Emotional Intelligence Saves A Difficult Conversation

Three of us were seated around a table in my office, three hours into difficult divorce negotiations.  The couple had made progress around childcare and custody issues, but tension reached a critical point when the topic shifted to finances.

His opening salvo pulled no punches.  “I understand I’ll need to contribute spousal and child support.  We’ll get down to those numbers later.  But no way am I going to keep paying for all the additional tutoring and special education classes you’ve got the kids enrolled in.  None of it is necessary.”

Her agitation was palpable.  Colour rose to her face and she shifted uncomfortably in her chair.  I raised my hand with the “time out” sign.

She waved me off.  “It’s ok,” she said.  “I’ve been practicing.”  She was referring to a private session she had requested a few days earlier to work on ways to stop losing her temper.  I had explained about "neural hijackings", how the emotional brain gets overloaded by stress and triggers the fight-or-flight response, short-circuiting our capacity for rational thought.  These automatic hijackings are natural but devastating.  There is good news too, since strategies can be learned to enhance E.Q. (emotional intelligence) and prevent this loss of control.

She had rehearsed ways to recognize the anger before it exploded.  We had done some calming breath work, which she promised to practice daily.  I had also role-played being a verbal aggressor so she could practice the calm, inquisitive responses of Active Listening to defuse the cycle of anger. 

I watched, impressed, as she calmed herself with a long, slow breath. 

“What you're saying is new to me,” she spoke in an even tone.  “Please explain your reasoning.  We’ve been supporting these special education classes for over three years.  Why do you think they’re unimportant now?”

I was impressed.  This was textbook Active Listening.  Instead of blowing up and derailing the conversation, she was respectfully inquiring into the other person’s thinking without making any negative comments about his character or accusations about his motives. 

The tone of his reply seemed to be scaled down a notch.  He stated that he thought three years should be enough.  “If the learning disabilities haven’t been corrected in three years then it was a waste of time and money.  Now that we’re supporting two homes we are both less wealthy.  We need to cut costs somewhere and this is a good place to start.”

She replied that she didn’t agree.  But instead of getting frustrated and reverting to attack mode, as she would have done previously, she went straight to Plan B.  “Look,” she said, “We clearly don’t agree on this point.  I suggest we put it aside for now.  Let’s both think about it.  Perhaps later it can be a bargaining chip.  If we still can’t agree, let’s ask for advice fromthe psychologist who did the educational  assessment.  We'll do what she recommends.” 

How could he argue?  They hadn’t reached agreement on the point, but her mindfulness in the moment had prevented an emotional explosion and mapped a way to positively approach the topic in the future.

She reminded me once again that E.Q. really can be learned.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

The Economics of Accountability

My job as a conflict mediator is built on skills I learned as a high school owner and teacher.

A few years ago I had a student and his mother in my office one morning, glaring across at each other.  The school day had not yet begun but they were already hard at it, locked in stubborn conflict. 

Mom: “He doesn’t do a stitch of homework, any more than he helps out around the house.  And that’s zero.   I swear, if it wasn’t to eat and borrow the car he’d probably never come home.”

Son: “Which might make all of us happier.  It’s a madhouse when I am home.  I don’t get any freedom and all you do is nag.”

Mom: “What else can I do?  You’re in this expensive private school so you can get into university.  If it wasn’t for my nagging you’d never get accepted.”

I stepped in, “Let’s look at what you’re both saying.  You’ve described a perfect lose-lose arrangement.   If you are correct, Mrs. Wilson, then even if Evan gets acceptance, the credit will go to your nagging, and he’ll be set up for disaster when nobody is there to nag him.  And Evan, you’re so angry at your mom you’re prepared to sabotage your own success. ”

I continued.  “This is a classic vicious circle.  It can actually get a lot worse, or we can make an agreement right now to spin it the other way, into a positive spiral.”

“Really?” He asked, “What are we talking about?  Brain transplant?”

“More like a behavioural transplant,” I answered.  “But it has to be both of you.”

“I’ll try anything,” the mother said.

“What about you, Evan?  Be honest with me, do you actually want to go to university, or is that your mother’s ambition?  I know you’ve got the brain, but unless you care about being there you’d be happier setting your sights in a less academic direction.”

“Yes.  I do want university.  I’ve wanted to study science since I was a kid.  I always intend to work.  I just go nuts and flip out when she won’t leave me alone.  Then I can’t think or work at all.”

“So the more she nags the less you work, and the less you work the more she nags.  That about it?”

“Pretty much,” he smiled.

“Then let’s turn it around.  It’s time for you to grow up, Evan, and time for you, Mrs. Wilson, to let him.  I want you both to think of being a student like having a job.”

“What do you mean, “like a job”?” he asked.

“I’m talking about getting paid in privileges, one of which is not to be nagged.  Prove to your mom that you CAN do the work on your own, that you’re actually ready to earn the freedom you want.”

“Mrs. Wilson, you need to leave him alone.  Give him one month.  Check in with his teachers for academic updates but don’t pester him.  Pay him with the car and other luxuries only when he’s earned his paycheck by doing his schoolwork and chores.  

