There’s a common saying in conflict resolution that goes, “Focus on the solution, not the problem.” When it comes to personal relationships, the goal – the solution -- is connection. Focusing on that “blue sky” can turn difficult conversations into collaborative exchanges.

When conflict arises, it’s easy to get pulled into the mindset of blaming or “getting even.” It’s an understandable impulse, but it rarely helps us achieve what actually matters.

As a family mediator this comes up often in conversations about separation and divorce, and my job. is to reframe the blame game. The skilful question couples need to be asking is not “whose fault is this?”, rather “how can we raise healthy children from two separate households?

The strategy, in essence, is to reach agreement on the steps you want to take to get where you want to go. In the case of divorce, those steps get recorded as the terms of a legally binding agreement. In most day-to-day situations, the outcome is more likely to be a less formal, oral agreement along the lines of “from now on, when I feel hurt by something I’ve heard, I’m going to inquire first to be clear about what you meant, before I react.” The key is to communicate where we want to go, and reach agreement the positive behaviours we think will get us there,

This approach allows for the possibility of changing old patterns and growing together rather than drifting apart.

So, the next time you’re in a tricky conversation, take a breath and ask yourself: What am I aiming for here? And what can I do now to move in that direction? A focus on the blue sky may just be your best bet on finding an effective way forward.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.