Behind Closed Doors: The Confidentiality Advantage of Family Mediation

July 31, 2024 Mike MacConnell

When it comes to navigating the often turbulent waters of divorce, many couples are increasingly turning to private family mediation as a beacon of hope. Unlike courtroom battles where every detail is etched into the public record, mediation offers a haven of privacy and confidentiality that can make a world of difference during such a sensitive time.

Imagine this scenario: Sarah and John have decided to part ways after fifteen years of marriage. Amidst the emotional strain and logistical challenges, they are faced with the daunting task of dividing assets and determining custody of their two children. In their search for a resolution that minimizes conflict and preserves their dignity, they opt for family mediation.

In a private mediation session, Sarah and John, guided by a trained mediator, can openly discuss their concerns and preferences without fear of public exposure. They can delve into intimate details about their children’s needs, financial disclosures, and personal grievances in a safe and confidential environment. This level of confidentiality allows them to explore creative solutions that are tailored to their unique family dynamics without the pressure of a public courtroom.

Contrast this with a court proceeding where every argument, accusation, and financial detail becomes a matter of permanent public record. Sarah and John might find themselves embroiled in a legal spectacle where their private lives are scrutinized by lawyers, judges, and potentially the media. This exposure not only heightens stress but can also strain already fragile relationships, making it harder to co-parent effectively in the future.

Moreover, the permanence of court records means that personal and financial disclosures made during the proceedings could potentially be accessed by anyone in the future. This lack of confidentiality can have long-term implications for both individuals, affecting everything from future job prospects to personal relationships.

Privacy and confidentiality are not mere luxuries in such situations; they are essential pillars upon which effective mediation thrives. By safeguarding sensitive information, mediation empowers couples like Sarah and John to maintain control over their own narrative and make decisions that prioritize their family’s well-being. It fosters an atmosphere of trust and cooperation, paving the way for mutual understanding and sustainable agreements.

Beyond the immediate benefits, the confidential nature of mediation encourages open communication and compromise. Couples are more likely to engage in honest dialogue and explore creative solutions that might not be feasible in a courtroom setting dominated by adversarial tactics.

In essence, the choice between family mediation and court proceedings is not just about legal outcomes but also about preserving dignity, minimizing emotional turmoil, and safeguarding future relationships. It’s about recognizing that while divorce signifies an end to a marital union, it doesn’t have to signal the demise of mutual respect and confidentiality, nor when children are involved does it terminate the fact that you are a family.

As society evolves, so too should our approach to resolving personal disputes. Family mediation represents a progressive step towards a more humane and compassionate legal system—one that acknowledges the value of privacy in an increasingly interconnected world.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Don't Wait Until It's Too Late: The Power of Early Relationship Repair

May 29, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Consider this scenario: a couple seeks mediation, their once-shared dreams now eclipsed by disagreements and misunderstandings. It's a familiar narrative, one that underscores the significance of timely intervention.

Communication, I've found, is the cornerstone of relational harmony. Yet, it's an art that requires cultivation and refinement. Take the common dilemma of divergent needs when, for example, one person says "I need space" while the other is asking "Why won't you talk with me?" One person wants to decompress in silence, while the other is itching for a heart-to-heart. Cue the misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and before you know it, you're sleeping in separate postal codes.

However, beneath the differences and the judgements that follow from them, there lies a profound truth: both perspectives are valid, deserving of acknowledgment and understanding. It's the way these needs are articulated and received that determines the outcome. Through effective communication strategies, couples can navigate these differences with grace and empathy.

The skills are not abstract or complicated, requiring only that your primary commitment is to connect. From this perspective, listening becomes more than a passive act—it evolves into an empathetic exchange, fostering mutual respect and validation. The key is curiosity – and the technique involves summarizing what you’ve heard the person say, being sure you fully understand what matters to them before offering any correction.

Likewise, when raising a concern, the key is to focus on the underlying value that matters to you, without focusing on the faults of the other. For example, instead of: “It is rude and unfair that you’re always interrupting me” you might say “You’ve just interrupted me. That’s hurtful, because I want our conversations to be balanced and respectful.” This can transform a tense moment into an opportunity for constructive dialogue, where vulnerability is met with compassion. What might begin as conscious uncoupling can shift into relationship repair.

In the realm of family mediation and co

mmunication coaching, I often find myself at the crossroads of love and conflict, witnessing the intricate dynamics that shape relationships. That’s why I offer communication coaching services. Through my experiences, I've come to appreciate the pivotal role of proactive communication in fostering healthy connections.

As a neutral, my role extends beyond conflict resolution or the construction of a Separation Agreement. When they wait too long, until after the love has died, then yes, it’s about negotiating a legal contract. But even then, in cases when children are involved, the work is about equipping couples with communication tools so they can become effective co-parents raising healthy kids from separate households. If they had started this work earlier however, they could have done it within the same household and without splitting their assets in half.

The message is not admonition but empowerment. Relationship repair, I firmly believe, is not only attainable but transformative. It necessitates dedication and effort, yet its rewards are immeasurable—a renewed sense of connection, strengthened by mutual understanding and growth. By fostering an environment of open dialogue and empathy, couples can mitigate conflicts before they escalate, laying the groundwork for enduring harmony.

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What Can and Can’t Be Mediated Agree on Behaviours; Accept the Differences in Feelings and Values

February 28, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Mediation brings the glimmer of hope you seek in separation and divorce. It is cost-effective and empowering. It promises a collaborative approach to reaching settlement agreements, with a particular focus on financial and parenting arrangements. Yet, as you consider engaging in this process, it's vital to be fully informed about the limits of what can and can not be mediated.

Financial and parenting discussions thrive in the structured environment of mediation, offering a pathway for couples to actively shape their post-divorce lives. Co-parenting schedules and financial equalization become the tangible pillars around which negotiation revolves.