Think of this as a contract to adulthood, or as I call it: the economics of accountability.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

7 Steps To Agree Despite Uncertainty

In October 2014, when the CBC fired radio host Jian Ghomeshi for allegations of sexual misconduct, I noticed how quickly and strongly many people reacted to the news.  They were outraged.   “How dare a public corporation invade the private life of an employee.”

(Not So) Blind Justice

Those certainties evaporated shortly after when a number of women came forward and spoke of the violence they experienced at his hands.  Public opinion then swung just as quickly to the opposite certainty: he must be guilty. 

He likely is guilty, given the number of women who have spoken out.  I’m not arguing one side or the other, just observing how quickly people claim certainty. 

You can see similar patterns in other public scandals, such as Mike Duffy and the Canadian Senate seeming to be victims one day, culprits the next.  On a broader historical scale, unfounded certainties have obstructed the search for truth and justice from Galileo and the rise of science to the woman’s movement and civil rights.  As a society, and as individuals, we tend to cling to the comfort of certainty, often without bothering to examine the evidence.

If you reflect you will likely see the same pattern much closer to home.  As a mediator, trained to help people resolve interpersonal disputes, I notice that at some point in most conflicts the path to resolution is blocked by an unfounded certainty.  Consider the last interpersonal conflict you had.  Did the other party have a mistaken belief about your actions, intentions, or motives?  Or did you about theirs?  If the conflict got resolved, it’s likely because someone bothered to clear up enough of the misunderstanding to make room for trust.

I’m referring to honest conflicts, when both sides genuinely believe they are right.  In other words, most disputes.

In those situations, the story you tell yourself to justify your own position is probably fine.  After all, you know your own viewpoint.

Danger lies in the story you tell yourself about the other person’s motives.    You might think you know.  But you really don’t.   Once your interpretation becomes a conviction, you are half way toward demonizing your opponent.

Here are 7 steps to get you past unfounded certainties and help you reach agreement.

1.      Challenge your convictions.  Identify which ones are assumptions, not facts.

2.      Avoid assuming your opponent’s motives are less worthy than yours.  It’s healthier and more honest to adopt a neutral, open stance.

3.      Inquire.  Ask your opponent direct, open-ended questions about his or her actions, feelings, motives, goals.  

4.      Listen without challenging, contradicting or defending yourself.  (You’ll get your turn)

5.      Show them you understand their point of view.  (This doesn’t mean you share it, just that you “get” it)

6.      Express your truth calmly, taking responsibility for your actions without casting blame.

7.      Identify common interests and shared goals.

Now you are both ready to begin brainstorming for solutions based on understanding, not assumptions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Conflict Not Quite Triggered

Conflict Not Quite Triggered

 I was riding my bicycle down Christie Street with the wind at my back, late for work and pushing hard when a woman in a parked car suddenly opened her driver’s door. I swerved, barely missed hitting her, and braked to a stop.  Adrenaline soared.  I was aware of my heart pounding as I turned to unleash a stream of insults.    

 Then I saw myself.  In a flash of insight I was looking down at the furious cyclist confronting the shocked driver.  I knew exactly what would happen.  I would shout – she would get defensive.  I would insult her and she would respond by giving me, this crazy cyclist, the finger.  She would get on with her day feeling that she was the victim.  So I shifted the script.

“I doubt you were intending to harm me,” I said as softly as I could manage.  “You probably just forgot to check your mirror, but that isn’t an innocent error.  If I had been injured he cops would have charged you.  Not checking your mirror is actually a crime.”

“You’re right,” she replied.  “I’m terribly sorry. I’m just glad you aren’t hurt.  I really will be more careful from now on.”

I climbed back on my bike and rode on, still shaken, but feeling resolved.  As a cyclist, I had been in altercations before, but this was the first time I came away with anything approaching a sense of satisfaction.

When you are upset with someone, whether in a brief encounter like this, or even more when a long term relationship goes sour, your mind obsesses with every fault of the other, running a self-justifying story loop that goes around and around in your head.

Even when every crime you recite is true, you only tell yourself half the story. Your side.  A similar loop of half-truths is going around in the other person’s mind.

It’s a great way to prepare for battle.  A terrible way to resolve conflict.

It helps to remind yourself of your goal.  Is revenge your objective?  If so then go ahead, keep demonizing your enemy.  But if you want to end the conflict and move on, try mindfulness.

Let’s be clear about that term.  Mindfulness isn’t an elevated or exotic state.  It’s the simple practice of observing yourself doing whatever you’re doing.  You breathe all the time.  Chances are, however, you weren’t aware of the last breath you took. 

The same is true of the emotions you feel and the stories you rehearse in your head.  They usually happen automatically.  You’re barely aware of the loop.  Mindful awareness simply entails slowing down to observe what you’re thinking and feeling.  Then time seems to expand slightly, permitting a pause between impulse and response.

The next time you’re in conflict it might not erupt.  You may become aware, instead, that the gap is not so great between you and your opponent.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.