humour in the Situation. Humour lightens the mood, helping you to see the problem from a different perspective and improving social interaction. The difficulties of others are no laughing matter, but finding an ironic twist on your own dilemma casts the situation in a new light.

If, for example, you have been unable to work because of COVID restrictions, you might play with reframing it as an ironic gift. “Hey sweetheart, I’ve been impatient to kick back and relax on vacation and the universe just dropped an unannounced holiday in my lap. And we can’t blow our money on a closed resort – so we’ll vacation here in the back yard.”

You can’t control change. Yet when change happens, how to respond is your choice. Always.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Marriage Story: The aikido Approach

I teach a college course in divorce mediation and was recently delighted by the dramatic opportunity presented by two students who were role-playing an upset wife and husband.  In the role of mediator, I was demonstrating the subtle art of “going with” the other person, a communication technique that entails resisting the automatic tendency to “push back” when you disagree. 

The student playing the “wife” barked out something like “The kids and I would be better off if you were dead”.

These were hurtful words, utterly unhelpful to reaching agreement. The natural reaction would be to halt the exchange with a reminder that parties had previously agreed to speak respectfully. I had no intention to reprimand. Her high emotion provided me with the perfect opportunity to demonstrate the Aikido approach.

Named after an ancient martial art, the Aikido approach, when applied to conflict resolution, teaches how to neutralize an attack without inflicting harm. Rather than retaliating, shaming or proving her wrong, this non-aggressive approach accepts the other person’s position and goes with it.

“That is a surprising statement.” I responded, “Do you mean what you said?”

“I mean every word. My children and I would be far better off if he was dead.”

“You must be carrying enormous pain to have such a wish. Help me understand how you believe it would make your life and the lives of your children better if their father was dead.” I turned to the “husband” and said, “Sir, I appreciate your restraint and ask you, if you can, to listen for the next few minutes without immediately responding.” 

The student playing the “wife” improvised for a few minutes, painting an elaborate portrait of her “husband” as a useless internet-gamer and compulsive YouTube addict who was completely inept in caring for his family. 

At one point the “husband” interrupted, “That’s untrue. You’re exaggerating unbelievably!”

“Sir, difficult as it must be, I’m asking you to let her continue. You don’t need to agree. I am not here to gather evidence or judge who is right or wrong. We are listening to what is true from her point of view. I promise we will soon get to hear your side. Will you agree just to listen for the next few minutes?”

“Ok.” he grumbled.

 “Thank you.”

Turning to her, I said, “Thank you for expressing your point of view. I understand more fully now why this divorce is important to you. Please continue. How do you believe it would it be for your family? Imagine the children after the loss of their father. How would it be for them?”

The student tried to maintain her righteous indignation, but couldn’t carry on for long. Soon, on her own, she admitted her words might have been exaggerated, “Of course, I know the kids would miss him. They would miss playing video games together. And his pancakes. It’s just unfair, that’s all. I earn the salary and I take care of him like he’s one of the kids. He doesn’t carry his weight.”

“Now you’re getting to what matters.” I said, “Carrying one’s weight is an important issue to negotiate. It sounds like you are worried that adult responsibilities are currently out of balance. Sir, do you agree it’s important to balance your parenting responsibilities?”

“Yes, of course I do.”

“Then the two of you agree on an important principle. Now you’re moving forward. Let’s continue.” Her emotions had been legitimized, not shut down, which enabled her to correct herself without being pushed to do so.

Aikido-style negotiation focuses on what makes sense, and avoids getting derailed by what doesn’t. Instead of “fighting for peace” you are “being peaceful for peace”.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Reduce Conflict in Social Isolation

It’s a blessing to have company during social isolation. But it can feel like a curse.

Pick your issue - one way or another, many of us feel triggered and ready to snap at our partners, roommates or children when we’re stuck home with one another – and there’s no place to get away.

For example:

·       She predicts global catastrophe with an air of certainty that you find pompous and depressing.

·       His advice on how to do household chores makes it sound like he thinks you’re incompetent.

Here are a few tips on managing your response when you’re tempted to snap.

What if instead of getting caught up in judging your partner, or feeling criticized, you recognized the other’s behaviour as useful, incoming information about how it is for them? What if you assumed the other person was doing the best they could?  Try finding out. A dose of sincere curiosity can shift the outcome from conflict to connection.

It’s called an Aikido Approach*. Simply put, it’s about “going with” instead of pushing back.

Here’s how it might play out when you feel irritated or overwhelmed:

·       First, get quietly centred in yourself. Check in on your agitated reaction.

