It isn’t enough to have wishes for your belongings after you die. Wishes need to be known.
Arlene was in her early 90s, with multiple medical conditions but a mind that was sharp as a tack. Since she did not have any surviving family members, she relied on her church community, friends and government services for support. She received meals on wheels and personal health care services, which allowed her to continue living in her home.
One friend, a recently retired neighbour named David, visited her every few weeks. He would chat with her for hours. Arlene’s friend Stella was the executor of her will, although David was probably her closest friend. They laughed a lot, shared personal stories and a great love of reading.
During one of David’s last visits she had said to him, “You see that bookcase over there, next to the fireplace? I’m going to leave a note on it to make sure you get that antique bookcase and all my books when I die. I couldn’t think of anybody besides you who would appreciate it and I really want you to have it.”
Arlene died not long after. After the funeral David was asked by another friend of Arlene’s if he ever received the bookcase when the house was cleared out and sold. “No” he said, “Not a word was mentioned about it. In all of the commotion I don’t think anyone saw the sticky note. Or maybe it fell off. I didn’t say anything to Stella because I didn’t want to look like I had ulterior motives for my visits.”
Arlene’s wishes were never honoured, despite everyone’s best intentions, because they weren’t formally made known.
This bookcase isn’t a huge issue. Some people die with unrecorded wishes worth millions. But it’s always sad when wishes go unfilled.
How can I ensure my wishes will be followed after I die?
To avoid conflict and confusion after your death, or to ensure somebody receives something specific, either give it to them while you are alive or have it formally added to your will. Things said privately to one person can result in massive conflict when not formally recorded. We also recommend you make your beneficiaries aware of your wishes. Clear communication is the safest guarantee that your legacy will be honoured.
When should I do it? As soon as I know I am dying?
Don’t put these thoughts off. Nobody knows when they are going to die so it is best to act now. If you wait too long there is also a risk that someone might challenge claim you were not at full capacity when the changes were made. Earlier is the safest bet.
What if my will is already completed?
It is wise to update your will as circumstances change. Adjustments can be made to the will itself or by adding an addendum. The “how” is best discussed with your lawyer.
Co-authored by Mark Silverman, MD, Family Physician and Mike MacConnell, Family & Elder
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
