Why Mediation Works

People hate to be in conflict. Shifting the lens can help.

As a mediator, I facilitate difficult conversations, most often between family members whose emotional issues with one another may have been brewing for decades. The threads of misunderstanding are always difficult to untangle. Yet most of these conversations work out well – surprisingly well from the viewpoint of participants who often begin with negative expectations. I count on the fact that people dislike being entrenched in conflict. They are hungry for healing. When offered an attentive ear and a safe space, most individuals open up. They speak honestly and learn to listen responsively to one another’s point of view. They hear and are surprised by one another’s pain. People feel relief because they feel heard and have gained a new perspective on an old story. The process reduces bitter feelings and helps repair relationships. 

That is my experience most of the time. People are willing to change the lens through which they view their conflict, and to see matters from a new point of view.  

I am often moved by moments of beauty in these conversations, by a sudden breakthrough that enables one person to see the other in a new light. Moments like that explain why I love the work. There are also slower transformations that gradually cause one family member to appreciate the hidden motivations of another, and thereby rebuild empathy and respect.  

When the opposite occurs, it can be disappointing. I’ve never seen a case when dislike or distrust is greater at the end of the process than it was at the beginning. But sometimes one party or both are unwilling to consider the situation in a new light. This might happen because a person doesn’t get that mediation doesn’t work like court. It doesn’t investigate fact scenarios, doesn’t seek “objective truth” or try to judge whose story is most truthful.  Disputes over facts aren’t the focus of our discussions. The goal is to rebuild a respectful relationship, and we do that by focusing on practical, soloution-oriented questions. “What behaviours do we need to agree on for things to be better in the future?” 

The idea of “shifting the lens” to see the conflict in a new way is asking a lot.  Change is always frightening and never easy. It requires significant courage and humility to consider conscious, willing change. In the short run it may appear safer to insist that their own version of truth is the whole truth, to stay secure in the story as they have told it. But those who remain unwilling to look through a new lens, who try to play it safe, are sadly not the most successful at resolving their conflict. 

My heart goes out to those people. I respect their wishes, their timing, their goals. It’s not for me to say if, or how, or when they should change. But I can’t help wishing I had a way to encourage them to consider shifting their approach. I keep looking for ways to help family members view themselves and others through a new lens. 

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Mediation is Restorative Justice

I’ve heard the term “restorative justice”. What does it mean?

You may have heard it on the news regarding criminal cases. Restorative justice “seeks to repair harm by providing an opportunity for those harmed and those who take responsibility for the harm to communicate about and address their needs in the aftermath of a crime.” https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/rj-jr/index.html

The government’s definition is overly narrow. Yes, it’s an attempt to repair harm. But R.J. can be employed between people whenever harm occurs, not only in “the aftermath of a crime”.

In my practice as a family and workplace mediator, for example, I facilitate conversations to resolve disputes and repair relationships in cases where individuals feel harmed even though no crime has occurred.

Mediation is growing in popularity and provides an important format in which restorative justice can occur.

What are its goals?

Retributive justice is the typical response to harm. The justice system determines guilt and then punishes the guilty party, often by sending them to jail. Likewise, employers might fire an employee or principals expel a student.

Restorative justice has the opposite goal – to repair harm by allowing parties to communicate. The goal is to integrate parties and enhance connection.

How does RJ work?

In essence, it’s about hosting an opportunity for willing parties to communicate with one another. But the format varies enormously depending on the degree of prior harm and who hosts the conversation.

Can you provide some examples?

In Indigenous communities, which first developed restorative justice, the process involves a healing circle in which members of the community, not only the parties in dispute, have a chance to participate, listen and be heard. It’s an effort to unify the community. Restorative Justice Circles on this model have recently become more and more popular in non-indigenous settings such as schools and workplaces.

For cases within the criminal justice system, the “offender” and “victim” are brought into a safe, facilitated conversation, as an adjunct to the court process or in lieu of it, with lawyers and/or other support persons present. A sexual offender, for example, might hear a victim impact statement directly from the offended party. The process is dramatic and can be very healing.  http://restorativejustice.org/about-us/stories/how-i-got-an-apology-from-my-abuser/8/#sthash.bY4fbquS.dpbs

In my mediation practice with families and in workplaces I avoid terms like “victim” and “offender” since each participant is likely to feel harmed and a solution, not judgement, is the goal. Divorce cases can be particularly traumatic. Often both parties feel unfairly treated. Facilitated conversations help participants understand the impact of their behaviour on one another. Mutual understanding then enables them to agree on how to act in future.

