Managing Depression with Positive Psychology

Depression is a scary word. Not long ago it sounded worse, like a crippling illness that came with a life sentence. For extreme cases that can still be how it is, but thanks to the revolution in mental health known as Positive Psychology, for most of us that time has passed. The fear is unfounded.

When I recognized I was living with depression I was shocked and horrified. I was functioning at home and work, only without vital energy or a glimmer of joy. I imagined recovery would require a regimen of medications along with years of complicated psycho-analysis, uncovering dark, subconscious truths that lay hidden beneath my awareness. Otherwise, there was no hope of recovery. Or so I imagined.

The path back to life was much easier than that. In fact, it was free of charge and relatively quick. With a little coaching, I was able to do it myself, without medication or psychiatry. First, I found hope in a bestseller on Positive Psychology called Feeling Good, in which Dr. David Burns presents the basic insight that, in the vast majority of cases, depression is the result of faulty thinking.  Feeling Good link  Negative thinking causes negative emotion. If your internal monologue is on a loop repeating “I am unworthy” and “the world is hopeless” then it’s likely you’re depressed.

To resolve depression, just change how you’re thinking. Challenge the toxic thoughts that cause the negative feelings. It isn’t complicated. No need to spend a decade (and a fortune) uncovering unconscious motives or childhood trauma. Instead, pay attention to the thoughts you are thinking, right here, right now. If they are persistently negative then challenge them, put them to the test, look for counter-arguments. “Can I be certain that I’m so unworthy? Is the tale of woe I’m telling myself necessarily true? Are there any counter-examples? Is there evidence that some world problems are getting better?”. Make an active practice of seeking evidence suggesting you and the world ARE worthwhile.

Next, activate yourself physically and socially. Burn’s insistence on overall well-being led me first to relaxation classes and then to a daily practice of yoga. I also began connecting with old friends I had been “too tired” or “too busy” to see. By deliberately moving my thoughts and body in new directions I was able to recover my life. It only took a few months. I haven’t looked back since.

Positive Psychology is interested in practical, common-sense approaches to what makes life most worth living. It’s most well-known application, the one that worked for me, is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT. As my personal story demonstrates, CBT has become popular for one single reason. It works. Research consistently shows that recovery from depression using CBT (especially in combination with mindfulness practice and physical activity) far surpasses earlier, more complex forms of psychotherapy. Positive Psychology link

Most empowering of all: you can do it on your own by moving your body and mind in more positive directions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Make Your Legacy Wishes Known

It isn’t enough to have wishes for your belongings after you die. Wishes need to be known.

Arlene was in her early 90s, with multiple medical conditions but a mind that was sharp as a tack. Since she did not have any surviving family members, she relied on her church community, friends and government services for support. She received meals on wheels and personal health care services, which allowed her to continue living in her home.

One friend, a recently retired neighbour named David, visited her every few weeks. He would chat with her for hours. Arlene’s friend Stella was the executor of her will, although David was probably her closest friend. They laughed a lot, shared personal stories and a great love of reading.

During one of David’s last visits she had said to him, “You see that bookcase over there, next to the fireplace? I’m going to leave a note on it to make sure you get that antique bookcase and all my books when I die. I couldn’t think of anybody besides you who would appreciate it and I really want you to have it.”

Arlene died not long after. After the funeral David was asked by another friend of Arlene’s if he ever received the bookcase when the house was cleared out and sold. “No” he said, “Not a word was mentioned about it. In all of the commotion I don’t think anyone saw the sticky note. Or maybe it fell off. I didn’t say anything to Stella because I didn’t want to look like I had ulterior motives for my visits.”

Arlene’s wishes were never honoured, despite everyone’s best intentions, because they weren’t formally made known.

This bookcase isn’t a huge issue. Some people die with unrecorded wishes worth millions. But it’s always sad when wishes go unfilled.

How can I ensure my wishes will be followed after I die?

To avoid conflict and confusion after your death, or to ensure somebody receives something specific, either give it to them while you are alive or have it formally added to your will. Things said privately to one person can result in massive conflict when not formally recorded. We also recommend you make your beneficiaries aware of your wishes. Clear communication is the safest guarantee that your legacy will be honoured.

When should I do it? As soon as I know I am dying?

Don’t put these thoughts off. Nobody knows when they are going to die so it is best to act now. If you wait too long there is also a risk that someone might challenge claim you were not at full capacity when the changes were made. Earlier is the safest bet.

What if my will is already completed?

It is wise to update your will as circumstances change. Adjustments can be made to the will itself or by adding an addendum. The “how” is best discussed with your lawyer.

Co-authored by  Mark Silverman, MD, Family Physician and Mike MacConnell, Family & Elder

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Motivating Change: Escaping an Abusive Relationship

Are you stuck in a behaviour you believe is unhealthy? Do you want to make a change, but have trouble getting started?   

As a life coach I come across this often. I worked recently with a woman who was trying to decide whether to end an abusive relationship. I employed Motivational Interviewing, a coaching strategy designed to help people follow through with the changes they want to make. She told me later that she wished she had been exposed to this approach much earlier in her marriage. Well-intentioned arguments previously offered by friends and family hadn’t helped her to decide. She had to come around on her own and summon the courage herself – and that’s exactly how Motivational Interviewing works.

Rather than reasoning or informing, a trained coach takes the opposite approach – bringing arguments to the surface that already exist in the mind of the client. M. I. was founded in the 1980’s by William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick on the principle that clients already possess the knowledge and ability required for change, and will be more empowered to succeed when the motivation and confidence come from within.  success of M. I

Here’s a compressed summary of our conversation. (Broad categories of common questions are included in brackets)

(background)

“What brings you here?”

“I’m the mother of a 9 year old daughter, in a marriage that makes me feel frightened and alone. Without warning he becomes enraged, verbally abusive and contemptuous. Afterwards he may be fine for a day or two, until it starts up again.”

“Do you have a goal?”

“I know it’s unhealthy. I need to leave, to escape; but it’s been going on for so long I don’t know if I can. Everyone tells me to get the hell out, but I don’t have the confidence. Or maybe the courage. I just can’t decide.

(Why is change important?)

“On a scale of 1 to 100, how committed are you to leaving the marriage?”

“I’ll say about 80.”

“OK. Fairly high. Why didn’t you choose a lower number?”

“I feel miserable. It’s unhealthy to feel this unhappy and for my daughter to grow up this way. Something has to change.”

“What would it take to move you to a higher number?”

“Well, at this point his abuse is verbal. If it gets physical, I’ll be even more motivated to leave.”

(What matters most to me?)

“Your mental health and physical safety are important. Any other priorities?”

“My confidence and self-respect are taking a beating. I don’t even like myself.”

“Sounds like your confidence is shaken. What did confidence look like when you had it?”

“I used to be full of energy. I travelled on my own, made choices, was decisive.”

“Tell be about other things you value and that are a priority.”

“I want a loving, respectful relationship. For my daughter and I to be able to trust and feel safe.”

“Are you living those values now?”

“No. Not with him, for sure. My best friend and brother are supportive, but otherwise I feel like I’ve given up. Maybe I was naïve to expect something better.”

(Why am I having trouble making change?)

“You’ve shared important hopes for the future. How does your current behaviour fit in with that?”