However, within this structured landscape, there exists a realm that mediation cannot address – the realm of personal values, religious or political beliefs, and the intricate fabric of psychological states and emotions. These human features, deeply entrenched in subjectivity, resist the neat resolution that mediation aims to provide.

Consider the intricacies of personal beliefs – the values and convictions that shape our worldview. Family mediation can’t reconcile differences in deeply rooted convictions, such as whether you should appreciate one another or share similar parenting styles. Mediating subjective matters such as those is not our goal. Mediators help clients to accept these personal differences without judgment, recognizing that each of us has a right to our private emotions and beliefs.

For example, in negotiating finances, if one party cares more about an immediate nest egg and the other is more concerned about security in old age, those differences need to be named and accepted, not debated. In a case such as that, assets could be divided by transferring RRSPs and pensions to one party, while shifting liquid assets to the other. Mediation isn’t asking you to change who you are or what matters to you, rather to make arrangements that satisfy as many of each person’s needs as possible.

As a mediator, I help parties establish guidelines around future communication and cooperation that are unique to their situation. By agreeing on specific, observable behaviours, you can find ways to get along despite differences. For example, if one parent is focused on academic achievement and the other cares more about ensuring creative play for the children, they don’t need to dispute which view is superior. The task is to work out a parenting arrangement that provides a balance of both, expressed in terms you can both live with.

Thus, as you navigate the complexities of divorce through family mediation, be aware of the limits and strengths of the process. Recognize that personal beliefs and values can’t be mediated, and seize instead on the opportunity to construct clear agreements on ways to behave that respect your differences. In doing so, you pave the way for a more collaborative coparenting relationship. Because no matter how many things you may continue to disagree about, one thing you will always share is the love of your children. And that’s the motivation that matters most.

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Truth Telling in Divorce Mediation Why Your Ex’s Lying Isn’t the Problem You Think It Is

January 31, 2024 Mike MacConnell

When mediating a separation or divorce, I frequently encounter clients who express skepticism about the effectiveness of mediation due to concerns about dishonesty by their partner. Commonly, individuals worry that their soon-to-be ex-spouse is prone to deception. While these are legitimate fears, it is crucial to understand that the mediation process is not a courtroom drama centered on past grievances. It doesn’t reward or punish based on past behaviour. Instead, it is a forward-focused endeavor, aiming to construct a roadmap for the future.

Mediation, unlike litigation, is not about seeking evidence to build a case, except around financial disclosures. Separation is officially a No Fault procedure. It avoids the pitfalls of determining who was a better parent, spouse or person. The central document produced during mediation, the Separation Agreement or Memorandum of Understanding, is not a narrative of the past but a blueprint for the future. Family law is designed to ensure that, except in extreme situations, each party has equal entitlement to time with their children and equal access to financial assets, steering clear of the blame game.

Liars often strive to present themselves in the best light, making promises they may not intend to keep. Such false promises can backfire tremendously, since the Separation Agreement is a legally binding document, and any deviation from its terms can lead to severe consequences for the party attempting to deceive. For example, imagine a case when one party claims a desire for shared parenting time to reduce their child support obligation, but they have no intention to follow through. If the honest parent keeps track of the times they were asked to fill in for the other parent and can show they have been parenting for more than 60% of the time, they can report the situation to the Family Responsibility Office (FRO), a government body that has authority to order retroactive child support payments, and even to garnishee the wages of the parent who hasn’t followed through on their obligation.

The emotional toll of such false portrayals during mediation isn’t easy to take. But if you can’t trust the other party you can still trust the process. Let the liar lie, for it is they who box themselves into a corner. The Separation Agreement becomes a powerful tool, holding them accountable for their commitments. For both parties the challenge at hand is remaining emotionally untriggered. The mediator’s job, in part, is to discourage conflict around what may have happened in the marriage. It’s not therapy or a forum for judging who is right or wrong.

It is a pragmatic process aimed at fostering cooperation in reaching mutual agreement. The document your are crafting is a roadmap for the future, describing desired behaviors and commitments going forward. I encourage clients to view the Agreement they are creating as a shield against deceit, offering a path forward based on accountability to a legal contract.

Divorce mediation is a powerful tool for those navigating the challenging terrain of separation. By understanding that the process is not about rehashing or agreeing on the past but charting a course for the future, individuals can confidently engage in mediation, knowing that lies have limited power in the face of a legally binding and forward-looking Separation Agreement.

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Peace on Earth: The Power of Learning the Other Person’s Viewpoint

December 27, 2023 Mike MacConnell

In a world where opinions diverge more than ever, the ability to resolve conflicts and bridge differences has never been more crucial. Too often, we find ourselves confined within the echo chambers of our own beliefs, ridiculing the perspectives of those we disagree with. This behavior not only stifles meaningful debate but also perpetuates misunderstandings and heightens conflicts. It’s not hopeless. Things can improve. That begins with dialogue, and dialogue becomes authentic when we take seriously the other side's point of view. Doing so has a transformative impact at a personal and international level.

The Echo Chamber Effect:

In an era dominated by social media and personalized news feeds, it's become all too easy to surround ourselves with like-minded individuals and voices that mirror our own beliefs. This phenomenon, known as the echo chamber effect, has far-reaching implications. It reinforces our existing opinions, makes us more resistant to change, and leaves us blind to the merits of other perspectives and the drawbacks of our own.

The Art of Empathetic Listening:

Conflict resolution begins with empathy, and understanding the other side's point of view is a critical component of empathy. Rather than entirely dismissing your opponents' arguments, those who take the time to truly listen will better appreciate the nuances, strengths, and weaknesses of both positions. This opens the door to constructive dialogue, mutual understanding and collaborative solutions.

