Navigating a separation or divorce can be a daunting journey, particularly when you believe that your spouse exhibits traits of a “sociopathic narcissist.” The idea of engaging in mediation might seem counterintuitive, especially if you worry that your spouse’s personality could undermine the process. There are compelling reasons to embrace mediation despite these concerns, as I have observed many times in my practice.
Clients who display narcissistic or sociopathic traits often perform surprisingly well in my experience, because they are highly motivated by appearances and validation. They may be charming and agreeable, making them more cooperative during our sessions. This desire to look good actually works to your advantage. Narcissists and sociopaths are prone to making grand promises or concessions to appear accommodating. The process effectively checkmates them, since their promises become enforceable once the agreement is signed.
If you are worried that your ex presents with these traits, it’s important to understand that mediation is not about judging the character of either party. Divorce is a no-fault process focused on practical outcomes rather than personal fault. It does not delve into who was right or wrong, nor does it pass judgment on who was a better spouse or parent. Anyone’s effort to “put on the charm” can have no practical benefit since the mediator isn’t making any judgements. Nor do they make decisions, only the clients do. Mediators are trained neutrals who understand that their role is to facilitate balanced conversations that lead to a workable agreement for the future, not to pass judgement on the past. We aren’t diagnosing personal character traits. We won’t even discuss them. That’s for therapy, not for the creation of a binding agreement.
Financial disclosure is a different matter. We can’t measure personality traits, but we can and MUST measure assets so they can be equally divided. You don’t need to trust your ex’s character, but you will need to trust their disclosures. Trust-based disclosures won’t be sufficient when you suspect your partner to be a sociopath or narcissist. You are going to need accurate evidence, calculated by a financial neutral. In such situations I strongly encourage clients to hire a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) to construct an evidence-based profile of who owns what. The specialist determines the objective numbers, lawyers advise on your legal rights, then I step in to help yo decide how to divide it.
As a mediator, my job is to guide clients through a future oriented process focusing on what each party needs moving forward. That includes decisions regarding parenting responsibilities, financial support and division of assets. I’m not there to agree with your assessment or to refute it, rather to guide you in shifting your focus from judgement to solution.
In conclusion, while the prospect of mediation with a spouse who exhibits narcissistic or sociopathic traits may seem intimidating, it’s important to remember that mediation is designed to handle such challenges effectively. My role is to guide you and your ex toward a resolution that prioritizes future arrangements over past conflicts, an outcome you’ve agreed to rather than one imposed on you by a judge.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