“That’s just it. I care about those things, but I’m not sure if they’re possible any more.”

“Can you describe how you are thinking, what you’re saying to yourself when you feel unmotivated?”

Sure. I feel weak. Confused. Like what’s the point, I’ll never find anyone better, so why bother trying.”

“Is that an opinion you fully believe?”

“No. Not at all. There’s a part of me that feels disgusted and angry at that defeated part of me.”

“Can you recall how you pictured your future when you were young.”

“I saw myself as a free spirit, a writer, connecting with people and making a difference in the world.”

(In what ways do I want one thing, but do another?)

“What about the part of you that wants to give up. Is there any benefit to thinking that way?”

“I guess I’m trying to protect myself.  As if I can avoid feeling defeated by not trying in the first place.”

“How do you feel about that side of yourself?”

“I hate it. It’s the voice of weakness and fear.”

“And is that fear entirely misguided?”

“No. My partner really is frightening. It’s just that doing nothing means I’m frightened every day. I know I can only put fear behind me by leaving him.”

“Sounds like your hesitation has some legitimacy, yet you really want to make a change.”

“I’m pulled in both directions.”

(How do I build myself up to move forward?)

“Let’s explore your hesitancy. On a scale of 1 to 100, how confident are you that if you chose to make the change, you could change?”

“Not very. I’ll say 40.”

“I notice you didn’t say zero. Tell me about a time you made changes in your life. How did you do it?”

“I used to be a no-show for appointments with friends. When I realized how insulting it was, I stopped.”

“That’s a significant change. What strengths helped you succeed back then?”

“First I thought about it. Then I felt embarrassed. I decided to stop feeling like that, started wearing a watch and showing up when I said I would.”

“Would you say you found determination based on a concern for others and a desire to feel better about yourself.”

“Yes. I think that’s true.”

“What qualities enabled you to do it?

“I cared about my friendships and my self-respect. Once I decided, it wasn’t that hard.”

“So you’re capable of being decisive. Can you suggest how you might connect with those sides of yourself now?

“It might help to take small steps. Small decisions. Like being more active with my daughter.”

“What would you gain by that?”

“It would be fun. Also, I want her to connect with a stronger, livelier side of her mother.”

“Is it a step you feel able to take?

“Yes. I love her. I can do that. Leaving him is the problem. That’s where I feel stuck.”

“Tell be about your daughter. How’s she handling her parents’ stress?”

“I’m terrified for her. She tries to be brave but has been having meltdowns more and more lately.”

“That sounds like an important motivation for change.”

“Absolutely. Without her I might have given up long ago.”

“Are there benefits to the way your life is now?”

“Mainly the convenience of having a home and being financially dependent. Making a change is scary.”

“Would you say those are difficult obstacles to overcome?”

“For sure, at the beginning. Its hard to climb out of this rut even though I hate it and know I’ll be much better off when I get away.”

(What are some practical steps I can take?)

“I notice you’re talking now about “when” not “if” you get away. What resources do you already have to overcome your hesitation?”

“Just talking this way is making me more determined. I’ve gotta keep thinking this through like we’re doing now. Then act.”

“Act how? Do what?”

“Maybe call my best friend, Lisa, and my brother to get them onside. Ask for their help.”

What would you ask them to help with?

“It’s going to have to be a sudden separation, well planned in advance. I’ll ask them to help me set up the finances and I’ll need to have a place for my daughter and I to stay.”

“Very practical. Anything else?

“I’ll need help moving all my stuff out.”

“Getting support sounds important. How else can they help?

“I need them to help me think things through. My thoughts go around in circles on my own.”

“What about your own safety, and your daughter’s?”

“That concerns me a lot. I’m already walk on eggshells every day. Anything could happen when we leave, so the getaway will have to be sudden and complete.”

“We’re nearly done for today. How do you feel about what we’ve covered so far?”

“It’s the first bit of confidence I’ve felt in ages.”

 Lovely. What are your goals between now and our next session?”

“I want to research housing online and get a better understanding of my financial situation. Before we meet next week I’ll talk with my brother and Lisa and hear what they have to say.”

This is just a summary. The actual coaching session delved at greater length into each of these topics. Two further sessions were needed before she and her daughter did safely leave their abusive situation.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Helping People Change

How do you help when someone you care about is stuck in a rut? Some people leap in with advice, offering reassurance and insight. Others use logical argument and evidence.

These well-intentioned efforts may contain wise advice but rarely succeed in shifting behaviour. A clinical approach called Motivational Interviewing, developed by William Miller and Stephen Rollnick in the 1980s, has proven much more effective at helping people effect change in their lives.

Rather than teaching, reasoning and providing information, Motivational Interviewing coaches the client to discover his or her own motivations and capacities for change. The practitioner draws out and clarifies goals, listens to concerns and boosts confidence in the ability to change, eventually collaborating with the client on a specific plan of action. Learn more about M.I.

Here is a sample with a client who has struggled to begin getting in shape and change eating habits. The example employs standard M.I. questions, although actual sessions would dwell on each phase at greater length.

(Assessing the importance of change)

“On a scale of 1 to 100, how much do you want to get in shape right now?”

“I’ll say about 70.”

“Fairly high. Why did you choose 70 and not a lower number?”

“I’ve gotta do something. I’m worried about my health and miss having more energy.”

“What would it take to move you to a higher number?”

“Well, I guess if I had a medical episode, or if my partner left me, I’d be more motivated.”

(exploring values)

“Sounds like you value your health and your relationship. Any other priorities?”

“Admiration from my kids would be nice. And earning a living is important. I’m in sales and would like to feel sharper, more awake, which might come from being in better shape.”

“What would it look like if we were successful in our work to get you in better shape?”

“I guess I’d be feeling better about myself, more vigorous. Like I’ve accomplished something.”

(addressing ambivalence to change)

“You’ve shared important values just now. How does your current behaviour fit in with your values?”

“That’s just it. I don’t understand. I mean, I care about those things, really, but can’t motivate myself to do anything consistent to change them.”

“Can you describe how you are thinking, what you’re saying to yourself when feeling unmotivated?”

Sure. I feel weak. Confused. Like what’s the point, I’ll never change anyway, so why bother trying.”

“Thanks for your honesty about hearing that voice. Is that voice the whole of you?”

“No. Not at all. It’s kind of weird, but there’s a part of me that disagrees and feels disgusted by that defeated part of me.”

(identify the gap between values and actions)

“You’re describing a part of you that wants to let go, give up, take it easy. Is there any benefit to thinking that way?”

“I guess I’m trying to protect myself. Avoid defeat by not accepting the challenge of trying to change.”

“Sounds like that voice is trying to help. How do you feel about that side of yourself?”

“I hate it. It’s the voice of weakness and fear, but it’s usually in control”

“Then let’s explore this discrepancy between your values and actions. On a scale of 1 to 100, how confident are you that if you chose to make the change, you could change?”

“Not very. I’ll say 25.”

“I notice you didn’t say zero. Tell me about a time you made changes in your life. How did you do it?”

“I used to be late for appointments a lot. Then I decided it was insulting to others and stopped.”

(assess and build self-efficacy)

“That’s significant. What strengths helped you succeed back then?”

“I think I felt embarrassed. Maybe ashamed. I got determined to stop feeling like that.”