Beyond Demonization:

Whether in divorce negotiations, politics, or international relations, the tendency to demonize the other side is a common stumbling block. It is easier to reject and vilify our opponents than to acknowledge their legitimate needs. Demonization deepens divisions and hampers the pursuit of common ground. Instead, we should strive to recognize the legitimate needs expressed by our adversaries and use them as a foundation for constructive dialogue, even when we disagree with the strategies or position they may take.

The Road to Lasting Solutions:

Peaceful co-existence requires respectful communication. When both sides make a genuine effort to understand each other's unmet needs, the groundwork is laid for lasting solutions. This process is not about surrendering one's position but finding common ground to address the concerns of all parties involved. Diplomacy can only be successful when it is rooted in mutual respect and understanding.

The Way Forward:

To create a more harmonious and cooperative world, a first step is studying the other side's point of view. This practice doesn't require us to compromise our beliefs, but rather to expand our perspective and engage in meaningful conversations. It means setting aside preconceived notions, actively listening, and acknowledging that both sides have valid concerns. All sides would rather suffer less. Solutions that address the interests of everyone involved require an understanding of each side’s unmet needs.

The importance of studying the other side's opinion can’t be overstated. It is the key to breaking free from the shackles of echo chambers and fostering a more understanding, empathetic, and peaceful society. In personal relationships, party politics, and international affairs, the power of open, respectful

communication is the path to resolving conflicts and creating a world where diverse viewpoints can coexist harmoniously. Exceptions do exist. Some extremist groups and individuals may not be willing or able to engage in good faith negotiation. Force can be legitimate in the face of terror tactics. But the vast majority of people in every nation would rather have stability, security and peace. Understanding their needs is the only way to work together toward solutions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mediation or Arbitration for My Separation?

November 29, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Mediation and arbitration both offer viable alternatives to traditional court battles in separation negotiations. The choice between them ultimately depends on the specific circumstances of the couple. In my first call with potential clients, I ask them to consider their willingness to cooperate, the complexity of the issues, and financial constraints to decide on the process that’s best for them.

Mediation: The Non-Adversarial Route

Mediation is often hailed as a non-adversarial approach to conflict resolution, because it enables couples to retain control over their divorce negotiations while working with a neutral third party, the mediator. The mediator does not have the authority to make binding decisions but facilitates productive discussions between the parties. This approach has its pros and cons.

Pros of Mediation:

· Control and Collaboration: Mediation empowers couples to take an active role in shaping the outcome. It encourages open communication, negotiation, and finding mutually acceptable solutions, which can be particularly beneficial when children are involved.

· Cost-Effective: Mediation typically costs far less than arbitration. It is based on hourly fees for the mediator's services, making it a more budget-friendly option for most couples.

· Faster Resolution: Mediation often leads to quicker resolutions, as couples can schedule sessions at their convenience and even meet privately between sessions to resolve some issues.

· Preservation of Relationships: Since mediation fosters cooperation rather than confrontation, it can help preserve or even improve the post-divorce relationship, especially important when co-parenting.

· Long Term Compliance: Since parties themselves arrived at the decision, they are more likely t comply with it than in cases where one party is unhappy with the arbitrator’s decision.

· Lawyer Support: Terms agreed upon in mediation, including complex financial issues, can be reviewed by lawyers, who offer advice along the way or at the end, and convert the terms into legally binding Separation Agreement.

Cons of Mediation:

· Lack of Binding Decisions: The mediator's role is limited to facilitating discussions. If either party is unwilling to cooperate or unable to make decisions, there is no certainty that an agreement will be reached.

· Power Imbalance: In cases where one party is more assertive or articulate, the mediator may struggle to balance power dynamics.

Arbitration: The Binding Out-of-Court Alternative

Arbitration offers a different approach. It is an adversarial process where each party presents their case to a neutral arbitrator who renders a final, legally binding decision. It is well-suited for situations where the parties cannot reach a consensus through negotiation or have concerns about a good-faith process.

Pros of Arbitration:

· Binding Decisions: There is certainty in advance that the arbitrator will make a decision, which provides a sense of confidence in the finality of the process.

· Duration: In cases when parties are indecisive or arguing back and forth, arbitration can arrive at a conclusion in a shorter time.

Cons of Arbitration:

· Costly: Arbitration is typically much more expensive than mediation, primarily due to the hourly rates associated with the arbitrator's services.

· Less Control: Couples have less control over the process and the final decision. The arbitrator, not the parties, has the authority to make the call.

· Adversarial Nature: The adversarial process may escalate tensions and hinder amicable post-divorce relationships, which can be particularly detrimental when children are involved.

Pros of Both, Compared with Court

· Privacy: Arbitration and mediation are both entirely private, unlike court results which are on the public record.

· Convenience: Mediation and arbitration are both more convenient when offered in private practice, since sessions can be scheduled to the convenience of all parties

· Duration: Court battles are notoriously lengthy, involving many steps in a system that is often overloaded and backlogged with cases.

Cons of Both, Compared with Court

· Cost: Both mediation and arbitration have hourly fees for the mediator or arbitrator. Those fees expand greatly if you also choose to include lawyers in the process. Self-representation in court has lower costs.

· Public Record: Some people may wish to have the details of their marriage made public, particularly in cases when abuse has taken place.

Finding the Right Approach for Your Divorce

In most cases, for couples who aim to retain decision-making control, maintain a cooperative relationship, and keep costs in check, mediation is the preferable choice. It encourages open communication, focuses on interests rather than rights, and aims to find mutually beneficial solutions. However, it is essential that both parties are rational decision-makers, willing to negotiate in good faith.

On the other hand, if one party is uncooperative or indecisive, arbitration may be a better option. It ensures that a binding decision is made, reducing the risk of an inconclusive process. Ultimately, the choice between them depends on how challenging a couple believes it will be to come to an agreement together.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

An Objective Advisor Can Offer a Shoulder to Cry On Balancing Empathy with Objectivity in Divorce Mediation

October 27, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Separation and divorce can unleash powerful emotions, including anger, anxiety, betrayal, and grief. My role as a mediator is to help couples navigate their emotions while adhering to the principles of Canadian family law. It can be a tightrope walk, where empathy and objectivity must be carefully balanced.

