“Have you become the person you want to be?” “Not yet”.
“Do you and your partner fully connect?” “Not yet”.
“When will you get your life back from COVID?” “Not yet”.
Do you hear the note of hope in that phrase? “Not Yet” is a world away from “No Way” or “Never”.
As a professional mediator and communication coach, I often hear from potential clients who desperately wish the tension at home or work would end .... yet they have given up on believing that there’s anything they can do. They shrug and say “there’s no point in wtrying. My partner and I will never connect.”
I find the word “never” to be incredibly sad, because respectful conversations CAN and DO improve people’s lives every day. I see it whenever couples, colleagues or family members listen deeply and speak openly with a simple intention to connect. It takes courage; and it’s worth it.
Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, take the attitude: “I’ve got to try something.” Doing nothing guarantees it will get worse. Instead, take a risk and give it a try. Allow yourself to work with a partner, parent or mediator to reach agreement on small desired changes, then slowly shift your behaviours, one step at a time.
The key is to begin in a spirit of curiosity, believing your relationships CAN improve. You won’t be perfect. Not yet. Your relationship won’t be perfect. Not yet. Realism is the recognition that healthy relationships CAN be earned with a bit of luck and a lot of conscious effort.
Don’t buy into the cynical cliche “it is what it is.” That’s just an excuse to do nothing. Those who give up before trying will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not because there was no way but because they didn’t start looking for a way. They arrived too quickly at “never,” when the truth all along was “not yet.”
“Not yet” isn’t easy. Perhaps you long for a world of “already everything”; but without winter the spring wouldn’t be so sweet. It’s best to embrace the struggle to grow.
We may always have to live with “Not Yet”. That’s OK. The effort leaves us a little better off than yesterday, and elevates our heart a world away from “never”.
I invite you to join me in the quest.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