“Determination, and concern for others. If you decided to change now, what would enable you to do it?

“If I knew it mattered to my family that would help. I don’t think they think I can change.”

“Can you suggest how you might recruit them in inspiring you to begin?

“I’d have to speak with them about this first. Let them know it matters to me. Ask for their help.”

“Be specific. What would you want them to do? How can you guide them to help?

“Not nagging. That makes me feel worse. How ‘bout if we made a schedule of some physical activities we like doing together. Try to make it fun.”

“That’s a practical step. Fitness is clearly important to you in this change. Anything else?

“Shifting my diet is going to have to be part of it. I’m addicted to fast food. That’s the tough one.”

“What would you gain by changing the way you eat?

“Making meals at home would make for more family time. Better food. Healthier bodies.

“Yet you like fast food. What are the benefits to your diet the way it is?”

“Mainly convenience and craving. It’s just automatic and easy to buy fast food from a restaurant chain.”

“Then would you say convenience and craving are some of the main obstacles to overcome?”

“Yup. I think so, acting out of habit without thinking much about it.”

(decision-making)

“What resources do you already have to overcome those challenges?”

“Just talking this way is making me more determined. If I can feel good about improving my whole family’s diet that will help maintain my motivation.”

“These sound like important steps. You keep coming back to your family. How are they a resource?

“If I can encourage them to join in a bit then we’ll be able to share the load, support one another.”

“What first steps do you have as a goal between now and our next session?”

“I want to do some research online and talk with my family about making changes. Before we meet next week I’ll call a family meeting and hear what they have to say.”

Actual coaching would dwell at greater length on each of these topics, and require a number of sessions to progress through the stages that are covered more rapidly in this sample:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

3 Steps to Befriending Stress

In last month’s blog on Kelly McGonigal’s bestseller The Upside of Stress I summarized her argument that, contrary to popular belief, stress can be healthy, if we shift our relationship to it.

She isn’t suggesting that stress is always good for us. On the contrary, she points out that humans (and all social mammals) are capable of exhibiting a hardwired “defeat response” to extreme stress, typified by loss of appetite, depression and even suicide.  Stressors are particularly harmful when an individual feels trapped, depleted and isolated from others.  

Yet the same stress that harms you can become a catalyst for growth. McGonigal offers three practical, evidence-based strategies for converting unwanted stress into “post traumatic growth”. The hardiness to benefit from adversity appears to come naturally to some people. For those of us who lack that gift, it’s encouraging to know resilience can be learned.

We met Bridget in a previous blog, a single mother suffering from the stress of working at home while homeschooling her children through the pandemic. Let’s apply McGonigal’s three suggestions to see how Bridget’s stressful challenges could help her become stronger.

Step One: Tend and Befriend

The fight-or-flight stress response makes us want to withdraw from others. One way to build resilience is to cultivate a “tend and befriend” mindset, resisting the impulse to self-isolate and instead connecting and inquiring into the welfare of others and offering them help. When we engage with others, increasing our awareness of their pain and focusing on bigger-than-self goals, our biochemistry has been shown to shift. Studies have regularly shown that social contact activates the body’s production of oxytocin (the body’s “cuddle drug”, an enhancer of sociability) dopamine (a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and vitality) and serotonin (which stabilizes mood, counteracting depression, anxiety and agitation).

Bridget decides to try to overcome her loneliness by organizing a Zoom mothers’ group in the evening after her kids have gone to bed. The moms share best practices for keeping kids meaningfully occupied and exchange easy recipes. Exhausted, they share stories of running on empty, yet often end by telling Bridget how helpful the circle has been for them.

Step Two: Express Your Stress

Many of us have bury our pain and hide it from others. McGonigal presents research showings that it is more healthy to be open about your struggles, sharing your story in all its distress with interested others. We need to be selective, sharing at appropriate times with those who genuinely care. The effort to articulate your struggles provides an outlet that not only helps build connection, it helps you to see your stressors from a different angle, perhaps drawing out helpful perspectives and insights from family and friends.

Bridget becomes close friends with June, with one of the mothers from the Zoom group. They meet online or exchange phone calls once, sometimes twice a week to unload. It isn’t all complaining. Listening to one another’s struggles they realize how much they have in common, laughing at things the children have said and joking at times that their emotional survival skills could fill a self-help manual.

Step Three: Find Restorative Stories

Narratives that reaffirm the possibility of resilience have been shown to improve the ability to recover from stress. We can select these kinds of stories not only by limiting our consumption of toxic media, but by seeking out stories (true and fictional) that portray redemptive struggles. In our personal lives we can pay closer attention to the resourcefulness we hear in the stories told by family and friends, even as we attend to their pain. Also, let’s not overlook evidence of emotional strength and success that is present in the memories from our  past.

The calls with June have taken on a new tone. Bridget has joined the IVOH (Images and Voices Of Hope) Facebook group and found other self-help websites with tips for helping her friend. She listens now for evidence of June’s resilience, and points out examples of qualities that have made June such a gifted parent. The new tone of the conversation helps them both feel stronger, with June often returning the favour.

Directing her attention toward realistic, positive thoughts has become an uplifting practice, with connection to nature as the way to get there.  She takes brisk walks in the park, breathing deeply and observing nature, experiencing each time a positive change in her mood and perspective. She almost feels like thanking her stress for the motivation to get outside.

Stress hasn’t ended for Bridget, but thanks to a shift in her mindset, stress has shifted its meaning. Would she prefer the stress and the pandemic to end? Of course, she would. In the meantime, by changing her relationship to stress she has come to feel less helpless, less lonely, more enthusiastic and empowered.

 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

The Upside of Stress

I published “The Yoga of Divorce” in 2016 to describe how I used yoga to manage the stress that was hijacking my life during my divorce and to forge a win-win amicable parting. I was responding to my fear of stress, based on the widely-accepted view that it could damage my physical and mental well-being. Although the stress reduction practices I outlined there are valid, that viewpoint turns out to be only half of the truth.

Recent research presents compelling evidence that stress can in fact be good for us if we change our attitude to it. In her famous TED talk How To Make Stress Your Friend and in her bestselling book The Upside of Stress, Kelly McGonigal, a researcher from Stanford University, argues that how we think of stress can determine whether we have a full-throttle fight-and-flight style threat response, or whether those same stressors result in increased energy and higher performance.

The evidence comes, in part, from “mindset intervention” experiments developed by David Yeager, a mindset researcher at the University of Texas, in which students listened to a brief talk on the energetic benefits of stress immediately prior to a stressful examination. Students who heard evidence of the upside of stress had improved recall and focus because they viewed stress as an ally rather than an enemy. Those who received the “intervention” not only scored better than those who didn’t, but their grades remained significantly higher throughout the academic year.

McGonigal isn’t denying the debilitating impact of stress. It can undermine your ability to cope and harm mental and physical health, nor does she discount the evidence-based benefits of mindfulness as a tool to manage stress. Her point is that for most of us, most of the time, viewing stress as harmful increases the risk of feeling overwhelmed and hopeless when facing stressful situations. Our fear of stress is the source of its power to harm our health. Her advice is that rather than seeking to avoid or control stress, we can choose to change our relationship to it. She argues that welcoming anxiety and stress, seeing it as a natural source of energy and alertness, can boost confidence and improve resilience.