In my family mediation practice, I offer a safe space where clients can pour out their pain, anger, and heartache. I strive to validate their feelings and allow them to vent their emotions (mostly in private), so they can come more calmly to the negotiation table.

Yet, there's an unyielding truth that many clients find hard to accept. Divorce in Canada is a no-fault process. No matter how saintly or devilish one party may seem, emotions do not sway the scales of justice in family law. Except in extreme cases, each party has equal access to the children and the finances. It's a hard pill to swallow, and it can feel like a bitter betrayal of one's own pain, yet part of my job is to educate clients to come to terms with the fact that they may be living half of the time away from their children, or making regular payments to a person they no longer like.

Infidelity, for example, is irrelevant. The guiding star is whatever is in the best interest of the child or children, despite of their personal grievances as spouses or parents. The law is clear that the best interest of the child normally entails a strong bond with both parents and a standard of living that is relatively equal across both homes.

Sometimes it’s a hard call for us as professionals. On one hand, we risk being perceived as too soft, too immersed in the clients' emotions, bordering on practicing therapy. On the other, when emphasizing the legal parameters, we risk being seen as lacking empathy for the very real pain our clients are enduring.

We must be compassionate witnesses to the pain our clients express, while also being steadfast champions of the law's principles. We must be the calm voice that guides parties toward a respectful, level playing field where balanced negotiations can lead to greater understanding and a better future.

In the end, divorce mediation is about more than resolving disputes; it's about helping people rebuild their lives by becoming cooperative co-parents. It’s about facilitating a process that allows individuals to find closure, move forward, and learn open communication, all while recognizing the immense emotional weight they carry.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Is Mediation Right for Your Divorce? Not Necessarily. Watch For These Red flags

September 27, 2023 Mike MacConnell

As a family mediator, I am strong proponent of a facilitated, out-of-court process, but I always advise clients before we start that mediation is not the right choice for everyone. When couples decide to part ways, mediation can help them do so amicably, without resorting to a costly adversarial process, especially when children are involved. At its best, couples CAN reach a settlement while maintaining and even repairing how they communicate. But sometimes mediation may need to be postponed, adjusted, or terminated. It’s important to recognize whether the process is right for you. Watch out for these red flags.

Cases when mediation can be undertaken with accommodations

The Raw Emotions: Sometimes emotions are too overwhelming for successful mediation. If you or your spouse find it challenging to communicate calmly and rationally, it might still be the right process, just not the right time. Consider seeking individual therapy or counseling before attempting mediation, or just put the process on hold until emotions have settled.

Complex Legal or Financial Issues: If your situation is particularly complex, involving extensive assets, investments, or business interests, court can still be avoided by bringing in financial and/or legal professionals to offer advice during the mediation process.

Custody Battles: When child custody and visitation rights are contested, your mediator can undertake a VOC (voice of child) interviewing process or involve a psychologist, or parenting coordinator to reach resolution.

Cases when mediation may not be appropriate

Mental Health and Addiction Issues: Mediation requires clients to make rational decisions. It can be difficult to draw the line and say when mental health or substance abuse problems disqualify a person from making those decisions. When capacity is lacking or in doubt, mediation should be delayed until treatment has been received, or switched to court or arbitration so that decision-making is in the hands of a professional.

Hostility: Mediation only works when both parties come to the table with the intention of respectfully reaching a balanced agreement. If you or your spouse is repeatedly hostile, disrespectful, or refusing to listen, either in or outside sessions, then mediation should be discontinued. In my experience, hostile behaviour usually improves when it is not tolerated, and mediation can then resume.

Lack of Good Faith: Successful mediation requires compromise and a willingness to find common ground. If either party refuses to budge or make concessions along the way, you will need to explore other dispute resolution mechanisms such as arbitration or litigation in which decision-making authority is given over to a professional.

Hidden Assets: If a party is being dishonest about financial disclosures, mediation cannot proceed. An evidence-based, forensic process can uncover the truth and ensure a fair distribution. These unfortunate situations entail a much more drawn out and expensive process.

Safety Concerns: If there's a history of domestic violence or abuse, mediation may not be safe. Safety and well-being should always come first. If you are in fear, consult with police and consider seeking a protective order. In cases of coercive control, a form of abuse in which there is often no physical violence, the police will typically not get involved. The controlled person should see a social worker for psychological support and to protect children, including advocating for slowing down implementation of shared parenting arrangements. Kyra's Law, newly introduced by the Canadian parliament, requires lawyers, mediators and judges to make a concerted effort to protect children in shared custody arrangements with an abusive or potentially abusive parent.

In summary, family mediation can be an excellent tool for couples who are willing and able to seek an amicable divorce, but in some cases, it would require accommodations, or perhaps not be the right choice for you. Keep in mind that every divorce is unique, and the most suitable approach needs to align with your situation and needs.

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Stop Focusing on What’s Wrong; Start Looking at What's Right How to Get Along Better? Uncover the Positive Needs

August 31, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Conflict is a natural part of human interaction, but the way we handle it often determines whether it escalates into a destructive cycle or becomes an opportunity for growth. In many conflicts, individuals tend to focus on the negative aspects of the other person's behavior, often leading to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and further animosity. What if there was a different way to approach conflict resolution—one that seeks to understand the positive motivations behind dysfunctional behavior? In this article, we'll explore the idea of looking for positive, health-seeking motives behind conflicts and how it can pave the way for more effective and harmonious resolutions.

It's a common tendency to become experts in pinpointing each other's flaws and shortcomings during conflict. When we disapprove of someone’s dysfunctional or harmful behaviour, our natural reaction is to assume negative intentions behind those actions. However, by shifting our perspective, we can begin to unravel deeper motives that drive these actions.

Consider a situation where a teenager rebels and becomes disrespectful towards adults. This triggers reactions that are normally confrontational. The adult gets upset, assuming conflict and disrespect to have been the motive. Let’s take a step back and consider the healthy intentions behind it.

Rather than jumping to conclusions about malicious intent, it's worth delving deeper into the reasons behind someone's actions. Although the behavior created conflict, the underlying drive is more likely a desire for autonomy. The teenager's actions may be stemming from a healthy need to assert independence and establish their identity.

By recognizing the positive motivation of seeking autonomy, we can now shift the conversation from judgement to curiosity. Instead of simply reprimanding the teenager, a more constructive approach would involve inviting the youth to explore their motives, acknowledging their need for autonomy, while also establishing boundaries that respect both parties' perspectives.

Identifying positive motivations doesn't mean condoning disruptive behavior. Rather, this approach opens the door to collaborating to find common ground, set boundaries and work toward solutions that address everyone's needs. A difficult conversation now becomes an opportunity for you to point out that just as they have a legitimate need for autonomy (or novelty, or excitement or whatever) you also have legitimate needs that deserves equal respect, perhaps in your case for connection, (or order or peace). When two conflicting parties understand and validate each other's underlying motivations, they can reframe the conversation and work as equals toward a resolution. This not only satisfies more of each person’s needs, it also shifts the relationship toward greater reciprocity.

Romantic couples I work with are often at odds due to differences in communication styles. Instead of casting blame and assuming negative intentions, they can engage in a conversation that explores the health-seeking intentions behind each communication preference. One person finds silence calming, yet may be viewed by their partner as uncaring, while the other’s desire for connection might be interpreted as intrusive and controlling. But the healthier needs for peacefulness and connection are both legitimate. Once this is recognized, they can shift from the unhappy impact to the health-seeking needs and begin working together to find strategies to meet the deeper needs in new ways

When you make an effort to uncover the positive intentions hidden behind unwanted behaviours , you’re on the way to building empathy, bridging gaps, and creating solutions that benefit everyone involved. You’re on a journey that builds stronger relationships along the way.

All because you noticed the positive need that motivated the hurtful behaviour.

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Divorce Out of Court: It May Take More Than a Mediator

July 26, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Divorce is never a walk in the park. It’s a complex emotional journey that requires careful navigation. This is just as true if you are committed to resolving it out of court. Divorcing couples often utilize a wide range of professionals to ensure a rock-solid, legally valid, and bullet-proof agreement. This blog explores some of the experts you might want to consider on your divorce team.

A Mediator: Mediation can be essential to avoiding courtroom battles. As a neutral facilitator, they help you and your spouse reach agreements on various issues, including child custody, visitation schedules, and property division. They can offer strategic guidance and support throughout the process assisting as you navigate the emotional challenges, manage stress. With their assistance, you can maintain control over the decision-making process and work towards a mutually beneficial resolution.

A Family Lawyer isn’t necessary, contrary to popular belief. You can waive that option, but it isn’t recommended unless trust is very high and issues are very few. The mediator can provide legal information but can’t offer legal advice about your rights and obligations. For advice along the way, and a review of the Separation Agreement at the end, it’s smart to hire an experienced lawyer.

A Divorce Financial Expert can provide invaluable guidance in untangling the complex web of assets, liabilities and support obligations. They can help you understand the long-term financial implications of different settlement options and ensure that the lawyers are basing their advice on a fair division of property.

A Child Specialist can help assess and minimize the impact of the divorce on your children and provide recommendations for parenting schedules that prioritize their best interests. Their expertise can guide you in creating a parenting plan that promotes the healthiest possible environment for your children.

A Real Estate Appraiser is crucial for obtaining an accurate valuation if one party is buying out the other’s share of your home or other properties, thereby ensuring that the division of assets is based on fair and up-to-date valuations.

A Tax Specialist can help you understand the tax consequences of different settlement options, guide you in maximizing tax benefits, and ensure compliance with tax laws during property division and other financial matters.

A Pension Expert can provide guidance on the valuation and division of pensions. They analyze pension benefits, calculate present values, and assist in creating a fair and equitable distribution plan, considering factors such as retirement ages and survivor benefits.

A Business Valuator can determine its true value if you or your spouse own a business. They assess the financial health, assets, liabilities, and earning potential of the business to ensure an accurate representation for equitable division.

An Estate Planner revisits your estate planning documents, such as wills, trusts, and powers of attorney. Consulting with an estate planner can help you navigate the necessary updates to ensure your wishes are properly reflected, and your assets are protected for the future.

While mediation is an essential part of most out-of-court separation agreements, it’s essential to recognize the value of other professionals. Specialists provide knowledge and guidance to protect your interests and help you secure a balanced, bullet-proof agreement. Remember, every divorce is unique, and the need for additional professionals will vary depending on the complexity of your financial and family situation. Investing in professionals can provide the support necessary to navigate divorce successfully and save you money in the long run.

With the right team by your side, you can confidently move forward, knowing that you have the best agreement possible.

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Keeping Emotion in Check: 7 Ways to Tame the Tension in Divorce Negotiations

May 31, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Out-of-court divorce negotiations are highly charged. To save legal costs and get an agreement that works for everyone, you’ve got to stay calm. That’s easier said than done, especially when triggered by the situation. Whether you tend to yell or shut down, here are some practical steps to keep things calm and focused during your tough negotiations.

Seek a Compassionate Mediator

Finding a compassionate and empathetic mediator is essential. Look for someone who has experience working with divorcing couples, who understands the legal issues and emotional turmoil involved. A sensitive mediator will be attuned to your emotional triggers and create an environment where both parties can express their concerns without judgment or bias. Their ability to listen and offer support often makes the difference between agreement and breakdown.

