Giving Voice to the Child Empowering Kids During Separation

I understand the whirlwind of emotions people experience while negotiating a separation agreement, especially when it comes to determining the parenting schedule and the time each should have with a child. The fear, the uncertainty, and the conflicting desires can easily lead to a tug of war, leaving both parents exhausted and the child caught in the crossfire.

Family law, in theory, is meant to prioritize the best interests of the child above all else. Yet, in practice, the voices that often dominate the conversation are those of the parents and professionals involved. The child is often relegated to the sidelines, their perspective and emotions unknown and unaddressed.

It’s natural to want to shield children from the turmoil of separation, but in doing so, their voice can be inadvertently silenced. This is where a Voice of Child (VOC) report comes in—a powerful tool that not only helps resolve disputes between adults, but also empowers the child in the process. In high conflict cases, a judge might order a formal VOC Report, but my experience as a child-inclusive mediator applies primarily to lower conflict separations, when well intentioned parents agree to work amicably at reaching the solution that is best for their child(ren).

A VOC process, conducted by a trained professional, such as a child psychologist, social worker or mediator, offers a safe space for the child to express their thoughts, feelings, and preferences regarding the parenting item(s) that may be in dispute. It entails two or more brief interviews with the child or children, and results in an oral or written report that is provided to the parents. It gives the child a voice in decisions that directly impact their life, providing them with a sense of agency and validation amidst the chaos of parental separation.

Given the stress of separation, it’s easy to lose sight of the most important perspective—that of the child. Just imagine their stress and uncertainty. These family changes were not their decision, yet here they are, caught in the middle and feeling powerless. A Voice of Child process not only helps to resolve disputes more effectively but also ensures that children emerge from separation and divorce feeling like a participant whose voice has been valued.

I have undertaken VOC process with children as young as 6 and as old as 17. In every case I have found them willing, even eager to participate, after I reassure them, in an introductory meeting, they are not being asked to choose sides, or to make decisions, just to share their honest thoughts and feelings. It is presented as a way to guide the decisions of their parents.

The process can clear up misunderstandings. With the best of intentions, for example, children may try to reassure parents by telling each one what they want to hear. I just completed a case in which each parent believed the child wanted to live primarily with them. My co-mediator and I met with the 12-year-old on Zoom for less than an hour, on two separate occasions, and came away confident that her actual preference was equal time with mom and dad. To the credit of both parents, they accepted this information and quickly settled the parenting schedule.

The idea of involving a child in such discussions is often unappealing at first, especially when emotions are running high. However, it’s crucial to remember that a VOC process is conducted

with the utmost sensitivity and professionalism, ensuring that the child feels supported and empowered throughout the process. It takes place only if both parents and the child agree to proceed.

There’s no need to worry that a VOC process pressures the child to become the decision-maker. As we say, “the child has a voice but not the choice”. Adults must still decide, and will do so more wisely when guided by a neutral 3rd party. A well-constructed Separation Agreement is designed to evolve as needs and conditions change.

Seeking input from the child(ren) demonstrates commitment to their emotional welfare and fosters a sense of trust and inclusion. This not only lays the foundation for healthier co-parenting dynamics, but also helps children feel more agency as they navigate the challenges of separation.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.