She reports on a Gallop World Poll spanning 121 countries which showed that the happiest people were not those who report less stress, but those who manage high stress without becoming depressed. The “stress paradox” is her term for the discovery that high stress correspond with distress, and also with a sense of meaning and accomplishment.

When you take this view, life doesn’t become less stressful, but it can become more meaningful. Our culture often celebrates a risk-free life of ease and comfort. McGonigal suggests that we find greater satisfaction from challenging ourselves to meet uncertain goals. Quoting from Antonella Della Fave, she concludes that “the more directly one aims to maximize pleasure and avoid pain, the more likely one is to produce instead a life bereft of depth, meaning and community”.

In this month’s blogpost I’ve introduced this radical shift in thinking about stress; next month I’ll describe McGonigal’s recommendations for HOW we can build a richer, more authentic life by speaking out about our stress and reaching out to serve others.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Learning to Look On The Bright Side

Last month’s blog looked at “learned helplessness”, a kind of paralysis which can take over a person’s life in response to overwhelming stress.  Martin Seligman, the researcher who first named the condition noted its association with pessimism along with a high risk for PTSD and depression.

He used 3 Ps to explain why people give up after being knocked about by life. They come to believe:

1.     Adversity will always occur (is Permanent);

2.     It will occur in all areas of life (is Pervasive) and

3.     They are powerless to change it (is Personal).

This month, the good news. Martin Seligman, who coined the term “learned helplessness” also came up with the concept of “learned optimism”.

Really? Can optimism be learned?

Most mothers will tell you their children were born with either a cheery or fragile disposition. To some extent those traits are hardwired. Yet despite inborn temperament, the evidence is conclusive. Humans have the capacity, with effort, to adjust their disposition and enhance their own well-being. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism

Seligman’s model presents a 5-step ABCDE sequence. Here’s how it might work in the case of Bridget, who I introduced last month. A single parent, she was overwhelmed with having to work, manage the house and monitor her children’s schooling in a pandemic

1.     Adversity: she’s feeling stuck and overwhelmed, yet hasn’t reached out to her mother or best friend.

2.     Belief: she predicts her mother and best friend will give unwanted advice and react impatiently to her complaints. She fears they don’t really care about her.

3.     Consequence: the result of these negative beliefs is that she remains isolated, unheard and lonely and feels powerless to help herself.

Steps A, B & C present the dilemma. Points D & E outline what Bridget can do to overcome her feeling of helplessness.

4.     Dispute: She challenges her assumptions, asking herself how certain she can be that they’ll respond the way she fears. She brings to times her mother and friend were attentive and helpful. She realizes she can’t really know how they will respond if she calls.

5.     Energization: she begins to feel hopeful, that it may be worth reaching out. She notices that she’s still nervous. She’s vulnerable. It will take courage to phone – to share her pain and uncertainty. Only one way to find out - she picks up the phone.

The goal isn’t a quick fix, but to help empower Bridget to think about the situation differently. She can more energetically assess her options and thereby act to improve her mental health.

In his bestselling book Learned Optimism, Seligman suggests that people suffering from learned helplessness pay attention to the underlying thoughts that influence their emotions and behaviours and actively challenge their own hasty conclusions. His technique is a variation of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

Seligman is NOT claiming we should always be optimistic. He recommends Balanced optimism, deciding NOT to choose an optimistic prediction if the risk of being wrong would be catastrophic. For example, Bridget might consider quitting her job on the optimistic prediction of winning the lottery. If the prediction is wrong, she could end up homeless, so optimism wouldn’t be wise. With respect to calling her mother or friend, however, the risk of being wrong would be no greater than a difficult conversation. It therefore makes sense to make the call.

Next month’s blog looks at “The Upside of Stress” by Kelly McGonigal. Her research concludes that meaning and purpose are enhanced by changing your relationship to stress – by choosing to make discomfort meaningful rather than trying to avoid it – and provides tips on how doing so can empower you to be strengthened and enriched by stress. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

When Misfortune Leaves You Paralyzed: The Dilemma of “Learned Helplessness”

Bridget is a single mother, suffering in the midst of the pandemic. She feels overwhelmed by the weight of homeschooling her children while working from home at half her former wages. In addition to the necessities of shopping, cooking, cleaning and caregiving, she can’t stop thinking of how she dropped out of college, about the great job she lost, and how her marriage fell apart. After a sleepless night, her life seems to her like a litany of failures with no way out of the gloom. She worries she’s reached the breaking point, yet can’t muster the motivation to call her mother or best friend for support. She imagines they’re tired of her complaints and will just offer unwanted advice. She emails her ex to pick up the kids and crawls back under the covers, trapped and alone.

Many of us have felt something akin to Bridget’s emotional paralysis. You may have experienced a sense of futility that temporarily sapped your motivation. Often it resolves on its own. However, for some, “learned helplessness” becomes a permanent frame of mind, often associated with PTSD and clinical depression. People stuck in a situation, unable to change tracks.

The Oxford dictionary defines “learned helplessness” as “a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed and becomes unable or unwilling to avoid subsequent encounters, even if they are escapable”. The term was coined by Martin Seligman in 1967 after observing the behavior of dogs who lacked the initiative to escape following repeated exposure to electrical shock, despite being offered the opportunity.

Some of my clients express feeling this way in their family or work life. These are intelligent, well-intentioned individuals who may have felt overwhelmed by divorce, health issues, job-loss or stress at work. They are unable to visualize steps to improve their situation. There is no issue of blame here. Given a world in which external forces impose relentless, unwanted pressures beyond their control, the temptation to believe their situation to be hopeless is entirely understandable. But the sense of hopelessness mires them deeper. It blinds them from seeing the one thing they can control, which is their response.

“Learned optimism” is the answer, and Seligman has emerged as a world expert in the field. Along with other positive psychologists such as Kelly McGonigal, (see her TED talk and book: The Upside of Stress) a powerful movement has emerged making a convincing case that learned helplessness can be overcome, and that an attitude of balanced, realistic optimism can, with effort, be acquired.

Bridget may not be able to transform the circumstances that gave rise to her distress, but she can energize and transform her response.  By challenging her automatic thoughts, by expressing her needs in honest, vulnerable conversations and by connecting with others she can shift the lens through which she sees herself and her world.

In next month’s blog I’ll present a more detailed description of practical steps to overcome learned helplessness, and not only to survive, but to grow stronger in response to unwanted stress.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Tips on Talking About Your Pain (It’s OK Not to feel OK – But Not OK to Hide it Away)

Stress is a major component of modern life and has escalated dramatically for many people during the isolation of COVID, yet it can be hard to talk about.

Few of us know how to be heard.

Take my client Brendan, for example. He’s a healthy teenager in many ways. Frustrated with COVID restrictions, he wants to do what’s right, to be tolerant and brave without being a pain. As a result, he doesn’t talk about his loneliness, or his sleeplessness over worries about finding a girlfriend or choosing a career.

It’s OK for him not to feel OK. His sadness and worry are healthy emotional responses to adolescence in an uncertain world. But he has never been guided to accept that those emotions are healthy, or been shown how they can be managed. His parents tell him not to worry, that it’ll all be OK. His friends change the topic. News feeds he follows make the world look hopeless and heroes in his favorite shows are the strong, silent type.  