Prepare Yourself Mentally

Before each mediation session, take some time to prepare yourself mentally. Take a few deep breaths and focus on your breathing. Remind yourself that you are going into this meeting with the goal of reaching an agreement that is fair to both you, your ex and your kids. You may also find it helpful to set an intention for the mediation, such as "I will remain calm and focused throughout this session."

Identify Your Triggers

Let your mediator know what gets you fuming or shuts you down. Tell them what topics, gestures or comments are most likely to set you off. By doing this, you allow the mediator to adopt an approach that supports you throughout the process. You can come up with a plan for how to deal with touchy topics. For example, if you know you ex makes comments that trigger you, you can arrange for a signal to alert the facilitator that they need to intervene.

Use "I" Statements

Using "I" statements can be a powerful tool for expressing your feelings and needs without coming across as aggressive or confrontational. For example, instead of saying "You're being unreasonable," you might say "I'm frustrated now because I don't feel like my concerns are being heard." By using "I" statements, you can communicate your feelings without making blame statements that put your ex on the defensive.

Respond to Escalation by “Going With” the Comment

Most of us push back when we hear things we disagree with. We challenge, counterattack, or provide information to correct the other person. That’s going to make them defensive and escalate things. If they have been insulting or hostile the mediator should take over. But even if they don’t, you can defuse the moment by “going with” the statement. Instead of “I am not being selfish” try “Tell me more. Help me understand what I’m I saying that makes you think I’m selfish?” If you have the patience to do this, I promise it will defuse their aggression.

Take Breaks

After point #5, you might feel yourself becoming overwhelmed. Then take a break. Taking a few minutes to step outside, take some deep breaths, or even just stretch your legs can be incredibly helpful in reducing your stress levels. Remember that it's better to take a break and come back to the conversation when you're feeling calmer than to continue the discussion while you're feeling triggered and risk making things worse.

Practice Active Listening

Finally, it's important to practice active listening during mediation. This means really listening to what your ex-partner is saying, and summarizing what you’ve heard to prove you were listening, whether you like it or not. By focusing on what your ex-partner is saying, you can better understand their perspective and work towards finding a solution that works for both of you.

In conclusion, negotiating a divorce can be a difficult and emotionally charged experience, but a sensitive mediator can help keep emotions in check and foster open dialogue. This helps create a shared understanding of each other's perspectives, facilitating the resolution of conflicts and enabling fair compromises. The guidance of a sensitive mediator can help you navigate difficult conversations and defuse potential triggers.

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How to Tell the Children You’re Getting Divorced

March 29, 2023 Mike MacConnell

With divorce comes grief over the loss of your identity as a couple and uncertainty about the future, then the hurdle of telling the news to the kids. You love them more than the world and want to spare them the worst. Yet they need to know that their lives are going to change in ways they won’t welcome. Is there a way to say it that minimizes the pain?

The answer is yes. You may want a mediator or child therapist to guide you, although you can do it safely yourselves if you follow these guidelines, keeping in mind that the approach you use will vary depending on their age. Telling the Kids: An Age By Age Guide.

Research is quite conclusive regarding best practices and suggests that when parents cooperate in presenting the news, the negative impact on kids is greatly minimized. You CAN deliver a message that is reassuring and hopeful, while modeling a positive response to change.

It's not just about the words. Your tone of voice and body language are equally important in communicating a message of reassurance. Here are some helpful hints for couples who can work together for the sake of their children.

1. Wait to tell them until after you have reached agreement on key issues relevant to their lives, and after you’ve agreed how you’ll be saying it. To do it right, it’s essential to get yourselves on the same page first.

2. Gather the family together, both parents and all the children. Keep your gaze calm and steady, posture upright, face and shoulders relaxed. “Your parents are going to separate. We will be living in separate houses, but we will always be united in our love and care for you. We have worked together on arrangements with your best interests in mind.” Saying something like this calmly, sitting next to one another, is a way to show it while saying it.

3. Keep it calm and simple, taking turns speaking so they hear it coming as a united message from both of you. Be prepared for emotional interruptions, and if they occur, go with the emotion rather than pushing against it. “I know this is upsetting. It is a big change, hard to accept” rather than “don’t worry, there’s nothing to be worried about.” Respond to strong emotion by asking questions rather than making assumptions and giving information.

4. That’s it. Now check in with them, responding at an age-appropriate level to whatever questions they have or emotions they express. Whether it’s anxiety, outrage or whatever, reassure them that the feelings are natural, understandable, and that you’ll all be working together to adjust to these changes.

5. After the conversation is done, you’ve just begun. Checking in with them over the coming days and weeks will be crucial. Stay attuned to what they don’t say as well as what they do. Glum silence may be the most troublesome behaviour. Get help as needed to empower them to accept the situation and express their needs.

Unwanted change is a fact of life. By working together to manage it, you model the calm assertiveness that helps your children grow into resilient adults.

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Why Advocates of Equity, Diversity, Inclusion Should Consider Meditation

February 22, 2023 Mike MacConnell

It is rare these days to hear a Canadian voice arguing against the idea of equity, diversity or inclusion, as most of us are rational and ethical enough to acknowledge those values. EDI (Equity, Diversity, Inclusion) goals are claimed now, not only by activists, but by governments, educational institutions and corporations. The challenge therefore is no longer to convince average Canadians that the goals of EDI are valid, rather to decide HOW best to implement those values so they become a lived reality.

I come to the conversation as a former teacher/co-owner of a private school that served bright underachievers. I am now an Accredited Family Mediator in the area of ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution). ADR is a relatively recent, evidence-based industry with much to offer the activists for social change. The fundamental message of ADR research is that conflict is most effectively resolved when opposing parties switch from an adversarial to a collaborative approach. I occasionally observe an adversarial tone being used by zealous EDI advocates. Doing so undermines the very principle of inclusion they intend to be support.

