I had a divorce client - I’ll call him Jake - who was devastated by his wife’s announcement that she wanted a divorce. He told me he felt threatened by the loss of his identity as a family man and feared the inevitable reduction of his assets. In rapid succession, he experienced all the stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining and depression before finally arriving at acceptance.
He didn’t want the whirlwind of change he found himself facing. He had been comfortable in the marriage. Although it lacked passion, Jake never saw his marriage as broken. It was only in retrospect, after the legal process was over, that he came to recognize the marriage really had been dysfunctional and that his ex had been right. For years, he and his wife had been co=existing, without any real connection or deep intimacy.
My work as a conflict mediator brings me frequently into contact with clients like Jake, people have been thrust into turmoil. But one thing always within their control is their response to change. They can choose to embrace it, learn from it and grow.
For Jake, the period after the divorce was a revelation. By the time he and his wife had completed their Separation Agreement he had begun referring to his old life as his “Rip Van Winkle phase”. He felt like he had been sleepwalking, or under a self-induced spell. He knew he would never have shaken himself awake if his ex hadn’t rung the alarm. Difficult as divorce was, he was glad she prompted him to enter this new phase of his life.
Jake didn’t ask for the marriage to end. But when I checked in with him a year later, he told me his ex’s decision had prompted him to reflect. He felt more engaged, and had taken on a more communicative approach to the relationships he was now in. He was willingly working harder at keeping love alive by being more attentive to his new partner’s needs and more expressive of his own. He regretted that he had to learn it the hard way, and felt sorry for the pain he had caused his ex. I told him I wasn’t sure if there was any other way to grow. That pain is our best and maybe our only teacher.
I’m not suggesting you should ask for difficulty. There’s no need to seek it since difficulty has it’s way of finding you. When it arrives, just challenge the impulse to complain about it. Pivot away from the impulse to complain and direct yourself to become curious. Like coming upon a new exercise machine at the gym, try asking yourself: “What can this do for me? What skill I don’t yet have might this strengthen in me?” An answer will arise.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