Brendan wonders if there is something wrong with him when anxiety takes him into dark places. He feels ashamed and helpless and doesn’t know what to do.

Here are some tips that could help Brendan (and guide you in guiding him):

1.      Find someone you trust to talk to. A parent, older sibling, guidance counselor or trusted adult. Set up a time to chat so they don’t feel ambushed. Let them know in advance you want help talking through some difficult feelings. No shame. No apologies. Vulnerability builds courage. This process will be good for you both.

2.      Sit calmly to observe and find words for your feelings. Try to avoid explaining or judging them. They do NOT define who you are, but it’s important to acknowledge that they’re a big part of your life today.  

3.      Examine the positive “unmet need” beneath each negative emotion. For example, underneath Brendan’s loneliness may be the positive need to connect meaningfully with another person. His desire to be a productive person is behind his anxiety about choosing a career. Uncover the positive values that give rise to the negative emotion. Values come first and are permanent, while emotions come and go.

4.      Focus on what you want – on the conditions and states of mind that are your goals. Stay rooted in those positive values and needs. Dream big. What is it that matters most? Who and how do you want to be? How do you get to that place? Share your vulnerable truth, with all the courage you can muster, then flip each problem upside down by describing what the solution could look like.

5.      Brainstorm practical strategies for moving toward the goal. You haven’t asked for advice up till now, only for an ear. Now you can each throw out ideas. Ignore all the things you can’t do. What resources, what abilities do you have? What windows are open, even a little? How about beginning a fitness regime, downloading a self-scheduling app, setting up Zoom sessions with friends, signing up for an online course. Make a list.

6.      Decide on a few practical, initial steps. Act on them. Begin modestly, but begin now.

7.      Assess progress slowly, patiently. Change is incremental; it takes time. The intention to consciously change is the beginning of emotional self-management. The painful feelings you once feared and resented can now be seen for what they always were: the calls to make changes and the incentives for growth.

Keep in mind the words of Seneca, the Roman orator, who said, “what matters is not what you bear but how you bear it”.

In the realm of self-esteem and emotional health, how you bear it is ALL that matters.

Essential conversations shift youth into an empowered relationship with their emotional life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Know if Mediation is Right for Your Divorce: The Goldilocks Solution

COVID-19 restrictions have brought Jill and Ron’s marriage to the brink. They’ve agreed to divorce but not to much else. Ron thinks they should hire lawyers to work it out in court and suck up the costs. Jill doesn’t want to spend all that money and time or hand over decision-making power to a judge. To her it’s a no-brainer to hire a mediator to help work things out between them more amicably, quickly and inexpensively.

Is mediation the right solution? It often is, for a number of reasons:

1.     You meet on your own time, at your own convenience, not when the court dictates. It can take a few weeks or months - not a few years as court often does.

2.     You construct your own agreement including terms that make sense to you. The mediator facilitates the conversation but can’t impose any decision.

3.     Costs are lower for two reasons: first, you split the mediator’s fees, rather than each paying the higher hourly fee of a lawyer; second, it almost always requires fewer hours.

4.     Co-parenting is easier after facilitated problem-solving sessions. There is a chance of improving ongoing communications, which is a big win for your children.

5.     Privacy is a guarantee in mediation, unlike court proceedings which are open to public scrutiny.

Mediation is preferred by more and more couples these days, and is successful 85% of the time. That missing 15% shows that it’s not always the best process for everyone. It is “The Goldilocks Solution” for parties who get along “just right”. Exceptions occur when conflict is too low or too high.

Too Low:

If Ron and Jill can amicably work out an agreement at the kitchen table, why hire a neutral third party? They can save the cash. They will only need lawyers at the end, to provide legal advice and prepare a Separation Agreement.

Too High:

If conflict escalates, Jill and Ron won’t negotiate well. This is a judgement call, unique to each case, but generally mediation is NOT recommended when any of the following questions is answered with “yes”:

·     does a history of abuse in the relationship prevent one party from negotiating on his or her own behalf?

·       does substance abuse or a mental health problem prevent Ron or Jill from rational problem solving?

·       is emotional turmoil at a peak, preventing one or both from listening?

·       is one party unwilling or unable to negotiate in good faith?

These situations give cause to pause, although they don’t necessarily preclude mediation. Sometimes it’s best to delay until parties calm down. Perhaps the couple can wait until medical or therapeutic support has been provided.

Mediators are also trained to offer accommodations such as inviting a lawyer or support person into sessions. Shuttle mediation can also be used to keep parties in separate rooms.

Most separating couples are in the Goldilocks middle range, with conflict neither too high or too low, but just right.

To learn more about Divorce Mediation: ReflectiveMediation.ca

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

“Not Yet” Is a Statement of HOPE

“Have you become the person you want to be?”       “Not yet”.

“Do you and your partner fully connect?”                    “Not yet”.

“When will you get your life back from COVID?”        “Not yet”.

Do you hear the note of hope in that phrase? “Not Yet” is a world away from “No Way” or “Never”.

As a professional mediator and communication coach, I often hear from potential clients who desperately wish the tension at home or work would end .... yet they have given up on believing that there’s anything they can do. They shrug and say “there’s no point in wtrying. My partner and I will never connect.”

I find the word “never” to be incredibly sad, because respectful conversations CAN and DO improve people’s lives every day. I see it whenever couples, colleagues or family members listen deeply and speak openly with a simple intention to connect.  It takes courage; and it’s worth it.

Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, take the attitude: “I’ve got to try something.” Doing nothing guarantees it will get worse. Instead, take a risk and give it a try. Allow yourself to work with a partner, parent or mediator to reach agreement on small desired changes, then slowly shift your behaviours, one step at a time.

The key is to begin in a spirit of curiosity, believing your relationships CAN improve. You won’t be perfect. Not yet. Your relationship won’t be perfect. Not yet. Realism is the recognition that healthy relationships CAN be earned with a bit of luck and a lot of conscious effort.  

Don’t buy into the cynical cliche “it is what it is.” That’s just an excuse to do nothing. Those who give up before trying will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not because there was no way but because they didn’t start looking for a way. They arrived too quickly at “never,” when the truth all along was “not yet.”

“Not yet” isn’t easy. Perhaps you long for a world of “already everything”; but without winter the spring wouldn’t be so sweet. It’s best to embrace the struggle to grow.

We may always have to live with “Not Yet”. That’s OK. The effort leaves us a little better off than yesterday, and elevates our heart a world away from “never”.

I invite you to join me in the quest.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Steps to Expect When You Give Me a Call

Reflective Mediation is about solving relationship problems by improving communication. You will be dealing directly with me, Mike MacConnell (and my intern for cases of separation and divorce).  Whether through remote video-conference (especially during Covid) or in person, mediation clients meet face-to-face in respectful, facilitated conversations, to arrive at mutual agreement on their issues. Coaching clients work with me privately, face-to-face or by phone.

Inquiry by Email

Our work together usually begins with  an email inquiry to (mike@reflectivemediation.ca or mikegmacconnell@gmail.com) I’ll reply asap answering any initial questions and scheduling a telephone call. If your first inquiry is by telephone, we’re already at the next step.