The collaborative approach of ADR requires a deep attitudinal shift. In any campaign for social change, there are valid arguments and legitimate emotions on the side of advocacy for immediate transformation as well as on the side of slower, gradual change. Individuals on each side naturally defend their own position while becoming hyper-aware on the faults of the other side. It is a recipe for escalation, with neither group grasping the legitimacy of the other group’s point of view. I am writing to suggest steps to prevent adversarial, ideological elements from taking over the conversation. For example, there is a contradiction between the stated goal of inclusion and the strategy of attempting to silence disparate voices. EDI raises delicate and difficult topics. Feelings run high on both sides and must be respected. Shutting down voices on either side of an issue isn’t the best strategy for attaining diversity or inclusion. It isolates each side from the other, thereby enhancing misunderstanding and narratives on both sides that demonize the other.

ADR strategies seek connection. By bringing different voices into non-adversarial conversation, an understanding can be built, leading eventually to solutions that address the legitimate interests of all parties. The starting point must be a willingness to listen respectfully to voices on all sides. The principle underlying ADR is that humans from competing groups have more needs in common than in conflict. All humans prefer security, peace, autonomy, connection and justice. Identity politics tend to define us by our differences, based on factors such as race, nationality, ethnicity, disability, sexual identity, wealth. These differences are important and true, but obscure the deeper underlying commonalities.

We all need healing. We all suffer from emotional wounds and insecurities that blind us at times to the hardship of others. Authentic conversation with members of an unfamiliar community can spark deep reflection that shifts individuals from defensiveness and anger toward open collaboration. Those born into privilege can shift from guilt or denial about the advantages they possess to empathy, by listening respectfully to the life experiences of the disadvantaged. Those in marginalized communities can shift away from a stance of judgement and anger, however justified those emotions may be, and seek instead to understand the dilemma faced by the colonizers’ descendants.

Meaningful inclusion can only be established when we seek more authentic communication that goes beyond judgement, beyond ideology and asks us to meet one another as struggling human beings who jointly seek greater justice for all. Judgement is a risky strategy when the speaker claims higher ground in judgement over another person or group’s perspective. We can judge our own and others’ behaviours; but to judge the person pits us against the person instead of the behaviour, thereby defining the person by the deed. Understanding grows when we sit at the same level around the circle, all of us seeking greater wisdom and growth. These principles of ADR are borrowed in part from indigenous communities. The formalities are different, but the goal is the same: not to shame, punish or exclude those who have done harm, (or who are descended from those who have done harm), rather to bring them into community with those who have been harmed or excluded from the dominant narrative.

Some promoters of ADR employ a tone that sabotages the stated goal by excluding or presuming superiority over other voices. True inclusion moves from the surface to the depth. Instead of heightening our awareness of differences, we would be wise to shift the conversation in a more colour-blind direction, toward the deeper underlying commonalities shared by all justice-seeking communities. And then to invite all voices to share in the conversation.

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How to Raise the Topic of Separation or Divorce

November 30, 2022 Mike MacConnell

With 40% of Canadian marriages ending in divorce, the question of how one partner should raise the topic is as common as it is crucial. When a spouse broaches it skillfully, the steps that follow flow more safely and smoothly.

To Start

1. Self-care comes first. Take time to create the space you need to reflect deeply on your own and your family’s needs.

2. Recognize that the best interest for everyone is a renewed relationship in which differences are respectfully managed.

3. Is it possible to improve the relationship? Talk about it with your partner. Listen. Seek advice and professional help. Separation is the last resort.

4. Ask yourself whether you are clear in your own mind that separation is the solution.

5. If you decide it’s over, think about freedom for both spouses, not about winning.

6. Think flexibly about how assets might be divided and children raised. Be ready with suggestions for when you talk to your partner.

7. Don’t stick it out “for the kids” It’s better to be FROM a conflict-ridden home than IN one.

Next Steps Depend on The Stage You’re In

1. Undecided

a) Raise the concerns you have with your partner at a time and place that are comfortable, private and not rushed.

b) Seek collaboration on mutual goals and steps to manage differences more effectively.

c) If the topic is too dangerous to discuss, or if, after a number of approaches, the other party refuses to acknowledge the legitimacy of your concerns, then it’s likely already too late.

d) Make it about you. Your wishes, fears, goals. NOT about blame. Not about threats. Present an open, vulnerable heart. Inquire what your partner thinks, feels, wants.

e) Inquire about their goals that are not being met. Listen. Breathe. Respond to their responses.

f) Encourage your spouse to be a partner in the project of renewal. If not, take time, reflect, try again.

g) Have a strategy for cooling off. Ie. “I know this is difficult – let’s think about it for a couple of days and talk again.”

2. You’ve Decided. Communication is Possible

a) Be direct, clear, decisive and responsive. Listen deeply. Speak without blame.

b) Focus on positive values, on paths to the future NOT faults of the past.

c) Frame the decision to separate as a mutual project in your family’s best interest.

d) Seek collaboration to uncouple consciously, with positive role-modeling for kids.

e) Allow space for both of you to process these changes. Don’t rush things.

f) Team up to research low cost, low-conflict options to court, such as marriage counselling, communication coaching and mediation.

3. You’ve Decided. Communication is Low-to-Nonexistent

a) Strategize ways to communicate that are least likely to trigger them or create additional conflict for you, such as those mentioned in section 2, above.

b) Consider having a support person present.

c) Perhaps express your decision via a letter or email (dated and copied).

d) Meet with a lawyer or family mediator to learn your rights and procedural options.

e) Allow space for them to process the news. Suggest opportunities to meet/discuss safely, calmly.

f) Research out-of-court processes and present names of skilled mediators and collaborative lawyers to reduce risk of a court battle.

g) Have a safety plan in case this escalates to group 4.