What is the Main Benefit of Restorative Justice?

Restorative justice can’t guarantee to repair your relationship, but going to court or filing a workplace grievance does guarantee to harm it, since your objective in those settings is not to understand the other person but to prove them wrong.

The clients I work with were once in relationships that worked. They once saw the best in one another. In conflict we lose that insight. Building evidence in a case to prove the other person wrong tends to trigger them to defend and counter-attack. Repair becomes possible, and occurs surprisingly quickly, when the approach is one of speaking from the heart and being heard.

Not all disputes require restorative justice. But when they arise where relationships matter, then looking into a restorative justice approach is almost always the wisest first step.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Introducing Mike MacConnell and Reflective Mediation

Ten years ago, in 2011, I came to a crossroads in my life when my first marriage and first business came to an end.  Blindsided by those failures, I was forced to re-examine my lifelong aversion to conflict and how it had prevented me from resolving disputes with my business partner and ex-wife.

I didn’t just rethink my approach, I spent three years studying dispute resolution at university and made it the centre of my new career.  Today I’m an Accredited Family and Workplace Mediator and Certified Communication Coach. In 2014 I founded Reflective Mediation, a dispute resolution and training service, and in 2016 published The Yoga of Divorce: A Mindful Route to Resolving Disputes.

It has been satisfying to help others repair relationships and relieve their distress.

When the process is properly managed, a well-trained mediator ensures a safe and confidential space in which to address emotionally charged topics, with or without a support person by your side. Demanding mutual respect between conflicting parties helps them move toward agreement.

A facilitated conversation really does work. It guides parties to slow down, to get curious about the other person and really LISTEN for what matters.  Curiosity motivates listening; listening builds understanding, and understanding generates empathy. I observe this with clients on a regular basis. Even when individuals have radically different values, needs and opinions, the dawning of respect enables them to work together to generate an agreement.

The effort pays off when relationships really matter. I have experienced success with:

·       Families and couples seeking to reconnect and rebuild their relationship;

·       Married and common-law couples seeking an amicable separation agreement that works for them and their children;

·       Solving workplace disputes between colleagues or between employees and management.

 Reflective Mediation provides four main services:

1.     Private coaching. I help an individual to clarify goals, build communication skills and refine strategies to realize those goals;

2.     2-party mediation. I serve two people who voluntarily agree to work with me as an impartial facilitator to negotiate an agreement suitable to them both. I manage the process (quite fiercely when needed) but don’t dictate the outcome. Participants are the experts in their problem and create their own solution.

3.     Multi-party Restorative Justice Circle. Offered to groups of up to 12, the circle process ensures that all parties get heard and the group can come to an agreement that acknowledges multiple viewpoints.

4.     Dispute Resolution Workshops. Customized for groups of up to 20, these highly interactive training sessions build practical skills of conflict management, tailored to the needs of your group.

I’m available week-days 9-5, most evenings and Sunday afternoons. I work primarily via zoom teleconferencing, although as Covid lifts I’m also meeting in person with clients in the Greater Toronto Area. I charge $200 per hour plus HST for each of the above services. That fee is split between clients when more than one participant is involved.

On my website www.ReflectiveMediation.ca you’ll find a virtual scheduling calendar, which allows you to book a free-of-charge initial consultation at a time convenient for you. I encourage you to schedule a free session to share your story and find out whether my service fits your goals.

How to Know if Mediation is Right for Your Divorce: The Goldilocks Solution

COVID-19 restrictions have brought Jill and Ron’s marriage to the brink. They’ve agreed to divorce but not to much else. Ron thinks they should hire lawyers to work it out in court and suck up the costs. Jill doesn’t want to spend all that money and time or hand over decision-making power to a judge. To her it’s a no-brainer to hire a mediator to help work things out between them more amicably, quickly and inexpensively.

Is mediation the right solution? It often is, for a number of reasons:

1.     You meet on your own time, at your own convenience, not when the court dictates. It can take a few weeks or months - not a few years as court often does.

2.     You construct your own agreement including terms that make sense to you. The mediator facilitates the conversation but can’t impose any decision.

3.     Costs are lower for two reasons: first, you split the mediator’s fees, rather than each paying the higher hourly fee of a lawyer; second, it almost always requires fewer hours.

4.     Co-parenting is easier after facilitated problem-solving sessions. There is a chance of improving ongoing communications, which is a big win for your children.

5.     Privacy is a guarantee in mediation, unlike court proceedings which are open to public scrutiny.

Mediation is preferred by more and more couples these days, and is successful 85% of the time. That missing 15% shows that it’s not always the best process for everyone. It is “The Goldilocks Solution” for parties who get along “just right”. Exceptions occur when conflict is too low or too high.