Telephone Conversation

I call this the “business call”. We arrange for me to call you, or you call 416-433-1314, essentially to vet one another. You want to get a sense of whether you would feel comfortable in this process, working with me, and to have your questions answered, while I’m determining whether your goals, needs and issues are well matched by my skill set.

This call is entirely free of charge, fully confidential, and usually takes about 30 to 45 minutes.

I want to get the broad strokes of your situation. I’ll be listening carefully to understand what the issues are, the obstacles you fear and what goals matter most. Next, I need to ensure you are making a fully informed decision before deciding on the process. These are my practical goals.

I’m also dedicated to a psychological goal. I frequently hear from people in pain, people who feel depleted, discouraged and stuck. My goal is to reassure every client that even the most dire situations CAN improve with calm self-care and respectful communication.

Getting Hired

Those calling about private coaching can move directly to financial arrangements once they have decided to move forward. In mediation cases, because another party is involved, I require a similar, no-charge “business call”. Fully-informed, voluntary decisions are essential from each participant. Once all parties have agreed to move forward, I email an Invoice for payment.

Fees

My standard hourly rate is $190 + HST = $215/hr. Flexible rates can be negotiated on an as-needed basis. Each party normally pays an equal share, thus $107.50/hr. each for a 2-party mediation. I ask for a retainer, preferably by e-transfer, representing anywhere from 3 to 10 hours, depending on the case.

I keep detailed docket on an excel spreadsheet which can be shared at any time upon request.

Any unused portion of the retainer is refunded immediately upon termination of our work together, regardless of the reason for its termination.

Once Hired

Our first conversation upon being hired will be a private, confidential Intake Session. This is the chance for the mediator to screen for trigger issues, and to allow each party to provide more detailed information about their situation, including things they might not wish to share during a joint joint session.

In cases of separation and divorce, each party will be emailed an Agreement to Mediate Form and a Mediation Intake Form to be completed and returned prior to the first Joint Session.

Joint Sessions

We now bring participants together for conversations directed toward respectful listening and collaborative solutions. This brings us into the heart of our work.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Why Don’t Men See It Coming?

I’m a family mediator. I get in the middle of other people’s problems. Things can get loud at times, but I wouldn’t be invited if things were going well.

My clients are most often couples seeking to separate or to save their marriage, but may be siblings who have fallen out of touch, parents at odds with their teenage children or adult children disagreeing about end of life care for their elderly parent. Every situation is unique.

The primary goal, however, is nearly always the same: to find answers to the issues that keep triggering conflict in the relationship. In short, to improve communication.

Participants are often shocked by how quickly they reach agreement, once they get to the table. As the mediator, I’m shocked by how long it takes them to get to the table.  

Here’s another puzzling thing I’ve noticed: it’s almost always the woman who reaches out first.

I’ve had dozens and dozens of cases in my career, and in more than 80% of those cases, the first contact is initiated by a female. What’s going on with that? Why are women the ones who seek help? There are just as many men as women in difficult relationships, just as many men who are suffering emotional pain or hanging on in situations that are stressful.

Why aren’t the men doing the google search and emailing or picking up the phone? 

Take heterosexual couples for example. Almost every case is initiated by the woman, who reports she is “living in parallel”, experiencing minimal intimacy or feeling taken for granted. The man may be a good father, yet acts like he’s on auto-pilot in the relationship, shrugging off her complaints saying “things aren’t really that bad”, dismissing her unhappiness as “an over-reaction”, avoiding the conversation by saying “why can’t we just relax and have fun like we used to?”.

He may look like he doesn’t care but most often he does and just doesn’t know how to express it. That’s what’s so tragic. When she finally says “I’m fed up. I want a divorce,” he feels blindsided. By the time they arrive in mediation he’s the one who presents as most devastated. 

Once our work begins, men are equally able to listen respectfully, to articulate their needs and collaborate on solutions. They are as willing as the women to practice the communication skills I teach, and just as appreciative when they succeed.

So why aren’t they as quick to admit the dysfunction and seek solutions before things fall off the rails?

Is there a way to shake men awake before they wake up alone? Anything helpful you or I can say?

The vulnerability that some men fear (and therefore avoid) is actually the door to their deepest strength and connection. The door can be opened with honest communication, if only they could see it that way.

If you have any thoughts on how to pass men the key, please share your suggestions in the comments below.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Ready, Set, Pivot – Adapting to Unwanted Change

How well are you responding to the astounding changes that COVID-19 has imposed on your life? You’ve suddenly had to shift how you work and shop, how your kids receive their education and even how you socialize. Old disruptors such as e-commerce, online news sites, ride-sharing apps now seem mainstream or even old school.

Changes bring uncertainty; uncertainty breeds stress. We’re all wondering what the new normal will be in two months or two years from now. Truth is – you can’t be certain about what the future will require; but you can control your ability to adapt.

Research studies from multiple sources conclude that individuals with higher levels of adaptability adjust more successfully to shifting social environments, and report higher levels of life satisfaction. Better yet, a 2016 study reported in the Harvard Business Review reveals that adaptability can be learned.

1. Expect to Pivot. Those who adapt well view all change as a fact of life. Instead of feeling victimized by unjust forces, ashamed of past mistakes, or dreaming about “the good old days” they stay in the present, engaged in their work, alert for any opportunity. They’re ready to shift sideways, creating a new way forward.

Let’s say that under the strain of COVID isolation you blew up after your teenager sneered at your request for help with the dishes. Rethink your approach. How can you engage differently, in a way that might connect?  You could negotiate earning privileges by helping out, or express  your stress and need for assistance. You’d better pivot, because the teen is changing so you need to as well.

2. Dwell on Positive Solutions, not Negative Feelings. Emotional awareness is important as a starting place. But you don’t want to remain focused on negative feelings. Repeatedly broadcasting negative emotions hinders our natural adaptation processes. (Wortman, F.B. & Boerner, K., 2007) The alternative isn’t to “toughen up” or ignore your troubles. Instead, use that awareness to motivate a search for practical solutions.

Perhaps you notice you’re feeling a surge of anxiety about the COVID conversion of your home office to a virtual workplace. Treat that as a call to action. You might search YouTube videos that provide instructions on the use of virtual platforms, or ask a tech-savvy colleague for help. To manage the stress, research exercise routines devoted to stress reduction, or download an meditation app.

3. Reflect on Your Values, Not Your Fears. This tip builds on the previous one, starting with awareness of difficult emotions and examining what underlies them. The strategy is to focus on what deeply matters to you – connection, love, creativity, belonging, etc.  Do this by asking yourself what positive, frustrated values are causing the negative feeling.  Here’s an example.

Imagine your income has declined due to the pandemic and you’re drawing on savings. You doubt yourself and feel like a failure.  Dig beneath those feelings. What positive values underlie those emotions? Reflect, and it won’t take long to recognize your sadness and self-doubt are founded on your sense of responsibility. What matters to you is taking care of your family and being a reliable provider. Financial fortunes have changed, not your values or your ethical quality as a person.

4. Accept the Past; Fight for the Future. You may never be free from change, yet you are always free to choose how to respond to it.  Even though you can’t go back to the life you used to have, you can choose whether to lament what’s lost or conjure the courage to embrace the future, employing your freedom to chart your next steps.