4. You’ve Decided. You’re Afraid of Reprisal

a) In cases of coercive controlling abuse, prepare carefully in advance of taking steps.

b) Do NOT attempt to salvage the relationship. Abusive behaviour will reappear.

c) Secrecy and isolation assist the abuser. Seek advice and support from others. Engage family, friends, medical team, Children’s Aid Society, shelter services, and/or police.

d) Separate your bank accounts and credit cards.

e) With assistance, create a safety plan including alternate housing and if possible, a separate source of income prior to leaving.

f) Make arrangements to leave the home while the other party is out.

g) Use a 3rd party to provide notification of your decision to seek legal separation.

h) Research ways to proceed that don’t involve a court battle. Less traumatic options do exist such as mediation with a support person and at a separate location from the other party.

None of it is easy. It may be one of the most difficult periods of your life. Be assured, however, that the care you put into it ahead of time will spare enormous problems in the future.

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Collaborative Law – A Good Idea with The Right Lawyers

October 30, 2022 Mike MacConnell

I was contacted this week by a couple whose separation I mediated almost two years ago. When we were almost done they moved on to a pair of collaborative lawyers to tie up financial loose ends.

They are asking me now to help them complete that agreement without lawyers. They explained that the two “collaborative lawyers” they hired had made no progress, and barely communicated with them over the intervening two years. The couple is furious, and wants nothing to do with lawyers of any kind.

This case dramatically drove home the truth that just because a lawyer calls themself collaborative does not mean they are non-adversarial, efficient or responsive.

Collaborative family law is a relatively new approach to separation and divorce in Ontario. To quote google: “The goal of collaborative family law (CFL) is to allow parties, in the midst of a divorce or separation, to work collaboratively with each other, their lawyers, and other third-party specialists to reach a mutually acceptable resolution of the issues stemming from the breakdown of their marriage.”

Most importantly, they accomplish this without going to court. In fact, if the collaborative process breaks down and clients do go to court, lawyers who have signed a collaborative agreement are required to resign from the case. This ensures commitment from all participants.

In principle, this is far superior to old style, adversarial courtroom combat. Finding a “mutually acceptable resolution” allows decision-making to reside with the clients, and with their lawyers, rather than handing that power over to a judge.

I work closely on a team with two collaborative lawyers who engage promptly in a manner that is truly collaborative. They communicate regularly with clients and other professionals on the team to ensure that a lasting, comprehensive agreement is reached in a few months. Each lawyer is still obligated to work zealously for the welfare of their client. But they see the bigger picture to consider, including the best interest of children and emotional interests that may be as important to their client as the money. They listen to their client, provide legal advice, then pass the case along to me, as the facilitator, to help the clients reach a settlement within the legal model that is unique to their own situation.

They even offer a flat rate package, so clients know in advance exactly what their costs will be, provided undue conflicts don’t arise.

What’s the bottom line? Should you be seeking a collaborative team?

My advice is “yes IF”.

Yes if you and your Ex are genuinely committed to a peaceful, out of court settlement.

And yes if you get satisfactory answers to these questions before signing on to any collaborative law agreement:

1. Do you offer a flat rate fee? If not, what is your hourly rate?

2. How regularly will you communicate with the other lawyer?

3. How regularly, and by what means, do you communicate with me?

4. Do you accept terms in the agreement I might want that don’t follow your legal advice?

5. Will you include less expensive neutrals in the process, such as a mediator or certified divorce financial expert?

So now I’m back working with the frustrated couple, to help them finalize their agreement.

I have informed them not all lawyers are inefficient or poor communicators. I will advice them to hire new ones to review their settlement, once we complete it. Although a divorce can be obtained without legal advice, they will have much greater protection if they do. Only this time I will make sure I refer them to lawyers who I know can be trusted to complete it promptly and efficiently.

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Finding Resilience: An Attitude of Abundance

September 29, 2022 Mike MacConnell

I come into contact regularly with people in crisis. Tension is extreme and resiliency most needed when their emotional resources are most drained. It might be a parent in the midst of a separation wondering “How will I provide for my children? Am I destined to a life of loneliness?”

The uncertainty can be terrifying. For some it is traumatic, prompting resentment and a bitter feeling that the situation, or maybe life as a whole, is unjust and unfair. But the following quotation from Hamlet happens to be true: “There’s nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” It’s only bad if you believe it to be.

The stories we tell ourselves become self-fulfilling prophecies. If you believe you are a decent person with sufficient resources, you will be more likely to willingly accept hardship and thereby find ways to succeed. Conversely, by focusing on what you lack, you sap yourself of the will to make an effort.

It isn’t about pretending everything’s OK. Resilience is about making the effort to shift your attitude away from despair. What appears in the moment to be an unremitting disaster can in fact be a wake-up call.

My job as a mediator involves coaching you in those vulnerable moments, when you are most overwhelmed and least able to think clearly. I acknowledge, yes, that things are unpleasant. You didn’t want this. But I encourage you to shift your mindset. Resentful anger or despair prompt you to fixate on what’s wrong and on who’s to blame, preventing you from considering the most effective next steps.

In other words, RESILIENCE CAN BE LEARNED. It’s a matter of attitude.

Stephen Covey, in his 1989 bestseller Seven Habits of Highly Effective People coined the notion of “an abundance versus a scarcity mindset”. In the intervening decades, positive psychology and the success of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy have largely confirmed Covey’s view that mental health is to a large extent determined by how we think about life’s struggles.

So seek out abundance. This isn’t magical thinking. You recognize the problem and face it squarely, but direct your attention toward the resources at hand that ARE available, rather than lamenting those that aren’t.

Here are a few additional suggestions about how to convert your conflict into connection and unwanted change into new growth.

List resources available to you, both inside and out.

· See this change as an opportunity to fix what’s wrong with your life.

· Be grateful for what is going well.

· Seek out people who have a buoyant attitude toward life and hardship.

· Accept that resolving conflict can benefit both sides.

An abundance mindset will help you grow from resentment to resilience and from victim to victor.

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