Too Low:

If Ron and Jill can amicably work out an agreement at the kitchen table, why hire a neutral third party? They can save the cash. They will only need lawyers at the end, to provide legal advice and prepare a Separation Agreement.

Too High:

If conflict escalates, Jill and Ron won’t negotiate well. This is a judgement call, unique to each case, but generally mediation is NOT recommended when any of the following questions is answered with “yes”:

·     does a history of abuse in the relationship prevent one party from negotiating on his or her own behalf?

·       does substance abuse or a mental health problem prevent Ron or Jill from rational problem solving?

·       is emotional turmoil at a peak, preventing one or both from listening?

·       is one party unwilling or unable to negotiate in good faith?

These situations give cause to pause, although they don’t necessarily preclude mediation. Sometimes it’s best to delay until parties calm down. Perhaps the couple can wait until medical or therapeutic support has been provided.

Mediators are also trained to offer accommodations such as inviting a lawyer or support person into sessions. Shuttle mediation can also be used to keep parties in separate rooms.

Most separating couples are in the Goldilocks middle range, with conflict neither too high or too low, but just right.

To learn more about Divorce Mediation: ReflectiveMediation.ca

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Steps to Expect When You Give Me a Call

Reflective Mediation is about solving relationship problems by improving communication. You will be dealing directly with me, Mike MacConnell (and my intern for cases of separation and divorce).  Whether through remote video-conference (especially during Covid) or in person, mediation clients meet face-to-face in respectful, facilitated conversations, to arrive at mutual agreement on their issues. Coaching clients work with me privately, face-to-face or by phone.

Inquiry by Email

Our work together usually begins with  an email inquiry to (mike@reflectivemediation.ca or mikegmacconnell@gmail.com) I’ll reply asap answering any initial questions and scheduling a telephone call. If your first inquiry is by telephone, we’re already at the next step.

Telephone Conversation

I call this the “business call”. We arrange for me to call you, or you call 416-433-1314, essentially to vet one another. You want to get a sense of whether you would feel comfortable in this process, working with me, and to have your questions answered, while I’m determining whether your goals, needs and issues are well matched by my skill set.

This call is entirely free of charge, fully confidential, and usually takes about 30 to 45 minutes.

I want to get the broad strokes of your situation. I’ll be listening carefully to understand what the issues are, the obstacles you fear and what goals matter most. Next, I need to ensure you are making a fully informed decision before deciding on the process. These are my practical goals.

I’m also dedicated to a psychological goal. I frequently hear from people in pain, people who feel depleted, discouraged and stuck. My goal is to reassure every client that even the most dire situations CAN improve with calm self-care and respectful communication.

Getting Hired

Those calling about private coaching can move directly to financial arrangements once they have decided to move forward. In mediation cases, because another party is involved, I require a similar, no-charge “business call”. Fully-informed, voluntary decisions are essential from each participant. Once all parties have agreed to move forward, I email an Invoice for payment.

Fees

My standard hourly rate is $190 + HST = $215/hr. Flexible rates can be negotiated on an as-needed basis. Each party normally pays an equal share, thus $107.50/hr. each for a 2-party mediation. I ask for a retainer, preferably by e-transfer, representing anywhere from 3 to 10 hours, depending on the case.

I keep detailed docket on an excel spreadsheet which can be shared at any time upon request.

Any unused portion of the retainer is refunded immediately upon termination of our work together, regardless of the reason for its termination.

Once Hired

Our first conversation upon being hired will be a private, confidential Intake Session. This is the chance for the mediator to screen for trigger issues, and to allow each party to provide more detailed information about their situation, including things they might not wish to share during a joint joint session.

In cases of separation and divorce, each party will be emailed an Agreement to Mediate Form and a Mediation Intake Form to be completed and returned prior to the first Joint Session.

Joint Sessions

We now bring participants together for conversations directed toward respectful listening and collaborative solutions. This brings us into the heart of our work.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Why Don’t Men See It Coming?

I’m a family mediator. I get in the middle of other people’s problems. Things can get loud at times, but I wouldn’t be invited if things were going well.

My clients are most often couples seeking to separate or to save their marriage, but may be siblings who have fallen out of touch, parents at odds with their teenage children or adult children disagreeing about end of life care for their elderly parent. Every situation is unique.

The primary goal, however, is nearly always the same: to find answers to the issues that keep triggering conflict in the relationship. In short, to improve communication.