Picture lockdown driving a wedge between you and your partner, who has stunned you by demanding a divorce. Your world has turned upside down. Will anger compel you to get even, or will despair drive you under the covers? These understandable impulses both push back against change. Or, once you’ve recovered from the shock, will you dust yourself off, accept that the ground has shifted, and strive for the fairest resolution you can amicably reach?

5. Find Humour in the Situation. Humour lightens the mood, helping you to see the problem from a different perspective and improving social interaction. The difficulties of others are no laughing matter, but finding an ironic twist on your own dilemma casts the situation in a new light.

If, for example, you have been unable to work because of COVID restrictions, you might play with reframing it as an ironic gift. “Hey sweetheart, I’ve been impatient to kick back and relax on vacation and the universe just dropped an unannounced holiday in my lap. And we can’t blow our money on a closed resort – so we’ll vacation here in the back yard.”

You can’t control change. Yet when change happens, how to respond is your choice. Always.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Tips to Build Resilience in Troubled Times

The COVID-19 pandemic has placed enormous stress on people around the world, those who’ve lost jobs, lost businesses, lost loved ones, or who are trying to work full time from tiny apartments while caring for children who can’t attend school or day care. We are all trying to support each other. But why will some of us have resilience and come out of this period relatively unscathed, while others are at risk of ongoing depression and anxiety? Can adults improve their ability to bounce back?

Resilience, it turns out, is a learnable skill. You can take steps to build it.

If you are juggling working from home with trying to home-school children, the frantic pace of the day may be wearing you down. Practicing Mindfulness for just ten or fifteen minutes a day can help you focus and relax. 

Mindfulness, defined by John Kabat-Zinn as “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally” has proven results. His Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program is an evidence-based approach using breath and body awareness as a way of calming the nervous system, thereby increasing resilience. 

Diane L. Coutu, senior editor of the Harvard Business Review (2002) argues that resilient people possess a number of learnable skills. One key is to Cultivate Acceptance. Rather than resenting circumstances beyond your control, direct attention to what you can control: your responses. Stuck inside with your spouse and the kids? Get together in the kitchen taking turns learning how to make one another’s favourite recipes. 

Coutu’s second suggestion refers to Victor Frankl, the Auschwitz survivor who credits his survival to his ability to Make Meaning out of suffering. Frankl found meaning in the people and the work he loved. No doubt your situation also is laden with opportunity to make meaning. By creating goals for yourself, for your family, for those you love or a cause you believe in, you can rise above the moment to view it from a higher perspective. 

When disaster hits, Improvise, be inventive. Pivot. Challenge yourself to adapt by moving in new and unexpected directions. Coutu recommends you make the most of what you have, putting resources to unfamiliar uses and imagining possibilities you previously didn’t see. You can’t go to concerts, but maybe you can find new artists online, or challenge yourself to learn a favourite song. 

Social isolation doesn’t have to be psychological isolation. It’s crucial to Stay Connected to assure you and your family emerge more bonded and functional than ever. Get curious about what’s really going on with them. Initiate honest conversations. Pick up the telephone. Teach yourself to host free video-conferences with extended family and friends. 

Stressful times can put cracks in your relationships. The persistent effort to heal those rifts may be the greatest gift of a resilient disposition. Maybe you’ll find, as Leonard Cohen says, that “the cracks are where the light gets in.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Marriage Story: The aikido Approach

I teach a college course in divorce mediation and was recently delighted by the dramatic opportunity presented by two students who were role-playing an upset wife and husband.  In the role of mediator, I was demonstrating the subtle art of “going with” the other person, a communication technique that entails resisting the automatic tendency to “push back” when you disagree. 

The student playing the “wife” barked out something like “The kids and I would be better off if you were dead”.

These were hurtful words, utterly unhelpful to reaching agreement. The natural reaction would be to halt the exchange with a reminder that parties had previously agreed to speak respectfully. I had no intention to reprimand. Her high emotion provided me with the perfect opportunity to demonstrate the Aikido approach.

Named after an ancient martial art, the Aikido approach, when applied to conflict resolution, teaches how to neutralize an attack without inflicting harm. Rather than retaliating, shaming or proving her wrong, this non-aggressive approach accepts the other person’s position and goes with it.

“That is a surprising statement.” I responded, “Do you mean what you said?”

“I mean every word. My children and I would be far better off if he was dead.”

“You must be carrying enormous pain to have such a wish. Help me understand how you believe it would make your life and the lives of your children better if their father was dead.” I turned to the “husband” and said, “Sir, I appreciate your restraint and ask you, if you can, to listen for the next few minutes without immediately responding.” 

The student playing the “wife” improvised for a few minutes, painting an elaborate portrait of her “husband” as a useless internet-gamer and compulsive YouTube addict who was completely inept in caring for his family. 

At one point the “husband” interrupted, “That’s untrue. You’re exaggerating unbelievably!”

“Sir, difficult as it must be, I’m asking you to let her continue. You don’t need to agree. I am not here to gather evidence or judge who is right or wrong. We are listening to what is true from her point of view. I promise we will soon get to hear your side. Will you agree just to listen for the next few minutes?”

“Ok.” he grumbled.

 “Thank you.”

Turning to her, I said, “Thank you for expressing your point of view. I understand more fully now why this divorce is important to you. Please continue. How do you believe it would it be for your family? Imagine the children after the loss of their father. How would it be for them?”

The student tried to maintain her righteous indignation, but couldn’t carry on for long. Soon, on her own, she admitted her words might have been exaggerated, “Of course, I know the kids would miss him. They would miss playing video games together. And his pancakes. It’s just unfair, that’s all. I earn the salary and I take care of him like he’s one of the kids. He doesn’t carry his weight.”

“Now you’re getting to what matters.” I said, “Carrying one’s weight is an important issue to negotiate. It sounds like you are worried that adult responsibilities are currently out of balance. Sir, do you agree it’s important to balance your parenting responsibilities?”

“Yes, of course I do.”

“Then the two of you agree on an important principle. Now you’re moving forward. Let’s continue.” Her emotions had been legitimized, not shut down, which enabled her to correct herself without being pushed to do so.

Aikido-style negotiation focuses on what makes sense, and avoids getting derailed by what doesn’t. Instead of “fighting for peace” you are “being peaceful for peace”.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Reduce Conflict in Social Isolation

It’s a blessing to have company during social isolation. But it can feel like a curse.

Pick your issue - one way or another, many of us feel triggered and ready to snap at our partners, roommates or children when we’re stuck home with one another – and there’s no place to get away.

For example:

·       She predicts global catastrophe with an air of certainty that you find pompous and depressing.

·       His advice on how to do household chores makes it sound like he thinks you’re incompetent.

Here are a few tips on managing your response when you’re tempted to snap.

What if instead of getting caught up in judging your partner, or feeling criticized, you recognized the other’s behaviour as useful, incoming information about how it is for them? What if you assumed the other person was doing the best they could?  Try finding out. A dose of sincere curiosity can shift the outcome from conflict to connection.

It’s called an Aikido Approach*. Simply put, it’s about “going with” instead of pushing back.

Here’s how it might play out when you feel irritated or overwhelmed:

·       First, get quietly centred in yourself. Check in on your agitated reaction.

·       Notice your impulse. Name it to yourself. Take a slow, conscious breath.