·       Notice your impulse. Name it to yourself. Take a slow, conscious breath.

·       “Go with” the other person’s words. Assume their behaviour is a legitimate expression of what they need now. Cultivate curiosity about that.  

·       Inquire into what it looks and feels like for them.

To the global catastrophist you might say:

·       “Tell me more. Your predictions sound pretty dire and scary.   Should I be scared? Do you want to talk it through?”

·       “Are there any steps you think we should be taking to prevent that from happening?”

·       “What are your suggestions about how we can prepare in case that occurs?”

In response to advice on household chores you might say:

·       “I get that doing chores correctly matters a lot to you. We share that. If I did them my way, please explain what you are worried would happen?”

·       “When I hear your advice, it sounds like you doubt my ability. That is upsetting for me. What impact were you hoping to have?” 

·       “Can you suggest a way for us to discuss this more skillfully?”

It’s called an Aikido approach after the martial art that neutralizes conflict without unnecessary force or injury to either side. When someone comes at you, (or their words do) you simply get out of the way and add your own energy to theirs. You unbalance the other’s position, without aggression. Applied to relationships, the Aikido approach defuses conflict by helping you understand the other person, even if you don’t always agree.

Curiosity is hard to summon when you disagree or feel hurt. The natural reaction is to resist, correct, argue, inform, or get even.  It isn’t easy to put your reactions on hold; but curiosity works. It requires an attitude of acceptance, a centred willingness to “go with” the other person rather than push back from a sense of threat.

No need to fake it. No need to agree. Being curious is about genuinely accepting that their point of view and their feelings are as legitimate to them as yours are to you.

Tension is less likely to build. And when it does, find something to ask. When your goal is not to get back at them, you’ll improve your ability to get back with them.

 * Fully articulated in The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum, Touchstone Books, 1988.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

My Book Is Born

On a winter evening in 2012, I was having a beer with some friends after my weekly game of outdoor hockey.  I was at a table with Jason and Pete, middle-aged men who, like me, had separated from their wives.  Jason began to describe his divorce battle.

 “She’s trying to take it all.  She’s in a fury, won’t talk to me, and her lawyer just eggs her on,” he said through clenched teeth. “But there’s no way I’m giving in.  My lawyer says her claims are bogus.  She won’t let me into the house but I’ve been told I can force her to sell it.”

 “Don’t your kids still live there?” I asked.

 “Well that’s just it.” Jason said.  “I care about them but I’ve also got to get my share.  I don’t want to force my kids to move, and look like a jerk, but no way I’m going to pay and pay while she lives like a queen in the house I bought.”

 “Can’t you find a compromise?” I asked.

 “I tell you, she’s gone nuts.  There’s no middle ground.  We only talk through lawyers.”  Jason went on.  “I’ve already paid thousands of dollars.  So has she, or even more, I bet.  It’s been going on for close to two years and we’re farther than ever from a solution.”

 Pete had been nursing his brew across from us in silence.  “Same with me,” he said, “for two years going on three.  I’m self-employed and hardly make any money.  She’s got a big job.  Just up and walked out on me.  Now I’m looking after my son and have to fight her for alimony.  How am I supposed to do that?   I don’t even know what she wants.”

 I had just signed the legal documents finalizing my own divorce which, from beginning to end, had taken under five months and 3.2 hours of legal bills.   

 “Listen guys.  It doesn’t have to be like that,” I said.  “There is a simpler way.”

 “Yeah, right.  Good luck trying that with my ex,” Jason growled. 

 “Have you tried talking with her calmly?”

 “Dude, you must be joking.  Sure I’ve tried.  But I open my mouth and we end up screaming at each other.”

 “Then shift your reactions.  Let me describe the strategy I used.” I said, and began to outline how co-operative opposition works on yoga poses and at the negotiation table.

 I explained that the key was to “park ego at the door” and to seek the best for both sides.  I described how a mindfulness practice could strengthen the body and help resolve conflict by respectfully balancing opposite forces.

 Pete in particular was intrigued and wanted to know more.  I realized from this conversation that many couples could benefit from putting these simple strategies into practice. 

 Simple they are. But not easy.  We most urgently need to make calm decisions at those times when being calm is most difficult – in the midst of emotional crisis.  When stakes are highest we feel most triggered to attack. For the sake of our children, our wealth and our personal well-being, it’s worth the effort to work past negative emotions, and put ego in its place.  

 I decided then and there to put these suggestions into a book.The Yoga Of Divorce was published by Friesen Press in the winter of 2016. It is available in paperback or hardcover from www.reflectivemediation.ca or on Amazon in paper or e-book versions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.