When mediating a separation or divorce, I frequently encounter clients who express skepticism about the effectiveness of mediation due to concerns about dishonesty by their partner. Commonly, individuals worry that their soon-to-be ex-spouse is prone to deception. While these are legitimate fears, it is crucial to understand that the mediation process is not a courtroom drama centered on past grievances. It doesn’t reward or punish based on past behaviour. Instead, it is a forward-focused endeavor, aiming to construct a roadmap for the future.
Mediation, unlike litigation, is not about seeking evidence to build a case, except around financial disclosures. Separation is officially a No Fault procedure. It avoids the pitfalls of determining who was a better parent, spouse or person. The central document produced during mediation, the Separation Agreement or Memorandum of Understanding, is not a narrative of the past but a blueprint for the future. Family law is designed to ensure that, except in extreme situations, each party has equal entitlement to time with their children and equal access to financial assets, steering clear of the blame game.
Liars often strive to present themselves in the best light, making promises they may not intend to keep. Such false promises can backfire tremendously, since the Separation Agreement is a legally binding document, and any deviation from its terms can lead to severe consequences for the party attempting to deceive. For example, imagine a case when one party claims a desire for shared parenting time to reduce their child support obligation, but they have no intention to follow through. If the honest parent keeps track of the times they were asked to fill in for the other parent and can show they have been parenting for more than 60% of the time, they can report the situation to the Family Responsibility Office (FRO), a government body that has authority to order retroactive child support payments, and even to garnishee the wages of the parent who hasn’t followed through on their obligation.
The emotional toll of such false portrayals during mediation isn’t easy to take. But if you can’t trust the other party you can still trust the process. Let the liar lie, for it is they who box themselves into a corner. The Separation Agreement becomes a powerful tool, holding them accountable for their commitments. For both parties the challenge at hand is remaining emotionally untriggered. The mediator’s job, in part, is to discourage conflict around what may have happened in the marriage. It’s not therapy or a forum for judging who is right or wrong.
It is a pragmatic process aimed at fostering cooperation in reaching mutual agreement. The document your are crafting is a roadmap for the future, describing desired behaviors and commitments going forward. I encourage clients to view the Agreement they are creating as a shield against deceit, offering a path forward based on accountability to a legal contract.
Divorce mediation is a powerful tool for those navigating the challenging terrain of separation. By understanding that the process is not about rehashing or agreeing on the past but charting a course for the future, individuals can confidently engage in mediation, knowing that lies have limited power in the face of a legally binding and forward-looking Separation Agreement.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