Participants are often shocked by how quickly they reach agreement, once they get to the table. As the mediator, I’m shocked by how long it takes them to get to the table.  

Here’s another puzzling thing I’ve noticed: it’s almost always the woman who reaches out first.

I’ve had dozens and dozens of cases in my career, and in more than 80% of those cases, the first contact is initiated by a female. What’s going on with that? Why are women the ones who seek help? There are just as many men as women in difficult relationships, just as many men who are suffering emotional pain or hanging on in situations that are stressful.

Why aren’t the men doing the google search and emailing or picking up the phone? 

Take heterosexual couples for example. Almost every case is initiated by the woman, who reports she is “living in parallel”, experiencing minimal intimacy or feeling taken for granted. The man may be a good father, yet acts like he’s on auto-pilot in the relationship, shrugging off her complaints saying “things aren’t really that bad”, dismissing her unhappiness as “an over-reaction”, avoiding the conversation by saying “why can’t we just relax and have fun like we used to?”.

He may look like he doesn’t care but most often he does and just doesn’t know how to express it. That’s what’s so tragic. When she finally says “I’m fed up. I want a divorce,” he feels blindsided. By the time they arrive in mediation he’s the one who presents as most devastated. 

Once our work begins, men are equally able to listen respectfully, to articulate their needs and collaborate on solutions. They are as willing as the women to practice the communication skills I teach, and just as appreciative when they succeed.

So why aren’t they as quick to admit the dysfunction and seek solutions before things fall off the rails?

Is there a way to shake men awake before they wake up alone? Anything helpful you or I can say?

The vulnerability that some men fear (and therefore avoid) is actually the door to their deepest strength and connection. The door can be opened with honest communication, if only they could see it that way.

If you have any thoughts on how to pass men the key, please share your suggestions in the comments below.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Reduce Conflict in Social Isolation

It’s a blessing to have company during social isolation. But it can feel like a curse.

Pick your issue - one way or another, many of us feel triggered and ready to snap at our partners, roommates or children when we’re stuck home with one another – and there’s no place to get away.

For example:

·       She predicts global catastrophe with an air of certainty that you find pompous and depressing.

·       His advice on how to do household chores makes it sound like he thinks you’re incompetent.

Here are a few tips on managing your response when you’re tempted to snap.

What if instead of getting caught up in judging your partner, or feeling criticized, you recognized the other’s behaviour as useful, incoming information about how it is for them? What if you assumed the other person was doing the best they could?  Try finding out. A dose of sincere curiosity can shift the outcome from conflict to connection.

It’s called an Aikido Approach*. Simply put, it’s about “going with” instead of pushing back.

Here’s how it might play out when you feel irritated or overwhelmed:

·       First, get quietly centred in yourself. Check in on your agitated reaction.

·       Notice your impulse. Name it to yourself. Take a slow, conscious breath.

·       “Go with” the other person’s words. Assume their behaviour is a legitimate expression of what they need now. Cultivate curiosity about that.  

·       Inquire into what it looks and feels like for them.

To the global catastrophist you might say:

·       “Tell me more. Your predictions sound pretty dire and scary.   Should I be scared? Do you want to talk it through?”

·       “Are there any steps you think we should be taking to prevent that from happening?”

·       “What are your suggestions about how we can prepare in case that occurs?”

In response to advice on household chores you might say:

·       “I get that doing chores correctly matters a lot to you. We share that. If I did them my way, please explain what you are worried would happen?”

·       “When I hear your advice, it sounds like you doubt my ability. That is upsetting for me. What impact were you hoping to have?” 

·       “Can you suggest a way for us to discuss this more skillfully?”

It’s called an Aikido approach after the martial art that neutralizes conflict without unnecessary force or injury to either side. When someone comes at you, (or their words do) you simply get out of the way and add your own energy to theirs. You unbalance the other’s position, without aggression. Applied to relationships, the Aikido approach defuses conflict by helping you understand the other person, even if you don’t always agree.

Curiosity is hard to summon when you disagree or feel hurt. The natural reaction is to resist, correct, argue, inform, or get even.  It isn’t easy to put your reactions on hold; but curiosity works. It requires an attitude of acceptance, a centred willingness to “go with” the other person rather than push back from a sense of threat.

No need to fake it. No need to agree. Being curious is about genuinely accepting that their point of view and their feelings are as legitimate to them as yours are to you.

Tension is less likely to build. And when it does, find something to ask. When your goal is not to get back at them, you’ll improve your ability to get back with them.

 * Fully articulated in The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum, Touchstone Books, 1988.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.