·       “Go with” the other person’s words. Assume their behaviour is a legitimate expression of what they need now. Cultivate curiosity about that.  

·       Inquire into what it looks and feels like for them.

To the global catastrophist you might say:

·       “Tell me more. Your predictions sound pretty dire and scary.   Should I be scared? Do you want to talk it through?”

·       “Are there any steps you think we should be taking to prevent that from happening?”

·       “What are your suggestions about how we can prepare in case that occurs?”

In response to advice on household chores you might say:

·       “I get that doing chores correctly matters a lot to you. We share that. If I did them my way, please explain what you are worried would happen?”

·       “When I hear your advice, it sounds like you doubt my ability. That is upsetting for me. What impact were you hoping to have?” 

·       “Can you suggest a way for us to discuss this more skillfully?”

It’s called an Aikido approach after the martial art that neutralizes conflict without unnecessary force or injury to either side. When someone comes at you, (or their words do) you simply get out of the way and add your own energy to theirs. You unbalance the other’s position, without aggression. Applied to relationships, the Aikido approach defuses conflict by helping you understand the other person, even if you don’t always agree.

Curiosity is hard to summon when you disagree or feel hurt. The natural reaction is to resist, correct, argue, inform, or get even.  It isn’t easy to put your reactions on hold; but curiosity works. It requires an attitude of acceptance, a centred willingness to “go with” the other person rather than push back from a sense of threat.

No need to fake it. No need to agree. Being curious is about genuinely accepting that their point of view and their feelings are as legitimate to them as yours are to you.

Tension is less likely to build. And when it does, find something to ask. When your goal is not to get back at them, you’ll improve your ability to get back with them.

 * Fully articulated in The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum, Touchstone Books, 1988.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Ten Tips for Brad and Angelina During Their Divorce

When stars fall from grace it hurts everyone who looked up to them. Part of our dreams fall with them.

All the more so if your own marriage has fallen from stardom to dust. You may find yourself at the same crossroad where Brad and Angelina now stand.

The stars seem prepared to do battle with an army of attorneys. They can afford the expense but what about the emotional toll?  There is an option to seeking vengeance: to heal and move on, putting the welfare of the children first.

When you awaken to a marriage that has crumbled, the first battle happens inside. Will you give in to the urge to win or provide a more civilized role model to your kids through respectful collaboration?

I work as a mediator with divorcing families. They have taught me that the psychologists are right. You don’t need to like your adversary to rise above the fray and become the role model you want to be for your kids. The high road is a steeper climb – but it offers a wiser path.

Brad and Angelina – and anyone experiencing separation – can benefit from these tips:

THINK WISELY

1.   Let the long term goal of freedom outweigh the immediate impulse for revenge.

2.   Don’t give in, but meet your needs peacefully, through negotiation instead of battle.

3.   Look at this conflict as an opportunity for personal growth.

4.   Challenge your hatred, knowing its best for your kids (and for you in the long run) if your ex is healthy and prosperous.

 FEEL DEEPLY

5.   Sit patiently with your pain. Accept it as your teacher, without pushing it away or reacting.

6.   Direct your thoughts away from hostility toward compassion for yourself and your kids. Let that guide your heart.

7.   Connect with the sides of yourself that are resilient, creative and strong. (Impotent anger won’t help. Motivate yourself toward positive goals.)

ENSURE THAT THE KIDS COME FIRST

8.   Change is scary. Reassure them (and yourself) that they have the resources and skills to thrive.

9.   When children ask for the impossible, reduce toxicity by directing conversation toward choices that ARE available.

10. Be the adult you want them to become: honest, engaged, sensitive, and able to have fun. 

If you find yourself going through a separation or divorce, please don't hesitate to get in touch. At my family mediation practice, Reflective Mediation, we help families resolve painful emotional and financial decisions using positive, solution-oriented communication skills. We assist parents to work together in the best interest of their children, for now and the future.  We teach easy-to-learn exercises that can calm emotions, and it’s okay to need a little help with your mental wellness when you’re in distress.

I'd love to connect with you on social media as well. Please follow me on Twitter or like our page on Facebook.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Deal with – and learn from – your feelings about Trump

The Trump victory, for many, was a punch in the belly. It now looks like bullies win, that anger and ignorance and intolerance are in charge.

Reactions to Donald Trump highlight a dilemma we often face. Life sends curve-balls. Is there a way to deal with overwhelming emotion? Is there a healthy way to manage your response to events you can’t control?

The best revenge also happens to be the best defense: equanimity. That is, to stay being engaged while becoming untroubled.

I learned this in the early months of my own divorce, when impotent anger and anxiety made me feel like a cornered animal ready to win at all costs. That pain guided me to my yoga mat in search of relief.

Physical postures and breath-work provided an answer unavailable to my conscious intellect.  Concentration on poses calmed my brain. They didn’t fix the external problem, but quieted the internal one.

Neuroscientists describe equanimity as a detached state of mind in which “you have a kind of space around experiences, a buffer between you and [your] feelings.” (Rick Hanson PH.D., Buddha’s Brain, p 111) 

Relaxed awareness should not be mistaken for aloofness. “Equanimity is neither apathy nor indifference: you are warmly engaged with the world but not troubled by it.” (Ibid) Acquiring equanimity doesn’t rid you of emotion or suppress it.

However, brain scans show that during a meditation or yoga practice you remain as fully aware of emotional impulses as ever, but your nervous system doesn’t get triggered into the hyper arousal of fight-or-flight. Instead you remain clear-headed.

Equanimity allows attentiveness without the distortion that comes from being emotionally triggered.

Photo credit: Boss Tweed via Flickr

So what will you do? Are you going to dwell on Trump and remain upset? Will you get triggered when a dominating person next steps into your life? Do you want to be a role model for your kids? Your best response, always, is to practice equanimity. 

If you plan to be an activist, fighting against ignorance and intolerance, you will be more effective (not to mention healthier and happier) if you are calm and clearheaded.

So where do you begin if you find yourself in an extreme state of agitation about the state of the world since Trump’s election? Here are a few things you can try:

Begin a mindfulness ritual. Even if you’ve never meditated or done yoga before, now is a great time to start. Try the meditation app Headspace and spend 10 minute each morning following a guided meditation journey for beginners. Or find a series of a series of restorative yoga poses on YouTube and give those a try. Some helpful ones can also be found in my book The Yoga of Divorce.

Turn your frustration into concrete action. You may be powerless to do anything about who Trump selects for his cabinet, but you can join an advocacy group to draw attention to the issues that matter most to you. You can also leverage your worry for good by devoting some of your time — face-to-face — to helping those in need. You might volunteer in a soup kitchen or help an immigrant family to get settled, for example.

Spend some time outdoors. When it feels like the world has gone crazy, a walk in the woods — or even around the block — can help to shift your mood and remind you that there is more to life than what’s playing out in the news.

If you need more, get in touch. At my practice, Reflective Mediation, we offer mindfulness training and other stress-reduction practices that have been scientifically proven to rewire the nervous system.  We teach easy-to-learn exercises that can calm emotions, and it’s okay to need a little help with your mental wellness when you’re in distress.

I'd love to connect with you on social media as well. Please follow me on Twitter or like our page on Facebook.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.