Depression is a scary word. Not long ago it sounded worse, like a crippling illness that came with a life sentence. For extreme cases that can still be how it is, but thanks to the revolution in mental health known as Positive Psychology, for most of us that time has passed. The fear is unfounded.

When I recognized I was living with depression I was shocked and horrified. I was functioning at home and work, only without vital energy or a glimmer of joy. I imagined recovery would require a regimen of medications along with years of complicated psycho-analysis, uncovering dark, subconscious truths that lay hidden beneath my awareness. Otherwise, there was no hope of recovery. Or so I imagined.

The path back to life was much easier than that. In fact, it was free of charge and relatively quick. With a little coaching, I was able to do it myself, without medication or psychiatry. First, I found hope in a bestseller on Positive Psychology called Feeling Good, in which Dr. David Burns presents the basic insight that, in the vast majority of cases, depression is the result of faulty thinking. Feeling Good link Negative thinking causes negative emotion. If your internal monologue is on a loop repeating “I am unworthy” and “the world is hopeless” then it’s likely you’re depressed.

To resolve depression, just change how you’re thinking. Challenge the toxic thoughts that cause the negative feelings. It isn’t complicated. No need to spend a decade (and a fortune) uncovering unconscious motives or childhood trauma. Instead, pay attention to the thoughts you are thinking, right here, right now. If they are persistently negative then challenge them, put them to the test, look for counter-arguments. “Can I be certain that I’m so unworthy? Is the tale of woe I’m telling myself necessarily true? Are there any counter-examples? Is there evidence that some world problems are getting better?”. Make an active practice of seeking evidence suggesting you and the world ARE worthwhile.

Next, activate yourself physically and socially. Burn’s insistence on overall well-being led me first to relaxation classes and then to a daily practice of yoga. I also began connecting with old friends I had been “too tired” or “too busy” to see. By deliberately moving my thoughts and body in new directions I was able to recover my life. It only took a few months. I haven’t looked back since.

Positive Psychology is interested in practical, common-sense approaches to what makes life most worth living. It’s most well-known application, the one that worked for me, is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT. As my personal story demonstrates, CBT has become popular for one single reason. It works. Research consistently shows that recovery from depression using CBT (especially in combination with mindfulness practice and physical activity) far surpasses earlier, more complex forms of psychotherapy. Positive Psychology link

Most empowering of all: you can do it on your own by moving your body and mind in more positive directions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Stress is a major component of modern life and has escalated dramatically for many people during the isolation of COVID, yet it can be hard to talk about.

Few of us know how to be heard.

Take my client Brendan, for example. He’s a healthy teenager in many ways. Frustrated with COVID restrictions, he wants to do what’s right, to be tolerant and brave without being a pain. As a result, he doesn’t talk about his loneliness, or his sleeplessness over worries about finding a girlfriend or choosing a career.

It’s OK for him not to feel OK. His sadness and worry are healthy emotional responses to adolescence in an uncertain world. But he has never been guided to accept that those emotions are healthy, or been shown how they can be managed. His parents tell him not to worry, that it’ll all be OK. His friends change the topic. News feeds he follows make the world look hopeless and heroes in his favorite shows are the strong, silent type.

Brendan wonders if there is something wrong with him when anxiety takes him into dark places. He feels ashamed and helpless and doesn’t know what to do.

Here are some tips that could help Brendan (and guide you in guiding him):

1. Find someone you trust to talk to. A parent, older sibling, guidance counselor or trusted adult. Set up a time to chat so they don’t feel ambushed. Let them know in advance you want help talking through some difficult feelings. No shame. No apologies. Vulnerability builds courage. This process will be good for you both.

2. Sit calmly to observe and find words for your feelings. Try to avoid explaining or judging them. They do NOT define who you are, but it’s important to acknowledge that they’re a big part of your life today.

3. Examine the positive “unmet need” beneath each negative emotion. For example, underneath Brendan’s loneliness may be the positive need to connect meaningfully with another person. His desire to be a productive person is behind his anxiety about choosing a career. Uncover the positive values that give rise to the negative emotion. Values come first and are permanent, while emotions come and go.

4. Focus on what you want – on the conditions and states of mind that are your goals. Stay rooted in those positive values and needs. Dream big. What is it that matters most? Who and how do you want to be? How do you get to that place? Share your vulnerable truth, with all the courage you can muster, then flip each problem upside down by describing what the solution could look like.

5. Brainstorm practical strategies for moving toward the goal. You haven’t asked for advice up till now, only for an ear. Now you can each throw out ideas. Ignore all the things you can’t do. What resources, what abilities do you have? What windows are open, even a little? How about beginning a fitness regime, downloading a self-scheduling app, setting up Zoom sessions with friends, signing up for an online course. Make a list.

6. Decide on a few practical, initial steps. Act on them. Begin modestly, but begin now.

7. Assess progress slowly, patiently. Change is incremental; it takes time. The intention to consciously change is the beginning of emotional self-management. The painful feelings you once feared and resented can now be seen for what they always were: the calls to make changes and the incentives for growth.

Keep in mind the words of Seneca, the Roman orator, who said, “what matters is not what you bear but how you bear it”.

In the realm of self-esteem and emotional health, how you bear it is ALL that matters.

Essential conversations shift youth into an empowered relationship with their emotional life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR